At 40 years old, I found out that I might have been having a neurological condition, though I cannot (yet) afford an official assessment and diagnosis. In the meantime I shall call this condition “AS”. I spent time reading about “AS” and it made me realise that the signs and symptoms were prevalent throughout my life. It is like these writers know exactly how I have been living my life though we have never met before. I start this “Weirdly Wired” series to document about my life experiences with the symptoms which all these while I thought were “normal”.
​

This I have to explain. If you have been following my posts, you would know that I had no idea about having AS. I know that for 40 years of my life, I just cannot fit in. I cannot fit in with people and people just drift away from me. Most of them become evil.

I haven’t been posting because life has been difficult. I spent most of my time either working or sleeping. I have been very tired and I embrace it better now. Especially with the most recent project that has just ended. I spent most of my time alone and just keeping silent. I am not arrogant. I just want to keep my peace and to be able to sleep soundly at night. 

There were some things that annoyed me to the cells but I shall not talk about that. People will not like it. They also cannot take the truth from me. So if you are really interested to know, we can always talk verbally with each other. But then again, I have trust issues with people now, so we’ll see if you’re lucky. But anyway, just forget about it. 

Anyway it is still somewhat linked to today’s post. 


Hypersensitivity. 
​
It is not like super sensitive as you might imagine. Like, hearing a sound and it makes my ears hurt. Or a touch to the skin and it makes me squirm and run or a smell can make me pass out or a taste of some food will make me puke and fall sick. Some things do of course but it does not happen all the time. Like people look at me in disbelief when I say I do not eat seafood and I am not allergic to them. They will say that I am losing the best things in life. I do not see what is the difference with people who adamantly not eat vegetables. It just don’t taste good right? Yes, so seafood sucks to me. They taste like yellow thick mucus and phlegm when you have flu. It makes me gag. Yes that’s how seafood taste to me. Try eating your mucus. The yellow one. 

So what hypersensitivity are we talking about here?

Only recently when I found out about AS do I piece things up to make sense. I did not know how to explain before this. I just know I am different but I always thought that it is normal for everyone. 
Now just a reminder again that the spectrum is not of 2 extremes like a ruler. It is more of a sphere and no two persons with AS are on the same part of the spectrum. It is different with everyone but with some basic similarities.

One symptom is the way our brain works. For me at least. My brain cannot stop working. I mean all of our brains do not stop working until we are dead. But what I mean here is that, my brain is on hyperdrive 24/7. Even when I sleep. What do I mean? You remember the introduction visuals of Marvel movies where there would be flipping comic strips and very fast image changes? Yes. That is the closest I can try to relate to you about how my brain works. It is a constant flipping of pictures I see in my head that will never stop and it is that fast. Very fast. What pictures? It can be anything. Anything at all. Just pictures after pictures flipping. 

Basically, a brain of someone with AS do not filter things that are considered unimportant. It processes everything.Every sound light smell taste touch everything.

There is an itch on your back but you don’t realise it because your brain filters out these unnecessary information. Now that I mention it, you will suddenly realise, yes there is a tiny itch somewhere. But for an AS brain, we do not filter them out.

The sounds of the fan, breeze on the window, the hanger the knocked on the door, someone sniffing their nose downstairs, a lorry that pass by, I hear them all. Oh yes, the constant itch on every inch of the skin.

Sidetrack.

There is a theatre exercise. We used to do it quite often. The facilitator would tell the participants to lie down and relax. Clos your eyes. Leave all worries outside of the door and just relax. Do not think of anything. Do not imagine anything. Just the black screen from the closed eyelid. 

It never worked on me. I do not understand this activity. I close my eyes and I will never see black. I will see colours, those bacteria looking dust on the cornea and pictures and pictures and many many pictures flipping. 


Back to our topic. So what are the pictures?


Senses. Let me give some examples. 

I the train passing by. I have images of the cabin, the colour, the people in it, the lady in black blouse and white skirt, the uncle dozing off, the driver looking out the windscreen, the spilt brown coffee stain on the floor, the mask up advertisements, yes all these images. And while these images are playing in my head, I would have already hearing another set of sounds and felt another set of sensation on my skin from the wind from my fan and the door that just closed. I see images of the fan with collected dust and it has sleepy eyes and a hand that covers its mouth to yawn. Yes my fan becomes a cartoon character. The door was brown, there was a bronze and rusty handle. 

I don’t know if you understand me saying all these. I just want to say them.

Imagine meeting me in person. 

You are looking at me and say a simple, “Hi. How are you?”

A normal person would say, and most probably lie by saying, “I am fine thank you.” because it is socially acceptable. 

My brain would be telling me things to answer like. “I am fine but I didn’t get any fine because I didn’t park my motorbike haphazardly and I parked it at proper place but maybe I accidentally littered a piece of paper somewhere and maybe I’ll get fined for it. But why would I be fine? I am hungry, the weather is hot, I don’t have a proper job, the workplace was toxic, they didnt renew my contract, people are spreading slanders about me. But I am ok because I am still healthy, I haven’t pooped for 3 days but I am still healthy maybe…….” and so forth…. I can just go on. And I have to suppress all these by saying, “I am fine thank you.” 

It is hard work. Really. It is very tiring. 

Here’s the best thing. 

While I am trying to suppress all those thoughts, a bus passed by. I couldn’t see it. I just hear it and I see images of the bus, the driver, the passengers, the white tissue on the floor, the people tapping out, the indian auntie tapping her ez link card, the china lady boarding the bus, it just goes on….

The itch on the back of my shoulder. I cannot reach it as I have my bag strap and why am I itching? Is it the sweat or the strap? Maybe I should change my bag. But it’s just an itch, maybe I should wear singlet inside next time or change my powder and images of all these playing simultaneously with the other things I mentioned above. Oh another itch on my right sole, in between my toes, behind my ears, armpit. Shoudl I scratch? It will look awkward.

And the smell of curry. I cannot see it but I can smell it and it triggers the images of zamzam and the pseudo drive through and their uniform and I prefer zamzam to victory and the pot is so big and the colour is so nice and the smell is so nice and I had venison there before but it tasted like beef so it could just be beef and they lied to us saying it was venison and charging us a different price and ……. it goes on….

You know what. Let’s suppress all these and concentrate and I finally managed to say…..

“Hi. I am ok.”

By the time I said that, I will be tired already. 

These pictures in my head. They can be a curse but also a gift. Basically, the brain do not filter out unnecessary information input. It processes everything. 

You know, I really hope people can understand more about all these AS things. Especially that there are more portrayals of these things in the media. Attorney Woo is quite popular. Do know that it is not the same for everyone but at least be aware that we exist. We do not need your sympathy. We just need you to understand that we are different. I am not looking at you because I am rude or distracted or bored. I am not looking at you because I am trying hard to to filter the information processes in my brain.

Categories : Weirdly Wired

​I covered last week on the objects that make me happy. Today I am going to share on “Special Interests”.
Just like objects, delving in these interests calm me down and make me happy.

I quote this from a website:

“AS” people often have an intense and passionate level of focus on things of interest. Some have suggested that these "fixations" are essentially arbitrary and lacking in any real meaning or context; however, researchers note that special interests typically focus on the mechanical (how things work) as opposed to the psychological (how people work).

It is important to note that the special interests are highly important and meaningful to the “AS” person, similar to an intense hobby.

Sometimes these interests are lifelong; in other cases, one is phased out to make room for another. In pursuit of these interests, “AS” people often manifest extremely sophisticated reasoning, an intense focus, and a remarkably good memory for trivial facts. Hans Asperger called his young patients "little professors" because he thought his patients had as comprehensive and nuanced an understanding of their field of interest as university professors.

“AS” people may have little interest in things outside their special interests. In school, they may be perceived as highly intelligent underachievers, clearly capable of outperforming their peers in their field of interest, yet persistently unmotivated to do regular homework assignments (sometimes even in their areas of interest). Others may be hypermotivated to do excellent work and be considered "overachievers."

“AS” people display remarkable focus and dedication when interacting with their special interests. These traits may lead them to become highly successful in the workforce if they can find a job relating to the field.


So how do they make me happy? How to define happy?

To me, since everything is depressing, being involved in these special interests removes all of them. It removes the anxiety, the depression, the masking, the social awkwardness, the selective mutism, the sensory overloads. 

Talk to me about these and I can talk forever. My eyes lit up. My endorphins running all over. That's how it feels. Even if I do these interests alone, I'll be happy.

So what are these “Special Interests”?


PHASED OUT INTEREST

Singapore football! This one has been phased out but I still store some information in my head. It phased out in 1995 when Singapore exited from the Malaysian league and cup. After 1995, Singapore football has been in decline and to me just pure lame that I have stopped bothering. But before 1995, I know every player, their stats, their height, weight, position, teams, their skills, their jersey numbers. I read every article, watched every game, listened to live broadcasts. But since this interest has been phased out, I cannot remember much. 
​
I love playing football too but I am not physically strong. I don't have friends to play with. And when I do have people around to play together, I don't understand why they play in such inefficient manner.


ONGOING INTEREST

Reading!

I love reading. I read everything non fiction. Don't make me read fiction because the “AS” mind can think of various ways to solve problems, we have enough problems, I don't need to know your problems in a fictitious story. I read non fiction. Everything. Books, newspapers, pamphlets, cards, cardboards, labels, advertisements, signboards, ingredients on packagings, everything... I read every time at any time. Reading also caused my myopia which I developed when I was 7 years old.

Maps!

Maps! I love maps. All kinds of maps. To scale or not to scale. Doesn't matter. I will look and read and stare. I would memorise them and forget them and memorise again and forget them. Some people asked me how I drive without a GPS. I thought that was just being lazy. Before the past decade, no one had a GPS and people have been driving for hundreds of years. There are always ways. To me, I will read the map before I start my journey, memorise the turns and exits and then go on my way. My favourite maps currently are Google Earth and Streetdirectory. I don't use Google Maps. Seriously, you all have to stop your over reliance on Google maps. There is a free streetdirectory app with more accurate and clear details. But of course, I know this too well (and mentioned earlier in this post), no one would listen or believe me.

I wrote this blog entry some time last year. I wasn't sure if I had AS at that time. I just wrote for fun as there was not much work to do at that time.

https://www.anwarhadi.com/blog/hdb-roads

History!

History!! I love history. I love it so much, I didn't take history in schools. I choose to read them on my own. I choose to remember, analyse, map them out all on my own. Simply because history in schools are one sided and there are too many people believing in them and getting graded for them and feel superior after being graded. So no point learning them from schools. No point sharing my readings with anyone. No one bother. No one believe me. I'll just read them.

Photography!

Photography. Actually it is because of my sensory overload. This time, it is from the sense of sight. Everything catches my attention. Therefore there are many things that are beautiful to see and remember. Like cats, butterflies, flowers, sceneries, buildings, etc. So many things. They get packed in my head and I wanted to draw them. But I realise I cannot draw. So I take photos of them instead. When I have photos of them, I can free up the hard disk space in my brain. I know I have these images in my photos so I don't have to remember them in my brain. I can always refer to the pictures later. But I don't do these for notes like how current students do. They take photos of every note so that they don't write them down. To me, that is irresponsible. Writing makes you remember. You go to school to study. It is your responsibility to remember them. But then again.... no one will believe me here either.

Also a blog post. https://www.anwarhadi.com/blog/the-photography-series

I haven't been updating them because the readership is very low, my Photograpy Instagram and Facebook accounts have very low numbers of visitors. So I just take photos and keep them for myself now.

Riding / Driving
​Computer Games

These two are pretty simple. They just put me in my own peaceful world where I don't have to deal with humans. But the past few years, being on the road has been more stressful than before. There are just too many stupid people being released into the “wild”. So I prefer driving and riding at night when there are less people and definitely not hot.

WANING INTEREST

Theatre Arts. Music.

The next two topics used to be my very strong interest but not anymore now. But I still do them because it is my line of work. I find myself lucky being able to have a career in my special interest but I am losing these interests now. Simply because of the people. There are too many toxic people. I just want to be alone and do them in peace. 

Another reason why I am losing interest is because, I don't have formal education in them. But there are many who can afford to be formally educated and then start flexing their knowledge and education. To me it's disgusting and it makes me feel inferior. Arts has always been subjective and a source of expression. So now I just do them quietly. Do my part and go. No more discussions, talks, idea exchanges, sharing, etc.

ONGOING INTERESTS THAT I DON'T PURSUE

​For these. I just read. That's all. Just read. I am not educated in them. I like them. I cannot afford to study them. I cannot see the career prospects of them. I cannot practice them. And if I share my knowledge about them, no one would listen because I am not educated in them and have no academic qualifications to talk about them.

I just read them and love them. But since I don't pursue them, I just read and forget and read again. I make a point to forget the information so that I have the thrill of reading them again.

Geography
Astronomy
Etymology
Anthropology

So yes! These are my interests. I love them.

NEXT WEEK : AWKWARD SOCIALISING

Categories : Weirdly Wired

At 40 years old, I found out that I might have been having a neurological condition, though I cannot (yet) afford an official assessment and diagnosis. In the meantime I shall call this condition “AS”. I spent time reading about “AS” and it made me realise that the signs and symptoms were prevalent throughout my life. It is like these writers know exactly how I have been living my life though we have never met before. I start this “Weirdly Wired” series to document about my life experiences with the symptoms which all these while I thought were “normal”.

I found this online about what people say about obsession that is from our side of the view.

Many “AS” people have intense and highly-focused interests, often from a fairly young age. These can change over time or be lifelong. It can be art, music, gardening, animals, postcodes or numbers. For many younger children it's Thomas the Tank Engine, dinosaurs or particular cartoon characters.  

“AS” people might also become attached to objects (or parts of objects), such as toys, figurines or model cars – or more unusual objects like milk bottle tops, stones or shoes. An interest in collecting is also quite common. 

“Instead of encouraging “AS” people away from their obsessions, recognise them as actual legitimate interests which may be secretly doing them a world of good.”

“Normal people have interests. “AS” people have obsessions.”

​This is going to be an incoherent post. I can see the links between the things I am going to talk about. But I am not sure if anyone can see it too or at least see it in my point of view or the very very least, understand what I am going to talk about.

Basically, today is about connection with specific objects or “obsession” as it is often put as. 

It is easy to say that people are “obsessed” with things when you don’t go through it yourself. You might have an interest yourself that to others can be seen as an obsession.

To me it’s all about making myself happy. What do people do to make themselves happy? Meet friends. Meet family members. Doing things with people. Whatever and whoever kinds of people. Go movies, picnic, karaoke, watch football, online games…. Etc etc…… what is the keyword here? People.

A little back story. 

I used to have a lot of friends. I had friends for every activity. But as I grow older, one by one left. For many and whatever reasons, they all left. Some just disappeared. Some left angrily. Some just ignored and left. 

And because people leave me so easily, I thought that it is normal to leave. And when I do leave certain people, they don’t look for me after that so I guess they are happy that I’m gone. 

Initially, people would call me smart, witty, funny, interesting, etc.

But when they got to know me, most of the time, they called me angry, pessimistic, negative, toxic, weird, crazy.

They do not understand me. I didn’t understand why they couldn’t understand me. 

At least now I know that, before this, I didn’t understand myself too. I didn’t know that I am different. They didn’t know that I am different. It’s just two different people thinking that all man are created equal and then realise that there are differences without knowing that there could be such differences.

I understand now. There were no diagnosis then. No one knew. 

But now I know that I have “AS”. And I found out that people without “AS” are called “Neurotypicals”. 

It is ok. Now we know. At least, now I know. 

So everyone has left. I don’t bother to find anyone because Neurotypicals won’t understand anyway. So I am just doing my own things happily on my own. 

I am in a few new environments now. I don’t feel belong there. As I have never feel belonged anywhere actually. But at least now I have stopped masking and stopped trying to blend in. I just keep quiet and speak whenever I am told. I don’t bother if my talks are incoherent or I don’t make eye contact or I stammer or I blabber. I feel more at ease now. Last week a lady who have stopped talking to me laughed at what I was sharing with people. A lady beside me kept cutting whatever I wanted to say. I used to get annoyed because why wouldn’t you see it from my point of view or at least let me finish what I want to say. But now I don’t care because they are neurotypicals and they are not designed to understand an “AS”. So…. Let it be…. Pergi jahanam.

So what do people with “AS” do?

We have obsessions, that neurotypical call “obsessions”.

I have a number of them. Anyway, they change with times. But some still sticks with me for as long as I can remember and up till today.

Some of them are

Shoes
Bags
Watches
Cameras
Personal computing gadgets such as hp ipad laptop ipods palmtop and computer games.

I have a collection of them and I keep them and I love looking at them and I love getting new ones and I love arranging them and I love making use of them and I love how they look like.

Of course I still have my “Bantal Busuk” (Smelly Pillow) like many others out there. 

And a recent obsession is Jennie. I have photos of her everywhere. I mean Kpop fans do this all the time right? I think they are more obsessed with them than me. Just look at some of their behaviours. Well I don’t like Kpop. I just like Jennie. I don’t even like Blackpink. I just like Jennie.

Someone said, I am obsessed with her.

Now, look at it from my point of view. 

Having people around you who makes you happy once in a while but constantly hurt you.
Having things around you that will never hurt you and constantly make you happy.

Which one would you choose?

Well it’s up to every individual.

I choose the latter. 


NEXT WEEK : OBSESSION / INTEREST ON CERTAIN TOPICS

Categories : Weirdly Wired

At 40 years old, I found out that I might have been having a neurological condition, though I cannot (yet) afford an official assessment and diagnosis. In the meantime I shall call this condition “AS”. I spent time reading about “AS” and it made me realise that the signs and symptoms were prevalent throughout my life. It is like these writers know exactly how I have been living my life though we have never met before. I start this “Weirdly Wired” series to document about my life experiences with the symptoms which all these while I thought were “normal”.

I actually skipped a week from blogging a post in this series. Simply because I don’t know how to say. I know what is in my head but I don’t know how to put them in words. This year I have stopped masking and I feel so much more at ease. Life has been more peaceful. I am still upset by people who create, spread and believe in slanders but I let God handle them because I don’t have the means to settle with them. I have also been talking less. The past weeks I was placed in spots where I have to speak. Speaking without masking, preparing thoughts and scripts are difficult. I know what it is in my head but it is very hard to relay them verbally. So will the contents in this post. I hope it will be easy to understand. 

Today’s topics is about “Routines”.

People with “AS” generally like things to be in specific order, routines and habits. I thought it was just normal. I cannot stand messy people. But I also understand the mess in my head with information overload. And also I cannot articulate them so, let it just be then. 

I also realise, that a logical reason behind these routines and order is because of anxiety when things do not go to plan or when any random thing crops up. Again, I thought I was just being ready and prepared and the obsession to be prepared for anything, but apparently it is more prevalent with people diagnosed with “AS”.

Common signs and symptoms of ASD in adults can include: Reliance on daily routines and difficulty dealing with change.

A Tendency Toward Following an Established Routine

Individuals with "AS" typically prefer structure, and they tend to follow the same routines day in and day out. When schedules are altered or disturbed in any way, it can often lead to much greater discomfort than it would for someone who does not live with "AS". When interacting with adults with "AS", it is important to remember that structure equals comfort for them. Helping them keep their schedules intact will go a long way in earning their trust, as well as being reliable and consistent. 

Adults with "AS" may have a structured sleep/wake routine, household chores, and daily living routine, and a structured routine when out in the community. For example, when driving to run errands, they may only drive on certain roads, go to only specific stores, and once in the store, have a very planned route they take to gather their items. If something was to deter them from doing something as planned, it tends to be difficult, especially for those on the spectrum. 

Being able to successfully deviate from schedules and effectively handle transitions is something that can be improved upon with therapy and practice. Adults with "AS" benefit from visuals, reminders, and backup plans regarding managing daily schedules. 


So in my whole life, I have been having routines without me realising. I do realise I get upset when I cannot plan for anything or I don’t know what I am expecting. I thought it is normal for everyone. I would look at timetables and calendars over and over again just to keep my anxiety low by mentally preparing myself for the activities ahead. Any random happenings, I will get extremely upset. 

Some things like, a cancellation of plans or missing items or malfunctioning item or people not adhering to schedules and timings, etc. I particularly hate the randomness of the army. Seriously I only survived the army because I was living for the “book outs” and finishing the service in one piece. I was always very upset in the army. I have no respect for my higher ranked superiors if they behave with overbearing sense of regimental authority because of their ranks. If I didn’t think of my book outs, I would definitely beat them up. Especially when they keep giving random orders just because it is “the army” and we have to always “expect the unexpected”.

Ok so basically I live by routines. Planned routines. People say, how can I be a routined person if I am a freelancer? 

To be honest, I am very bad with people (Supposedly just like many others with "AS" due to our difference in social thinking and perceptions) and I do not like to take orders. I actually enjoyed working in the library almost 20 years ago. I enjoyed the routine. But I cannot understand the people. I don’t understand why simple things are always made difficult and no one would listen to me. If I am tasked in a place or department where I can work alone and not mix with people, I would have enjoyed myself there and I can do the same thing over and over again forever.

So I became a freelancer. Yes it is not routined like an office job routine, but I make sure that I stick to the same plans, same jobs, same people all the time. I would plan my calendars and stick to it religiously. Any new addition to a filled calendar will be rejected. My calendar is not fluid. You cannot change the appointments and the times allocated for anything in there, and this includes my rest and recreation time.

And also, I am very loyal worker. If I like the place that I am working at, I will stay there and continue working and would not even feel that the years has passed. I will enjoy the routine even though I am a freelancer. I will be there for years. I am only not there now because one company closed down. I was very upset about it and still enjoy the memories of that place. As of other places, I am only not there anymore simply because I cannot work with the people. I love the jobs, I cannot with the people. 

The current place that I am working at is also an enjoyable job. The people have been unpleasant the past 3 years but I have been enduring their shit because I love the job. Once the contract ends, I don’t know if I would stay there, unless something is done about the people there because I can really do this job until I die. It is always the people who is the problem. 

Unfortunately for me, I am not adaptable to changes, so if I do stop working there, I wouldn’t know where and what else to do.

This is  also mentioned in a post I read about “AS”:

A study on services and outcomes in autistic adults showed that 27% of “AS” participants were unemployed. “AS” adults may also have more limited options for support services than “AS” children. In the same study, 25% of “AS” participants reported not getting enough support services.

I think they are having the same problem as me. We cannot live with people. People do not understand us. We cannot adapt to changes. We hate the change in routines. We don’t know what kind of jobs can we do.

With that, it makes sense that my things are always in some order. Some things may look messy to others but I know exactly how I arrange them. I know where they are. I know where to look for them. These things in my drawer, my table, my cupboard, my bags, my shoes, my clothes, etc. 

I get upset when they are moved without me knowing. Especially when my mother “cleans up” my room and rearrange my things. Many times even until today I would feel like screaming and crying when I cannot find my things that were rearranged. I am so determined to get my own house because of this. Even though that thing is nearby, or placed in another drawer or placed at the side of the table or anywhere in my not so big room. I would really really get very upset. It is more upsetting knowing that I have to suppress it and not show any signs of it. So I will just perspire and breathe hard and controlling my breathe and anger while looking for the things. They would still be in my room somewhere but I will still feel very very upset. A few minutes of my time has been wasted searching for these things that I usually know where they are. These few minutes wasted would affect my routine and my timings.


NEXT WEEK : CONNECTION WITH SPECIFIC OBJECTS

Categories : Weirdly Wired 
​

At 40 years old, I found out that I might have been having a neurological condition, though I cannot (yet) afford an official assessment and diagnosis. In the meantime I shall call this condition “AS”. I spent time reading about “AS” and it made me realise that the signs and symptoms were prevalent throughout my life. It is like these writers know exactly how I have been living my life though we have never met before. I start this “Weirdly Wired” series to document about my life experiences with the symptoms which all these while I thought were “normal”.

Finally I'm going to write and post something that is not depressing. Something that can flow like water from a broken tap but yet very tiring to filter and keep them in some coherent order. ​

Today's post is about how my brain goes all over the place whenever I need to talk.

​Here is a video of me answering 2 questions regarding my play early this year. I had to keep my answers within 1 minute. You have no idea how many takes it took me to record that video in 1 minute. I had so much to talk about and I have to trim it down to the most accurate answer. And while I was saying the answers, my brain gets disrupted by possible new answers or information that I think would be worthy to share and I had to consider whether it is worthy and how to say it while exactly at the same time when my mouth is saying the answers that I have already planned to answer.

Oh and also, do notice the wayward eye contact and movements. 

It is said that people with with “AS” have terrible eye contact. This I agree. But I guess, the cause of the lack of eye contact is because our brain is processing information from everywhere. I notice that the people with “AS” who share their youtube videos will also have their eyes darting everywhere and have a lot of cuts in their videos. I'm sure it is because they edit it to make the information shared, coherent.

If you read my previous posts in this series, you would have known by now that my brain processes information from everything I see, hear, smell, taste, imagine and remember. They will all fight for my attention like someone photobombing a photograph. 

Even when I write, I will jot down points first before I write them in some coherent order. If I let my brain run on its own, my posts would be all over the place. Even now, I think all my posts are pretty much in some disorderly fashion and a professional writer would consider my writings as trash.

And this is me writing. Imagine me talking. I have no time to jot the notes down to filter, arrange, process and disseminate them without getting overwhelmed by incoming information.

Thus, I actually dislike live interviews or talkback sessions.

I actually love to talk. I love having conversations. I love sharing my thoughts. I love having someone to talk to. I really do. But I avoid all these because it is very difficult;

trying to not get out of point.
trying not to be incoherent and arrange them so that people can understand.
trying to make sure that they understand.
trying to filter off all other information that are zooming in my head.
trying to make people see from my point of view.

It is hard and sometimes stressful to arrange these thoughts and information while doing it live. I can feel my brow, forehead and eyes cramping, definitely energy sapping

My command of language is actually quite good, but usually at these times, i will blabber and stammer and mumble as my mouth tries to keep up with my brain.

Ok let me try this activity for this post. It is a freestyle writing activity. 

I will choose something random. Set a timer for 2 minute and talk (type) about it until the timer ends. It is important to write whatever that comes to mind during this 1 minute without stopping.

I always do this activity during my play writing classes and the students would be cracking their brains, thinking what to write when in actuality, you don't have to think. Just write whatever that comes to mind. But then again, people are always taught to think before they speak so I guess this activity is unusual for them.

But the point of me sharing this is for you to see how my brain works. I'm not going to hide or edit or filter or whatever. 

1 random object
2 minutes to write anything that comes to mind, without stopping. 

Ok let me set my timer. 

Ok now a random thing on my table.

I choose : Mask (hahhahaha how apt. “AS” and mask.)

Ok 2 minutes start now.

I have blue mask, black mask. Black mask sounds like black mass a johnny depp movie. Black masks are nicer. Cloth masks are ugly. I use to want toys thats called mask in the 80s but they are expensive. I wanted the green bike one called condor. Now i have a green bike because of that toy. It needs to go for servicing. I service the bike at a shop in Woodlands. The guy there is nice but he got a job in another placce already and will be leaving in 2 weeks. My bike is green. Hulk is green. Avengers is no fun already. Whatever is shang chi? I want x men back. But wolverine is dead. Dc movies sucks. I like movies.

Ok so there you go. 2 minutes. Imagine asking me to talk about a mask on my table. Imagine what I would talk about if I do not filter and arrange my thoughts. It will go all over the place. Worse, if I let the other things such as information from sight, smell, hearing, touch and taste get into my brain. The 2 minute typing above was just from my head and not from my 5 senses.

So how?
Cool or not?

NEXT WEEK : ORDER, ROUTINES AND HABITS

Categories : Weirdly Wired

I've been putting this off because I don't know what to write about. I guess it is going to be a short post. 

Today's topic is about “Silent Shutdown”. It is just an opposite of an angry outburst or meltdown and I think almost everyone will experience these in some form of another. I do see people who doesn't seem to be angry. They get upset but don't seem to be angry. Or maybe they get angry when I don't see them or the way they cope with anger is different.

One thing for sure is, I am always angry. I didn't know why I am always angry but now I do. It is the combination of all stress factors such as depression, anxiety, sensory overload, script and character plannings and masking. These are all mentioned in the previous posts but like I said, I thought they are all normal and everyone goes through them somehow or rather.

I have students who say that I am always angry and scary and they don't know what will trip my wire at anytime. I had relationships with people who say the same things too. I thought I was just an angry person. Like The Hulk. 

So when people have meltdowns, they will have an outburst of emotions. There were many times that I got angry and I have my own way of releasing them. 

But what about “Shutdowns”?

What is a shutdown?

Both shutdowns and meltdowns are the response to intense stress. It is the body’s attempt to try and protect itself from situations that have become too overwhelming. Like a computer might shut down if there isn’t enough power, in autistic shutdowns the body tries to prioritise the basic functions and stop all other processes. The ability to process information drastically reduces.

There are other responses like this that everyone experiences. For example, the ‘fight or flight’ response. To explain it in basic terms, the body feels as though there is a threat and prepares to respond in one of these two ways – to face the threat head-on or to flee from it. When a shutdown occurs, the body will freeze instead of adopting a fight or flight response.

Situations that may contribute to a shutdown include:

• High demand situations – whether the demand is emotional, physical or social
• Stress
• Situations that require a lot of thinking
• Lack of sleep
• Sensory overwhelm

There may be one event that triggers a shutdown. On the other hand, things could build up over time, with one event tipping the balance and causing things to become too overwhelming.

​What are the signs of a shutdown?

Everyone’s experience of shutdowns is different. But if someone is having a shutdown you may notice they:

• Become withdrawn
• Make less eye contact or none at all
• Speak less or not at all
• Leave the area or room
• Move to a quiet or dark place, or one that feels safe
• Move away from people
• Have a blank expression
• Appear to be staring into space
• Cover parts of their face or body
• May not be able to move

The person may not be able to communicate in the moment or explain what is happening. They may appear to go through the motions while appearing more detached and withdrawn, or they may withdraw completely.

​What I can share in this post is that I experience this shutdowns mostly with close friends who disappoint me and in my relationships.

I remember I just kept quiet. 

I always thought that I kept quiet because I'm tired. Well actually I am tired, now that I read its descriptions. Other than tired, I feel that I don't know what to say anymore or what to react or what to do. I just feel tired and I cannot say anything. It just feels that whatever I am going to say will be wrong. 

Just that. 

Shutdown. Quiet. Sleep.

Most of the time, people just think that I am irresponsible and don't want to talk it out. At other times, they think I am being selfish for not sharing my thoughts. Another time, they think I'm sulking. I hate it. I hate when they say that I sulk (merajuk). I don't. I just don't know what to say, nothing I say will matter, too many things in my head, instead of a meltdown, instead of going full hulk mode, I just shutdown. 

As I grow older, I keep quiet when I am angry because people won't like me when I am angry. It gets frustrating when people make me angry and when I do show my anger, it will be my fault. It will be me in the wrong. So I avoid people. Or when I'm angry I will keep quiet. And when i suppress these anger, a shutdown will happen. 

Just like I mentioned in previous posts, I avoid people now and one reason is because I know, they don't understand these shutdowns.

NEXT WEEK : INCOHERENT TALKS

Categories : Weirdly Wired

​At 40 years old, I found out that I might have been having a neurological condition, though I cannot (yet) afford an official assessment and diagnosis. In the meantime I shall call this condition “AS”. I spent time reading about “AS” and it made me realise that the signs and symptoms were prevalent throughout my life. It is like these writers know exactly how I have been living my life though we have never met before. I start this “Weirdly Wired” series to document about my life experiences with the symptoms which all these while I thought were “normal”.

​A bit late with this post. Haven't been feeling well the past few days. Since late 2018, I have been falling sick very easily. Really need to be happy again soon. Anyway, thank you if you have been looking forward for new posts in this series.

​

​I found out that one of the symptoms of “AS” is childlike imagination. I don't know how this is defined but maybe I can relate to it somehow. Again, as mentioned in previous posts, I have always thought that many things are normal. Let's see how this one has been prevalent in my life so far.

Maybe for most of my life, I thought that I am immature rather than child-like. I still think that I am immature. There are many things that I find difficult in “adulting”. I see IG posts and stories of how my former students, who are way much younger than me, seem to ease into adulthood easily. Their complicated jobs, their marriage, their parenthood. Whereas for me, I dread going out of the house unless it is a routine. I see humans as evil creatures and are out to make trouble for everyone and I am always ready to jump into a fight.

I also don't understand why many people can get away with many things. I see videos of traffic offences, people fighting and arguing. How can they live like that? I would have burst out in violent rage if I were to be in those situations and I would definitely not be able to get away with that. 

I also don't understand how people can say many things and are deemed acceptable, knowing that if I were to say the exact same things, I would be penalised somehow. 

To me, adulting is too difficult. 

But being a child is easy. Of course, not socially acceptable.

When I was in my 30s, when I had no idea that I have “AS”, I tried so hard to be an adult. I remember clearly that the moment I became “myself” people would tell me to “act my age”. I never understood why I should. I had a lot of relationship problems because I cannot “act my age”. I remember arguing about this. What does acting my age means? How do you define acting your age? What are you suppose to do when you come to a certain age? How do you define age? Do I have to act differently when I am 30 years 2 months old, compared to 30 years 1 month old? Is it defined by years or months or weeks or hours or minute? Why is there no textbooks or guidebooks by age for me to read and know how I am suppose to behave?

I remember I was a very angry person. I hate it that I am always wrong. I hate it that I am always told to act my age. All I wanted was to be happy by playing football and computer games and eat and sleep and run and play in playgrounds or play games. But I am not allowed to because I have to “act my age”. Worse... being a Malay, I am socially expected to be married and have 237 children by the age of 30. 

Anyway, I avoid people for a number of years and still working on it. I am happier without having people around me telling what to do. I can exercise my “child-like imaginations” almost freely.

What is imagination? In a previous post, I mentioned that I have this ability to see vivid images without even trying to imagine them. So I guess, imagination is me consciously activating my brain to see and imagine things. So, combine these 2 things together, my imagination is extremely fast. So fast that I sometimes I cannot catch up with them. So fast that I sometimes cannot believe that I can actually imagine them. 

I give you an example. 

Since I have been avoiding people, I have been making friends with animals such as cats, dogs, lizards, flies, ants, birds, etc. I enjoy talking to them though I know they won't talk back to me. I realise that my conversation with them are very fast and also very child-like.

I also have stuffed toys. Some I don't like. Some I like. I have this favourite set of toys. I call them my “flens”. I enjoy talking to them when I get home. I guess you can say that this behaviour is “child-like”.

​But, combine this behaviour with how fast my brain works, it can be very entertaining and it makes me happy. 

I remember this conversation. Just one of the many I had with my flens. I got home and talked to “Bear”. I said to him (in Malay)

Me: Why are you all not asleep yet?
Bear: Because you're not home yet.
Me: Waah... is it because you want me to sleep together?
Bear: No. Because we need someone to turn the lights off.

I burst out laughing. Really. It was so funny. I didn't expect him to say that. Even though it was all my imagination and me playing, talking to a stuffed toy (a very cute one), all the words were actually me talking... but because it was too fast, I actually didn't even expect “him” to say that. It was so fast that I actually really laughed. And that was just one example. I have countless hours of talking to my “flens” and they come out with funny retorts that really make me laugh and make me happy. 

So is that considered “child-like imagination”? Maybe it also includes the moments when I imagine people I see around me, when I'm travelling or walking, to do funny things. I imagine people tripping on themselves or being chased by dogs or an elephant appears from their car boot and many other things.

Maybe. Just maybe. 

Anyway, since I am avoiding people unless it is about work, it reminds me of something as I type this. 

Without masking, I actually dislike talking about adult things with people. Please do not strike chats with me about adult things. Don't talk to me about the world, the government, the people, the cost of living in Singapore, the price of cars and houses, how arts should be displayed, what kind of theatre performances are good and what are not, etc. I actually get annoyed inside when I know you don't know what you're talking about and you will get annoyed if I correct you and it is extra annoying that I have to hold it in from correcting you. 

Talk to me about chickens wearing army uniforms to attack KFC or dolphins eating stingray at Newton or sliding down rainbows or riding a bus that can fly or accompanying a millipede to buy shoes at Mustafa. Things like that and I can talk to you until the cows come home. 

NEXT WEEK : SILENT SHUTDOWNS

Categories : Weirdly Wired

At 40 years old, I found out that I might have been having a neurological condition, though I cannot (yet) afford an official assessment and diagnosis. In the meantime I shall call this condition “AS”. I spent time reading about “AS” and it made me realise that the signs and symptoms were prevalent throughout my life. It is like these writers know exactly how I have been living my life though we have never met before. I start this “Weirdly Wired” series to document about my life experiences with the symptoms which all these while I thought were “normal”.

​In my whole life, I thought they were “bad habits”. My parents always told me that those are “habits” and they would tell me off. They would tell me to stop. 

I watched a video of a person sharing her experiences with “AS” and she mentioned the same thing. We would then try very hard to stop these “bad habits” but would then move on to another “habit”.

As for me, this is particularly true. Even though I have grown older and manage to suppress them, I still realise the importance of them and do them whenever needed or whenever I am subconscious about it.

​Quoted from a website:

“The word “stimming” refers to self-stimulating behaviors, usually involving repetitive movements or sounds. Everybody stims in some way. It’s not always clear to others.

It’s a coping mechanism that can serve a variety of purposes.
For example, a person with “AS” may be trying to:

• stimulate the senses or decrease sensory overload
• adapt to an unfamiliar environment
• reduce anxiety and calm themselves
• express frustration, especially if they have trouble communicating effectively
• avoid certain activities or expectations”

To me they are soothing. This activity calms me down even though temporarily. The moment I stop stimming, I will start getting anxious and depressed again.

​(Yes I am still nursing a depressive period due to that stupid slander. I have been depressed and anxious and oversleeping for at least 2 months now, on top of the normal depressive trait that I have been having for the past 15 years. I still cannot financially afford to go for “medical treatments”. I am still alive until now so I guess I am good at living with it already. I believe it will go away one day.)

As far as I can remember, I had a lot of so called “bad habits” as I grew up from a boy. Some of the things are mentioned in various websites. It is like these websites know exactly how I have been living. 

Some things that I found on the internet that I have done in my life are:

Biting your fingernails. Drumming your fingers.
I remember being scolded for these. Even when I wasn't tense or anxious, I just did them when I was young and enjoyed them. 

Pulling hair / Twirling your hair around your fingers.
I enjoyed this when I had long hair. 

Cracking your knuckles or other joints.
I've stopped doing this when I realised that my fingers started to become crooked.

Whistling
Was told me that this is a way to call the devil.

Punching or biting.
I wanted to be a boxer or just box some things but I cannot find a safe way to do them. I bite safe things now. Usually my clothes, handkerchiefs and my lips.

Excessive rubbing or scratching at skin / picking at scabs or sores.
I do these till now. My sense of touch is especially sensititive to itch. I can scratch non stop even though there is no feeling of itch. I also enjoy picking scabs. 

Listening to the same song or noise over and over.
People say it is an ear worm. But whenever I feel depressed I would sing. And I would listen to it over and over again. Sometimes for days or even to almost a month.

Blinking repetitively.
This is the most obvious. I didn't realise it until one day when I had a shoot and the director told me to not blink too much. I still do it, but I don't see the point of stopping because it has been ingrained and I don't even realise it. Plus I don't act on screen anymore. 

Rearranging or moving things.
I would just rearrange things the same way again. Like the stuff on my table.

Rocking.
I loved rocking chairs. I used to rock my chair in primary school. Of course got scolded for it.

Walking or pacing on tiptoes.
I stopped when I wanted to be an actor. I still walk on tip toes when I don't realise. 

Staring at moving or rotating objects like a wheel or fan.
Or machines that move repetitively. Like tractors or factory machinery. Was always told off, saying that I “termenung” or “berangan”. But I wasn't. I really enjoy watching them.

Jumping, bouncing, or twirling repetitively.
Not socially acceptable. Seriously, if I am fitter and given the space where it is acceptable, i would. This one is quite easy to suppress as I get older but the urge is still there. The other day during rehearsals, I just rolled around for no reason. Ok, the reason was, I just felt like rolling. Then I realised people might think I was being childish so I just stopped and sat further away.

Currently the most common stimming that I do is just spinning and biting. I bite my shirt, my handkerchiefs and my pillow. I realise I enjoy spinning too. I used to have this spinning toy which I cried for 2 days when my cousin threw it away. I spun my school books in secondary school. I spun my handphones. Now we have a safer thing which is the fidget spinner. I guess I'll just stick to that. 

So yes. Stimming. What I thought and was told as “bad habits”. I still have the urge to do those mentioned above but they would be socially unacceptable. I hope one day in heaven, I can do the things I want without being called crazy. 

NEXT WEEK : Child like imagination

Categories : Weirdly Wired


Anyway, here is a bonus. It is a video of an interview I did. I've stopped masking and just being myself. Even though it was online, I cannot hold eye contact for long, my brain was running everywhere and I couldn't sit still. 

www.facebook.com/107835592603049/videos/170540915181673

​So maybe you have read the previous post about depression, anxiety and catastrophising. No I didn't know before that I was experiencing all those and I think it was all normal. Plus, if I talk to anyone, no one would take it seriously. Yes I have been living with it. It's tiring but I am fine. Like I said, the depression is always very heavy in the morning and whenever I want to go out. The anxiousness on how to go through the day and also that heavy feeling in the chest throat and face always make me feel like I want to go back and sleep the day away.

Anyway life begins at 40 and I am figuring out and charting my life. Knowing about myself might help, as you cannot expect people to know about you. As for me, knowing about all these difficulties which I thought were normal, prepares me better for the future. For a start, I am learning to avoid people and interactions as much as possible. If you think that I have been a burden to your life all these while, do not worry, I won't meet or trouble anyone anymore after this. Let's do each other a favour and let's just stay away.

​
THE BRAIN THAT WON'T REST 

Isn't this normal too? Everyone's brain don't rest until they die. So I never take it seriously. How is this linked to “AS”? I don't know either. But I know it affects me and I have to live with it and make the best out of it. 

Maybe after writing this down, one can understand the constant fatigue especially when you add it up with other signs of “AS” that I have mentioned before that causes fatigue such as Masking and Sensory Overload. 

Or maybe one can understand me whenever you interact with me and notice that I am distracted or smile or laugh randomly or I get confused.

(Digress) Many times, I want to just take the leap and get myself a full time job but I worry that I cannot cope with the fatigue, the overload, the masking, among others. People say, don't be afraid. I am not afraid. I am not afraid of the jobs or the people. I am afraid of myself. With the number of stupid people around, I am afraid that I might flare up or have meltdowns.

As for the brain, I ever told some friends many years ago that, I am sure that my old age ailment will be “nyanyuk”. I don't know if it is dementia or alzheimer's or if there are any other terms. I'm very sure if I were to fall sick during old age, it would be because of “nyanyuk”.


DOES IT EVER TAKE A BREAK?

When I took up theatre works, one of the activities that we did was “relaxation exercise”. Everytime the facilitator would ask us to lie down or sit in a relaxed position, close our eyes and leave the mind “blank”. Do not think of anything, just relax. 

Is that even possible? You mean people can blank out their minds? I once had a colleague who didn't come out on stage when it was her turn, and when I asked her at the back stage, she said, she just “spaced”. Is that even possible?

A few months ago I finally shared this to a friend and I realise what I am experiencing and have been experiencing is not normal and he encouraged me to write about it. 

So to me, having a blank mind is not possible. Even as I close my eyes, I don't see the “black screen”. It has different colours depending on the lighting. And those weird unexplainable green pink blue “electrical patterns” that keeps changing shape and zipping everywhere. It's physically never blank.

As for mentally, I always have pictures and images in front of my eyes even when I close my eyes. It can never be blank. I always see things non stop.


IMAGES

The root word for imagination. The thing is, when you imagine things, you have to tell your brain to imagine things. Something like.... imagine a rainbow.... imagine a chicken wing.... DO NOT IMAGINE A WHITE ELEPHANT but you're imagining it anyway. 

But for my head, these images appear without me telling them. I see images everywhere. I can see things everywhere. Things that are not there yet they are vividly there in my mind. I grew to be able to control them now. I can't control what to appear and what not to appear. I can control them to do what I want. But still sometime random images will appear. At least now I can control them to go away.

When I was a boy, this was particularly distressing. My parents would say that I imagine too much. “Banyak berangan”. I know I wasn't. I avoided watching horror movies as the image will be stuck in my head for very long. Worse, they will manifest as images around me. I can see them sitting on my bed, cupboard, behind the door very very vividly. Sometimes they bring their friends along. Sometimes they mix with other images. It can be a party.

Let me give you an example. 

Let's say I am sitting in a park and looking at a tree. I can try to make myself imagine things. But most of the times, the images appear on their own. Vividly. I can see squirrels on the tree chasing each other, wearing clothes and hats, talking to each other in their own language. I can see a group of people with a 2 man saw coming to saw the tree down. I can see a helicopter getting stuck on the tree. I can see that the tree itself is alive with eyes and mouth. It is quite an imagination right? But remember I said, an imagination is when you imagine about it. But for me, I didn't intend for these images to appear. They just..... appear. 

When I was younger my cousins always called me a coward. I thought I was too. But I didn't know that no one else go through this, where images manifest in front of my eyes.

Sometimes I got confused. A few days later or even years later, I would be like, “I've seen it somewhere” but I don't know if it was my imagination or what I saw was real. 

“Anyway, my friend freaked out when I said I can see his youngest daughter in the car drinking from a water bottle and looking at us when we were both chatting outside his car. His daughter wasn't there of course. It was just another manifested image.”

And sleep. Never ever I got a blank sleep. I always dream of some things. I always look forward to sleep as I would be excited to find out what I will be dreaming about. The dreams will always be vivid. As I grow older, I have mastered the controls of lucid dreaming. I cannot control the dreams that appear but I can control the happenings in the dreams. I will know that I am dreaming and I can do whatever I want. Nowadays if I have nightmares about ghosts, I will just fight them with swords or guns or some cool hand held combat. I would freak out when I was a boy, but now, my dreams are in my own hand. 

The part that I hate would be when I am half asleep. You know when you're half asleep in a bus and you don't want to fall asleep in case you miss your stop. You know that kind of sleep. My eyes would still see the bus' interior while my brain already start dreaming and these images and dreams will fuse with the vision of the bus. I can see images, cartoon characters, people, whoever in the same bus as me. I am laughing as I type this because it is cool and funny at the same time. 

Anyway I can control them now. I cannot control to make them “not appear”. I can control them whenever they appear. I can push them aside, I can change their clothes or make them do funny things. An uncle on a bicycle appears and I know that it is a manifested image, I can make him ride up a tree or put wings on his bike and make him fly away. Those kind of things. 

I still look forward to sleep as these things take a toll on my head plus all the anxiety and depression and masking and sensory overload. But when I sleep I continue seeing images in forms of dreams but now I can control my dreams too. 

The point is, there are images everywhere. Either in my mind, or manifested, or they are just really there and photobombing for attention. 

My brain never rest and I was worried that I would be nyanyuk in the future. 

But I don't care now because I am avoiding people and enjoy seeing these images in front of me.

I realise that the masking helps me with my acting while these images has been the greatest contributor in my directing works.

I think I have covered the major signs and symptoms in my posts. Next week onwards I will share the smaller signs.

NEXT WEEK : Stimming

Categories : Weirdly Wired

​I have to emphasise again that these posts in my “Weirdly Wired” series is not intended to gain sympathy or attracting attention or whatsoever. 

My blog has very low readership therefore there is no point in attempting attention seeking. The people who read these are most probably people who really care to read in the first place and not like people who swipe Instagram stories, so most probably they already know me. Thank you for reading anyway, whoever you are.

If you happen to bump into this and you think this is crap, the internet is filled with crap anyway so what difference does it make? 

For me, I want to document all these before I die and loved ones can use it as a reference tool.

ANXIETY DEPRESSION CATASTROPHISING

I don't know why anxiety and depression are related to “AS”. I have been reading and there are ano clear answers. It says that people with AS are more prone to it and most of them are on children. I think they have forgotten about adults or adults do not matter and we can fend for ourselves. (Yeah right. And then feel guilty after a suicide.) 

As for me, I don't think that I have anxiety or depression. I mean, everyone feels anxious or apprehensive and sad every now and then right? So I read up and see what it means.

Common symptoms of an anxiety attack include:

• feeling faint or dizzy
• shortness of breath
• dry mouth
• sweating
• chills or hot flashes
• apprehension and worry
• restlessness
• distress
• fear
• numbness or tingling

After seeing this, I actually feel most of these all the time for as long as I can remember. So this anxiety is not normal? You mean you don't feel it all the time? You all are the weird ones.

Ok how about depression?

Signs and Symptoms
The following are some of the common symptoms which surface during bouts of depression. A person who experiences five or more of these symptoms for more than two weeks may have a depressive illness:

• Persistent sadness; or feeling down or gloomy
• A loss of interest in activities previously enjoyed
• Weight loss or weight gain; or decrease or increase in appetite
• Difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep; or sleeping excessively
• Feeling agitated or restless
• Feeling tired and lacking the energy
• Feelings of worthlessness or excessive guilt
• Difficulty concentrating or having trouble thinking
• Frequent thoughts of death or suicide

Hahaha. 2 weeks? I've been going through this for like at least 15 years! All of it! You mean it is not normal? You mean it is depression and not just sad? 

For many many years, I have been LIVING LIKE THIS. It is painful but I always thought it is normal. If I give in to it, I am just a softie. I talked about it to people and what did they say? I have no faith in God. I am emotional. I am emo. I am toxic. I am unfit. I am pessimistic. I am bad tempered. I am full of myself. I think too highly of myself. 

NO ONE ever told me that is depression. 

So how does anxiety and depression affects someone with “AS”? 

I guess it is the planning and masking. As mentioned in the previous post. A person with “AS” prepares. Prepare multiples of characters and memorising numerous rehearsed scripts to apply in different situations. 

Anxious on whether one is fully prepared. What if a situation comes and it is under rehearsed or worse, not even planned at all?

Depressed at failed masks and wonder what goes wrong. Why other people can behave a certain way in a particular situation but when I put on a mask to be like that, it doesn't work? It will lead to an accumulation of bad experiences and added on anxiety to make sure it doesn't happen again and if it does, am I prepared or rehearsed for it? 

Catastrophising. When things don't work or if something happens., the brain goes straight to catastrophising. Thinking of the worst case scenario or terrible scenarios that might happen that usually don't happen. I just found out about this too. Catastrophising. To me I was just planning for the worst and terrible scenarios to ensure that I know what to do in case it happens. Some people say it is overthinking so I believe them. I didn't know that it called catastrophising. Yes, all these infinite never ending scenario will fill up my brain which will ultimately lead to meltdown or outburst or simply extreme fatigue. 

I give you an example. A true example. I don't make this up. 

I see a person cross the road. I already have pictures of him slip and fall, twisting his ankle, a cat crossing the road and he got shocked, he got banged by a vehicle, a tree falls on him while crossing, a vehicle across the road and debris from its tyres hits him on the face, an earthquake before he reaches the other side of the road, etc. Yes I think of all these. Unprovoked. They pop in my mind. And I have to make sure that I have everything planned out in case any of these things actually happen.

And this is just someone crossing the road. Remember the last post? Imagine, how many things do I see everytime. Imagine how many things are going through my head every single time. How about the person behind him? The flickering traffic lights? The bus that won't stop for a person hailing and he is chasing for it? A vehicle driver that doesn't check his blindspot? The driver who is using his phone and his phone drops.

I am not even pausing to think about all these. They just flow from my head.

So yes. Anxiety. Depression. Catastrophising. 

They all link to each other. Do include these three thing s with the things from my previous posts. The masking. The sensory overload. 

Avoiding people make me feel better. I even perspire less now. I never thought that perspiring was a sign of anxiety. I thought it was just my metabolism burning and me being dehydrated. Yes they do play a part. I still perspire but slightly less now due to me being able to realise anxiety. 

As for the depression. It is still there. 15 years and counting. It's worse in the morning and when I'm alone. You know that very heavy feeling in your chest and throat and face just before you cry? Yes I've been living with it for the past 15 years. Just that it never burst into a cry. It's just there. Sad, heavy and having to breathe hard everytime when I am not sleeping.

I am still anxious though. Even though I have been avoiding people. 

For example sometime ago. A slander about me happened. Even after I have been avoiding people for a year yet a slander can happen that adds to the depression. Worse, I cannot do anything about it. I don't have the proofs to prove that it is a slander and not a fact. I don't have the finances to engage a lawyer to file a suit. I just could only see it happen. Of course, after that I catastrophise. What will happen to the people around me? What will happen to my loved ones? Will I get removed from my job? Will I ever get a job? How many people were behind this slander? How many people will believe it? If I die, will it be better?

Do not forget the sensory overload and masking fatigue. Add them all up. I just want to sleep and not wake up.

I read articles.

When someone die, only then will people feel shocked or should have looked into one's mental health.

But when the person is alive, no one bothers. Even when one is screaming for help. 

Maybe if I die, people would feel shocked and regret too. But looking at the situation now, I don't think anyone would bother or even realise. Because to them I am toxic, angry, emotional, rude, pessimistic so maybe they'll be happy if I do die. 

So there you go. Anxiety. Depression. Catastrophising. 

Plus the “AS”.

I cannot afford to go for consultation or treatment or assessment. They are expensive. I don't trust polyclinics too. I don't think they will take me seriously. Even past friends say that I am of low faith, emo, pessimistic, bad tempered, attention seeker, toxic, crazy, black, buck teethed, ugly and whatever. So why would a doctor suddenly be so nice to say that I need medical help? They don't know me. Oh...maybe they would say that because they want to get paid? 

Anyway my religion don't allow suicide and I still have hopes of having a better life in the afterlife. 

So I'll just have to live with it.


Categories : Weirdly Wired

NEXT WEEK : The Brain That Won't Rest.