At 40 years old, I found out that I might have been having a neurological condition, though I cannot (yet) afford an official assessment and diagnosis. In the meantime I shall call this condition “AS”. I spent time reading about “AS” and it made me realise that the signs and symptoms were prevalent throughout my life. It is like these writers know exactly how I have been living my life though we have never met before. I start this “Weirdly Wired” series to document about my life experiences with the symptoms which all these while I thought were “normal”.
A bit late with this post. Haven't been feeling well the past few days. Since late 2018, I have been falling sick very easily. Really need to be happy again soon. Anyway, thank you if you have been looking forward for new posts in this series.
CHILD LIKE IMAGINATION
I found out that one of the symptoms of “AS” is childlike imagination. I don't know how this is defined but maybe I can relate to it somehow. Again, as mentioned in previous posts, I have always thought that many things are normal. Let's see how this one has been prevalent in my life so far.
Maybe for most of my life, I thought that I am immature rather than child-like. I still think that I am immature. There are many things that I find difficult in “adulting”. I see IG posts and stories of how my former students, who are way much younger than me, seem to ease into adulthood easily. Their complicated jobs, their marriage, their parenthood. Whereas for me, I dread going out of the house unless it is a routine. I see humans as evil creatures and are out to make trouble for everyone and I am always ready to jump into a fight.
I also don't understand why many people can get away with many things. I see videos of traffic offences, people fighting and arguing. How can they live like that? I would have burst out in violent rage if I were to be in those situations and I would definitely not be able to get away with that.
I also don't understand how people can say many things and are deemed acceptable, knowing that if I were to say the exact same things, I would be penalised somehow.
To me, adulting is too difficult.
But being a child is easy. Of course, not socially acceptable.
When I was in my 30s, when I had no idea that I have “AS”, I tried so hard to be an adult. I remember clearly that the moment I became “myself” people would tell me to “act my age”. I never understood why I should. I had a lot of relationship problems because I cannot “act my age”. I remember arguing about this. What does acting my age means? How do you define acting your age? What are you suppose to do when you come to a certain age? How do you define age? Do I have to act differently when I am 30 years 2 months old, compared to 30 years 1 month old? Is it defined by years or months or weeks or hours or minute? Why is there no textbooks or guidebooks by age for me to read and know how I am suppose to behave?
I remember I was a very angry person. I hate it that I am always wrong. I hate it that I am always told to act my age. All I wanted was to be happy by playing football and computer games and eat and sleep and run and play in playgrounds or play games. But I am not allowed to because I have to “act my age”. Worse... being a Malay, I am socially expected to be married and have 237 children by the age of 30.
Anyway, I avoid people for a number of years and still working on it. I am happier without having people around me telling what to do. I can exercise my “child-like imaginations” almost freely.
What is imagination? In a previous post, I mentioned that I have this ability to see vivid images without even trying to imagine them. So I guess, imagination is me consciously activating my brain to see and imagine things. So, combine these 2 things together, my imagination is extremely fast. So fast that I sometimes I cannot catch up with them. So fast that I sometimes cannot believe that I can actually imagine them.
I give you an example.
Since I have been avoiding people, I have been making friends with animals such as cats, dogs, lizards, flies, ants, birds, etc. I enjoy talking to them though I know they won't talk back to me. I realise that my conversation with them are very fast and also very child-like.
I also have stuffed toys. Some I don't like. Some I like. I have this favourite set of toys. I call them my “flens”. I enjoy talking to them when I get home. I guess you can say that this behaviour is “child-like”.
But, combine this behaviour with how fast my brain works, it can be very entertaining and it makes me happy.
I remember this conversation. Just one of the many I had with my flens. I got home and talked to “Bear”. I said to him (in Malay)
Me: Why are you all not asleep yet?
Bear: Because you're not home yet.
Me: Waah... is it because you want me to sleep together?
Bear: No. Because we need someone to turn the lights off.
I burst out laughing. Really. It was so funny. I didn't expect him to say that. Even though it was all my imagination and me playing, talking to a stuffed toy (a very cute one), all the words were actually me talking... but because it was too fast, I actually didn't even expect “him” to say that. It was so fast that I actually really laughed. And that was just one example. I have countless hours of talking to my “flens” and they come out with funny retorts that really make me laugh and make me happy.
So is that considered “child-like imagination”? Maybe it also includes the moments when I imagine people I see around me, when I'm travelling or walking, to do funny things. I imagine people tripping on themselves or being chased by dogs or an elephant appears from their car boot and many other things.
Maybe. Just maybe.
Anyway, since I am avoiding people unless it is about work, it reminds me of something as I type this.
Without masking, I actually dislike talking about adult things with people. Please do not strike chats with me about adult things. Don't talk to me about the world, the government, the people, the cost of living in Singapore, the price of cars and houses, how arts should be displayed, what kind of theatre performances are good and what are not, etc. I actually get annoyed inside when I know you don't know what you're talking about and you will get annoyed if I correct you and it is extra annoying that I have to hold it in from correcting you.
Talk to me about chickens wearing army uniforms to attack KFC or dolphins eating stingray at Newton or sliding down rainbows or riding a bus that can fly or accompanying a millipede to buy shoes at Mustafa. Things like that and I can talk to you until the cows come home.
NEXT WEEK : SILENT SHUTDOWNS
Categories : Weirdly Wired
Web logs of art activities on a regular basis (hope).