​Hello and welcome back!

As mentioned in the previous post, most of my takeaway from the army is “experience”. Experiences that I can never encounter as a civilian. To be honest, though the experience of going through it was depressing, but the experience of having the chance to do it is memorable and quite fun. Today I am going to share my experiences with the vehicles that I got to ride on while I was in the army.

​FASTCRAFT

Almost every Tekong boy first ride. Being enlisted in the year 2000, I was the lucky first few batches to be able to ride a proper ferry to Pulau Tekong. Just a few years before me, one would have to ride an RPL to travel to Pulau Tekong. You can google, Tekong RPL. Lucky me, the fastcraft is exactly like one you would ride to Batam. It is even managed by the same companies. 

​I still remember that depressing view and feeling on my first ride to Pulau Tekong. When I was in SISPEC, my platoon sergeant told us that we have to leave camp earlier to book out as we had to travel to the ferry terminal. He told us to not be late as he would want to book out also. The ferries depart once every hour, so he said that if we miss it, “1 minute late is 1 hour late.”

THE TRUCKS

Our first truck was a 3 tonner. It somehow can fit 30 soldiers squeezed to the brim. If you get to sit on the seats, it was comfortable enough. Sit on the floor and be ready to have your spine bent from the bumps on the mud tracks. But a soldier can always sleep in it no matter how bumpy the ride is.

The 3 tonner was then phased out to make way for a bigger 5 tonner truck. Lucky 3rd generation army. There's aircon in the driver compartment and there are sponges on the seats together with seatbelts. You can google the images of these trucks. Anyway they are a common sight on our roads.

When I was in Taiwan, I also got the chance to ride a slightly smaller 2.5 tonner.

​HELICOPTERS

I was “lucky” to be posted to a Guards unit. When I got posted there and was briefed about Guads operations, I was told that a Guards unit can be a seaborne unit or a heliborne unit. (The Guards Creed mentions, “Land warriors from air and sea.”) The unit that I was posted to was a heliborne unit. The next batch would be a seaborne unit. I was happy. Personally I would rather be flying than riding boats because I think riding helicopters would be a rarer experience.

​SUPER PUMA

I first rode a super puma in SISPEC. It was just once. When I was in Guards, I rode it numerous times that I cannot remember how many. Though it was fun, it was squeezy. I didn't like the sound of the rotors as they sound mechanical like a “wheeeeeeeee wheeeeeeee” sound. 

The flights in Singapore would at most take 5 minutes per flight. There was once when I was in Australia and we boarded a super puma for a mission, the flight took 1 hour and 10 minutes. We thought it would be about 5 minutes just like in Singapore. Remember it was squeezy. We slept, woke up, slept, woke up and we were still flying. Ok it was fun. It would be more fun if it's in the day and we can see the surroundings but most flights were at night. Anyway, imagine 1 hour 10 minutes on a helicopter. How long would it take to drive back? Yup. We took a tonner back to base and it was a 4 hours journey.

CHINOOK
​
​The chinook was fun. Not squeezy and we faced each other like riding an MRT train. Very noisy though.

​Now this is the helicopter that I have always wanted to ride. I managed to ride it just once in my life. It was for a heli rapelling training. The pilot lifted off and went on a short 5 minutes flight before we rapelled down. 

Why I like this one? It sounds like a helicopter. It has the chopper sound like those you see from vietnam war movies. It is also less bulky so you can feel the thrill of it turning, banking and being blown in the wind. 

I really love riding these helicopters. I really wish I can do it again.

​LAND WARRIORS FROM AIR AND SEA

Though my unit was a heliborne unit, we still got the chance to try an amphibious assault, ie. a seaborne mission. We did this just once but it was really a fun experience.

The whole lot of us boarded this huge navy ship. I cannot remember its name. It is either the RSS Endurance or RSS Endeavour. You can try googling them. We sailed from Changi Naval Base to Pulau Sudong. 

We were in the belly of the ship all the time so we could not see the view outside the ship during the journey. We mostly slept or chatted. The ride took a few hours, I cannot remember exactly. Maybe about 6 hours. 

Inside this ship, there were smaller fast crafts. It was cool. When we were told that the time has come for our assault, we boarded these small fast crafts that were in the ship. The rear part of the bigger ship then opened up and sea water gushes in. It was really really cool. Once the door was fully opened and there was enough seawater to float the fast crafts, the crafts then zoomed out from the rear of the ship bringing us to Pulau Sudong from the middle of the sea. It was very exciting. It was like a “Saving Private Ryan” moment or a D-Day Normandy landing moment.

The fast craft then reach the beaches of Pulau Sudong and the soldiers storm out to charge at the enemy. Super cool...

After the assault, we were supposed to be airlifted out from the island via a helicopter. It was a combined mission with the US Marines and we were supposed to ride a US helicopter. But somehow on that day, the helicopter was grounded when it was my platoon's turn to board it. So we had to board a Super Puma. I cannot remember the model of the US helicopter though. I can only remember that it looks very similar to a Super Puma and was blue in colour.

​LIGHT STRIKE VEHICLE

The LSV is unique to the Guards Unit. Unfortunately it was only used by the Support company. For the infantry like us, we didn't get to ride it.

​BUT, I managed to ride it just once. It was once in Australia when me and some of my mates got lost in the jungle when we were retrieving our field packs after an assault. We couldn't find our way back. The surroundings looked the same. Our compasses spun around and we were stranded for a good 6 hours. A rescue team on LSVs finally found us and brought us back to the rest of the unit. I will share more details of this experience in another post. Hopefully I will remember. 

So yes. Those are the vehicles that I got the chance to ride. There is one more which is a boat. Like a motorboat. I didn't really ride it. Remember my post during GCC? Where we had to do a coastal swim? Yes, in the middle of the Serangoon Harbour, some of my men were struggling to catch up with the rest. It wasn't because they were weak swimmers but the currents were really no joke. The ships kept on passing by us and with every passing, the currents would push us away. So I had to stay with the straddlers and kept pushing them. This was until we were too far behind from the main group that the safety boat had to travel to us. We didn't board the boat. We held on the side of it as the boat zoomed forward and brought us to join the main group. Haha. That was fun too.

​Ok that's it for this post. I sound happier than the previous posts because I really had fond memories riding the helicopters and the fast crafts. 

Do look forward for the next post next week.

NEXT WEEK : EXERCISE SEMANGAT BERSATU

Categories : The Army Series.

At 40 years old, I found out that I might have been having a neurological condition, though I cannot (yet) afford an official assessment and diagnosis. In the meantime I shall call this condition “AS”. I spent time reading about “AS” and it made me realise that the signs and symptoms were prevalent throughout my life. It is like these writers know exactly how I have been living my life though we have never met before. I start this “Weirdly Wired” series to document about my life experiences with the symptoms which all these while I thought were “normal”.

​In my whole life, I thought they were “bad habits”. My parents always told me that those are “habits” and they would tell me off. They would tell me to stop. 

I watched a video of a person sharing her experiences with “AS” and she mentioned the same thing. We would then try very hard to stop these “bad habits” but would then move on to another “habit”.

As for me, this is particularly true. Even though I have grown older and manage to suppress them, I still realise the importance of them and do them whenever needed or whenever I am subconscious about it.

​Quoted from a website:

“The word “stimming” refers to self-stimulating behaviors, usually involving repetitive movements or sounds. Everybody stims in some way. It’s not always clear to others.

It’s a coping mechanism that can serve a variety of purposes.
For example, a person with “AS” may be trying to:

• stimulate the senses or decrease sensory overload
• adapt to an unfamiliar environment
• reduce anxiety and calm themselves
• express frustration, especially if they have trouble communicating effectively
• avoid certain activities or expectations”

To me they are soothing. This activity calms me down even though temporarily. The moment I stop stimming, I will start getting anxious and depressed again.

​(Yes I am still nursing a depressive period due to that stupid slander. I have been depressed and anxious and oversleeping for at least 2 months now, on top of the normal depressive trait that I have been having for the past 15 years. I still cannot financially afford to go for “medical treatments”. I am still alive until now so I guess I am good at living with it already. I believe it will go away one day.)

As far as I can remember, I had a lot of so called “bad habits” as I grew up from a boy. Some of the things are mentioned in various websites. It is like these websites know exactly how I have been living. 

Some things that I found on the internet that I have done in my life are:

Biting your fingernails. Drumming your fingers.
I remember being scolded for these. Even when I wasn't tense or anxious, I just did them when I was young and enjoyed them. 

Pulling hair / Twirling your hair around your fingers.
I enjoyed this when I had long hair. 

Cracking your knuckles or other joints.
I've stopped doing this when I realised that my fingers started to become crooked.

Whistling
Was told me that this is a way to call the devil.

Punching or biting.
I wanted to be a boxer or just box some things but I cannot find a safe way to do them. I bite safe things now. Usually my clothes, handkerchiefs and my lips.

Excessive rubbing or scratching at skin / picking at scabs or sores.
I do these till now. My sense of touch is especially sensititive to itch. I can scratch non stop even though there is no feeling of itch. I also enjoy picking scabs. 

Listening to the same song or noise over and over.
People say it is an ear worm. But whenever I feel depressed I would sing. And I would listen to it over and over again. Sometimes for days or even to almost a month.

Blinking repetitively.
This is the most obvious. I didn't realise it until one day when I had a shoot and the director told me to not blink too much. I still do it, but I don't see the point of stopping because it has been ingrained and I don't even realise it. Plus I don't act on screen anymore. 

Rearranging or moving things.
I would just rearrange things the same way again. Like the stuff on my table.

Rocking.
I loved rocking chairs. I used to rock my chair in primary school. Of course got scolded for it.

Walking or pacing on tiptoes.
I stopped when I wanted to be an actor. I still walk on tip toes when I don't realise. 

Staring at moving or rotating objects like a wheel or fan.
Or machines that move repetitively. Like tractors or factory machinery. Was always told off, saying that I “termenung” or “berangan”. But I wasn't. I really enjoy watching them.

Jumping, bouncing, or twirling repetitively.
Not socially acceptable. Seriously, if I am fitter and given the space where it is acceptable, i would. This one is quite easy to suppress as I get older but the urge is still there. The other day during rehearsals, I just rolled around for no reason. Ok, the reason was, I just felt like rolling. Then I realised people might think I was being childish so I just stopped and sat further away.

Currently the most common stimming that I do is just spinning and biting. I bite my shirt, my handkerchiefs and my pillow. I realise I enjoy spinning too. I used to have this spinning toy which I cried for 2 days when my cousin threw it away. I spun my school books in secondary school. I spun my handphones. Now we have a safer thing which is the fidget spinner. I guess I'll just stick to that. 

So yes. Stimming. What I thought and was told as “bad habits”. I still have the urge to do those mentioned above but they would be socially unacceptable. I hope one day in heaven, I can do the things I want without being called crazy. 

NEXT WEEK : Child like imagination

Categories : Weirdly Wired


Anyway, here is a bonus. It is a video of an interview I did. I've stopped masking and just being myself. Even though it was online, I cannot hold eye contact for long, my brain was running everywhere and I couldn't sit still. 

www.facebook.com/107835592603049/videos/170540915181673

As mentioned in the previous post, the only thing i can takeaway from the army is “experience”. Experiences that I can never get as a civilian. Experiences that are story topics during meet ups with other Singaporeans who served in the army. 

Today I am going to share the experiences I had that I can never have experienced if I wasn't in the army. The experience of being able to step foot on and see the views of locations within Singapore that are not accessible for the general public. The experience of being at the various army training area in Singapore. Not including Pulau Tekong.

Sorry not much photos. They are restricted areas. But, you can always google them.

​THE WESTERN CATCHMENT AREA

When I was in primary school, I enjoyed looking at the old street directory books and was always looking forward to the new edition every year. I still use street directory until today. You can download them on your phone. It is still to me much better than google maps. I don't understand why people rely on google maps to navigate when street directory is so much better.

So because I love reading the maps so much, at that time I memorised all the reservoirs in Singapore. We all know the common reservoirs but there are 4 reservoirs in the Western Catchment Area and they are not accessible to the public. Sarimbun, Murai, Poyan and Tengah. So I kind of wished that I can see them one day. And I did. When I was in the army. 

I felt truly lucky to be there to see the views. The western catchment area is beautiful. So beautiful that it hides the suffering of the soldiers camouflaged between the trees. 

The hills are beautiful. The views from on top of the hills are scenic. The reservoirs look like natural lakes. You would never imagine that such views are found in Singapore. Unfortunately I do not have pictures of them. They are just in my memories. But I think you can google them. Maybe there are some pictures. Actually I tried googling as I typed this. There are not many photos and even if you found them, and you've never been there, you wouldn't know that the pictures are of those places. I guess, the closest you can go is to fly there via Google Earth. Make sure you turn on 3D images. From the southernmost part of Pasir Laba and Raffles Country Club to the north tip of Sarimbun. All I can say, the view is beautiful. But if you ask me to go there again on a mission exercise, heck no. The place is huge. I am not walking there again with my full combat and GPMG load. No. No. But if I have an opportunity to visit the place as a civilian and take pictures, I would gladly go. 

​AMA KENG

The Ama Keng area has a training area that faces the Kranji Reservoir. I remember sitting there in a defence position looking at the Kranji river. Though nice, it was depressing. Seeing how near you are to civilisation but so far away from a book out day. 

There is also an abandoned HDB estate there. Now it is used for urban operations training. It was quite fun playing in real life HDB estate rather than mock up ones. And also playing in a building rather than in the jungle for a change. 

Anyway, recently they've made an urban operational training area just across the main road called the Murai Urban Training Facility. I still prefer the Ama Keng HDB. It was fun choosing the units and rooms to sleep in. You can see this area in the first movie of Ah Boys To Men.

​MARSILING

Finally somewhere nearer to home. Every time we hear that our next mission exercise would be in Marsiling, we would be very happy. Simply because the area is small. It's only about 4 square kilometres. It is has 2 very steep hills. Point 62 and Point 77. From the top of the almost botak Point 62, you can see Woodlands housing estate across the expressway with the skyscrapers of Johor Bahru looming in the background. I remember my PC giving us a pep talk about the importance of our service from on top of Point 62 overlooking the view.

​YISHUN 

We didn't always come here. But when we did, it was always a very short trip. The training area were not big so I guess, there was not much thing we could do. During that time, it was bigger than now though. Some of the areas has already been developed. The area between Yishun Avenue 6 and 8 are now housing blocks. The Yishun Dam area has also been developed for more traffic. 

It was fun to come here. It is even more depressing than what I mentioned at Kranji. Simply because it is so much closer to home. 

Some of the areas that we went to were, Yishun Avenue 6, Yishun Dam, Simpang and Seletar. 

I remember that the forested areas across Yishun Avenue 6 had an illegal prostitution den. When we were there one day, in the day, we walked through the area. Funny dinghy area. It was filled with trash and mosquitoes. There were huts and canvas sheets hung around to form partitions with mattresses in every “room”. It would be funny if we had walked there at night while the den was in service. 

There was also a mission that we did and after capturing the objective, my platoon was tasked to secure the Yishun Dam. Hard for you to imagine now that the dam is full of traffic. But at that time it was deserted but was still an accessible road for the public. I remember we got a scolding for falling asleep while securing a public road. 


PULAU SUDONG

I am now left with other smaller areas as most training was held either in Pulau Tekong or the Western Catchment Area. 

Pulau Sudong was fun. I will explain what we did there in another post. Maybe next week. 

The island is pretty but I guess it looks like another southern island such as St John's or Sisters or Kusu. Still, a civilian will not be able to go there so I was lucky. 

This one you can google how it looks like.


PUNGGOL

Way before Punggol became a housing estate, we were there for reasons I cannot remember. I remember it was still forested. Most probably for mission exercises but I cannot remember why we were there and not in other mentioned areas. 

What I can remember and I can share now is that, we were there for an airlift. I remember sitting beside the river, exactly where the Sumang blocks are now. We sat there from afternoon till evening and I remember seeing the place turned dark while waiting for our helicopter to arrive and brought us somewhere. I cannot remember much. I only remember sitting there and flying off. Obviously it was one of the training exercises where we were zombified.


CENTRAL CATCHMENT AREA

I had only been here twice. Once during active NS and once during reservists. Since it is a public area, we didn't have assault exercises in the area. We only did topography training here. Back then it wasn't as popular as now. Though the trails existed, you don't see the public cycling or walking there. 

I remember bashing through the forest and then suddenly I disappeared. My section mates said I just suddenly disappeared as I was leading them through the navigation exercise. Actually I fell into a hole. It was about 2 metres deep and circular, like a well. Luckily it wasn't a boar trap with spikes or something.

Another cool experience was during reservist. I was attached as an umpire for another unit. They had to walk through the area in the evening. So it was all forest with the BKE on our left. Then their section commander told us that we can have a break under a bridge. More accurately the Gali Batu Flyover. Ok, it was a decent and safe place to take a break especially since it was already night. Funny thing was, below the bridge and behind a pillar, were 2 black trash bags. One was filled with packets of chicken rice and another bag was filled with packed ice and canned drinks. Apparently the section had those delivered at precisely that time as the ice packs were still cold and the food warm. They even ordered a pack of rice and canned drink for me. That was cool.

These images are just in my head now and maybe I will forget them one day. I am a bit disappointed that I don't have photos of these areas and you cannot find much online. But that is understandable. Nevertheless, all I can say is... the views are beautiful.


NEXT WEEK : Our Vehicles

Categories : The Army Series

​So maybe you have read the previous post about depression, anxiety and catastrophising. No I didn't know before that I was experiencing all those and I think it was all normal. Plus, if I talk to anyone, no one would take it seriously. Yes I have been living with it. It's tiring but I am fine. Like I said, the depression is always very heavy in the morning and whenever I want to go out. The anxiousness on how to go through the day and also that heavy feeling in the chest throat and face always make me feel like I want to go back and sleep the day away.

Anyway life begins at 40 and I am figuring out and charting my life. Knowing about myself might help, as you cannot expect people to know about you. As for me, knowing about all these difficulties which I thought were normal, prepares me better for the future. For a start, I am learning to avoid people and interactions as much as possible. If you think that I have been a burden to your life all these while, do not worry, I won't meet or trouble anyone anymore after this. Let's do each other a favour and let's just stay away.

​
THE BRAIN THAT WON'T REST 

Isn't this normal too? Everyone's brain don't rest until they die. So I never take it seriously. How is this linked to “AS”? I don't know either. But I know it affects me and I have to live with it and make the best out of it. 

Maybe after writing this down, one can understand the constant fatigue especially when you add it up with other signs of “AS” that I have mentioned before that causes fatigue such as Masking and Sensory Overload. 

Or maybe one can understand me whenever you interact with me and notice that I am distracted or smile or laugh randomly or I get confused.

(Digress) Many times, I want to just take the leap and get myself a full time job but I worry that I cannot cope with the fatigue, the overload, the masking, among others. People say, don't be afraid. I am not afraid. I am not afraid of the jobs or the people. I am afraid of myself. With the number of stupid people around, I am afraid that I might flare up or have meltdowns.

As for the brain, I ever told some friends many years ago that, I am sure that my old age ailment will be “nyanyuk”. I don't know if it is dementia or alzheimer's or if there are any other terms. I'm very sure if I were to fall sick during old age, it would be because of “nyanyuk”.


DOES IT EVER TAKE A BREAK?

When I took up theatre works, one of the activities that we did was “relaxation exercise”. Everytime the facilitator would ask us to lie down or sit in a relaxed position, close our eyes and leave the mind “blank”. Do not think of anything, just relax. 

Is that even possible? You mean people can blank out their minds? I once had a colleague who didn't come out on stage when it was her turn, and when I asked her at the back stage, she said, she just “spaced”. Is that even possible?

A few months ago I finally shared this to a friend and I realise what I am experiencing and have been experiencing is not normal and he encouraged me to write about it. 

So to me, having a blank mind is not possible. Even as I close my eyes, I don't see the “black screen”. It has different colours depending on the lighting. And those weird unexplainable green pink blue “electrical patterns” that keeps changing shape and zipping everywhere. It's physically never blank.

As for mentally, I always have pictures and images in front of my eyes even when I close my eyes. It can never be blank. I always see things non stop.


IMAGES

The root word for imagination. The thing is, when you imagine things, you have to tell your brain to imagine things. Something like.... imagine a rainbow.... imagine a chicken wing.... DO NOT IMAGINE A WHITE ELEPHANT but you're imagining it anyway. 

But for my head, these images appear without me telling them. I see images everywhere. I can see things everywhere. Things that are not there yet they are vividly there in my mind. I grew to be able to control them now. I can't control what to appear and what not to appear. I can control them to do what I want. But still sometime random images will appear. At least now I can control them to go away.

When I was a boy, this was particularly distressing. My parents would say that I imagine too much. “Banyak berangan”. I know I wasn't. I avoided watching horror movies as the image will be stuck in my head for very long. Worse, they will manifest as images around me. I can see them sitting on my bed, cupboard, behind the door very very vividly. Sometimes they bring their friends along. Sometimes they mix with other images. It can be a party.

Let me give you an example. 

Let's say I am sitting in a park and looking at a tree. I can try to make myself imagine things. But most of the times, the images appear on their own. Vividly. I can see squirrels on the tree chasing each other, wearing clothes and hats, talking to each other in their own language. I can see a group of people with a 2 man saw coming to saw the tree down. I can see a helicopter getting stuck on the tree. I can see that the tree itself is alive with eyes and mouth. It is quite an imagination right? But remember I said, an imagination is when you imagine about it. But for me, I didn't intend for these images to appear. They just..... appear. 

When I was younger my cousins always called me a coward. I thought I was too. But I didn't know that no one else go through this, where images manifest in front of my eyes.

Sometimes I got confused. A few days later or even years later, I would be like, “I've seen it somewhere” but I don't know if it was my imagination or what I saw was real. 

“Anyway, my friend freaked out when I said I can see his youngest daughter in the car drinking from a water bottle and looking at us when we were both chatting outside his car. His daughter wasn't there of course. It was just another manifested image.”

And sleep. Never ever I got a blank sleep. I always dream of some things. I always look forward to sleep as I would be excited to find out what I will be dreaming about. The dreams will always be vivid. As I grow older, I have mastered the controls of lucid dreaming. I cannot control the dreams that appear but I can control the happenings in the dreams. I will know that I am dreaming and I can do whatever I want. Nowadays if I have nightmares about ghosts, I will just fight them with swords or guns or some cool hand held combat. I would freak out when I was a boy, but now, my dreams are in my own hand. 

The part that I hate would be when I am half asleep. You know when you're half asleep in a bus and you don't want to fall asleep in case you miss your stop. You know that kind of sleep. My eyes would still see the bus' interior while my brain already start dreaming and these images and dreams will fuse with the vision of the bus. I can see images, cartoon characters, people, whoever in the same bus as me. I am laughing as I type this because it is cool and funny at the same time. 

Anyway I can control them now. I cannot control to make them “not appear”. I can control them whenever they appear. I can push them aside, I can change their clothes or make them do funny things. An uncle on a bicycle appears and I know that it is a manifested image, I can make him ride up a tree or put wings on his bike and make him fly away. Those kind of things. 

I still look forward to sleep as these things take a toll on my head plus all the anxiety and depression and masking and sensory overload. But when I sleep I continue seeing images in forms of dreams but now I can control my dreams too. 

The point is, there are images everywhere. Either in my mind, or manifested, or they are just really there and photobombing for attention. 

My brain never rest and I was worried that I would be nyanyuk in the future. 

But I don't care now because I am avoiding people and enjoy seeing these images in front of me.

I realise that the masking helps me with my acting while these images has been the greatest contributor in my directing works.

I think I have covered the major signs and symptoms in my posts. Next week onwards I will share the smaller signs.

NEXT WEEK : Stimming

Categories : Weirdly Wired

So we have settled in Bedok Camp 2. A spanking new camp in the year 2001. I may not have much photos of the camp as cameras were not so accessible in those days. But I'll try to remember how life was in my home for 1 and 3/4 years. 

If you have been reading my “Army Series” posts, they were all about being in training schools. After about 10 months, I am out of schools and it was now a steady life of being a full time soldier.

​Life was still 5.5 days week. Even though it was more than a 44 hour work week. We wake up at 530am in the morning and sleep at about 12am every night. The lack of sleep was actually quite frustrating for me but I guess being young at that time, it was manageable. We book out every Saturday noon and back in camp on Sunday evenings, provided we were not assigned to weekend duties.

We had annual leave and off hours that we accumulate. Hearing from other friends undergoing NS, they were able to clear their offs and leave before they ORD. On the day I ORD from NS, I still had at least 10 days of off and 10 days of leave uncleared. I cannot remember the exact numbers but definitely no less than 10 each. I really felt angry at that time (until today actually). We are entitled to those rest days but were never allowed to clear them. I think it is very unfair and it is one of the reasons I hate the army very much.

Everyday it was just training after training. Physical training, military training, proficiency training. We just keep doing them over and over again. The idea was to keep us proficient but we got bored and it just went on to become a monotonous routine. 

So we had (at least for me) to look for things that could make our life there interesting for the rest of our active days in NS. I was still hoping that I could be posted out to a non combat unit though but you would have known by now that it was never achieved until I completely finished my army stint at the age of 37.


NIGHTS OFF


Well sometimes we had nights off. It didn't happen often. Maybe once in 3 weeks or so. Most of the times I went to meet my girlfriend. Most of us had girlfriends then so if you didn't have one, you won't have anyone to meet when you go for night off. 

Since we were on the mainland already, and in Bedok, it was easier to head to some place. Luckily we were not at Lim Chu Kang or Kranji. We could always go to Tampines and Bedok and sometimes head to town. The bus stop was just outside our camp and there were bus services to these places. It was quite convenient. 

Of course our hearts will sink again whenever we came back to camp. But upon alighting from the bus, we would see the Bedok Camp 1 first before walking to our camp behind it. We count ourselves lucky as our camp was a nicer and newer camp. Bedok Camp 1 at that time was an old run down camp and it was occupied by the 3rd SIR if I'm not wrong. In our minds was, ok lah... at least we were not posted there.

​BUNK

As we trudged back to our camps and bunk with very low morale, we had to make it into something that could make us feel better. A number of us picked up smoking. There were also smoking areas on every floor of the building so it wasn't as strict as it is now. Just walk out of the bunk and turn left to the end of the corridor. 

As for our bunks, we personalised it to make it more “welcoming”. We rearranged our beds to make it more interesting such as we had our own space. We even arranged our cupboards to create partitions like as if we had our own areas. We attached curtains to the windows, pasted posters on our cupboards, used our own bedsheet and pillowcases. We also brought our own extra pillows from home. We used our own non army towels and clothes when we're in the bunk. 

An interesting thing about our bunk was, somehow, some day, one of us actually brought a TV in. We were all very happy. The TV was placed at the end of the bunk. Slowly we started attaching a VCD player and a playstation. So we could watch TV, play games and watch movies. At that time there were a lot of pirated CDs so it was fun. A friend brought boxes of Korean drama series VCDs and we would watch it together. We also played the playstation console, mostly FIFA games and I remember there was a time when we watched the 2002 World Cup games in our bunk.

​FOOD

Honestly the cookhouse food in Bedok camp was nice. I was a more picky eater at that time but they were nice. Breakfast was a bit hard to swallow though. Maybe it was just me. I still feel that 530am is too early to eat breakfast. 

I would then eat a bit and then waited a while to maybe about 9am when I would go over to the canteen to get breakfast. Yes we had a canteen even though we have a cookhouse. My usual meals there then were half boiled eggs and toast bread.

There was also a barber too but most of us cut our own hair. The “guards” haircut was a simple crop at the sides and back and very short top so we could do that by getting our own hair clipper. There was also a guy who would offer to cut hair. He would set up a chair at the end of the corridor and some of the guys would ask him to help them cut their hair. 

We also had a “mess” where we could eat western food and chill in an aircon room. There was a TV there, some board games, a fussball table, a billiard table, a pool table and dart boards. We go there once in awhile but since we already had TV in our bunks, we just bought food there and bring them back to our bunks.


RECREATION

Well there were some recreation facilities in the camp but we hardly got the chance to use them. There were basketball courts and street soccer courts. Sometimes we did have time to play but I don't remember that we played that much.

Most of the time we were told to go for runs. Our common running routes were of course along the camp's perimeter. For planned group runs, we ran along the East Coast Park. Out of the camp from the back gate and cross the expressway via an underpass. Since we could not get nights off, sometimes we would say that we want to run outside of camp. We would then run in the evening to Bedok interchange, eat ice kacang at Hollywood and then go back to camp. 


BOOK OUT

And then it is a Saturday again. Book out day again. We would change to our civilian attire, ready for another short weekend. I mentioned in a previous post that we were allowed to book in and out wearing a minimum of polo t shirt, bermudas and sandals. It was a privilege that no other camps in Singapore at that time had. 

So we walked out of the gate heading towards the bus stop. One funny view that I can remember was, the bus stop was just at the doorstep of Bedok Corner food centre. At that time the design was different and you could see the stalls from outside. And on every Saturday, ALL the stalls, be it the drink stalls and all food stalls, would have a young lady working there. I remember this view very clearly. It was obvious that all the stall owners would get their daughters or nieces or whoever to help them out on Saturdays. It was funny. The attraction didn't work for me though because I just wanted to get out of there quickly because before you know it, it would be Sunday again and it was time be back in camp again.

NEXT WEEK : Training Areas

Categories : The Army Series

​I have to emphasise again that these posts in my “Weirdly Wired” series is not intended to gain sympathy or attracting attention or whatsoever. 

My blog has very low readership therefore there is no point in attempting attention seeking. The people who read these are most probably people who really care to read in the first place and not like people who swipe Instagram stories, so most probably they already know me. Thank you for reading anyway, whoever you are.

If you happen to bump into this and you think this is crap, the internet is filled with crap anyway so what difference does it make? 

For me, I want to document all these before I die and loved ones can use it as a reference tool.

ANXIETY DEPRESSION CATASTROPHISING

I don't know why anxiety and depression are related to “AS”. I have been reading and there are ano clear answers. It says that people with AS are more prone to it and most of them are on children. I think they have forgotten about adults or adults do not matter and we can fend for ourselves. (Yeah right. And then feel guilty after a suicide.) 

As for me, I don't think that I have anxiety or depression. I mean, everyone feels anxious or apprehensive and sad every now and then right? So I read up and see what it means.

Common symptoms of an anxiety attack include:

• feeling faint or dizzy
• shortness of breath
• dry mouth
• sweating
• chills or hot flashes
• apprehension and worry
• restlessness
• distress
• fear
• numbness or tingling

After seeing this, I actually feel most of these all the time for as long as I can remember. So this anxiety is not normal? You mean you don't feel it all the time? You all are the weird ones.

Ok how about depression?

Signs and Symptoms
The following are some of the common symptoms which surface during bouts of depression. A person who experiences five or more of these symptoms for more than two weeks may have a depressive illness:

• Persistent sadness; or feeling down or gloomy
• A loss of interest in activities previously enjoyed
• Weight loss or weight gain; or decrease or increase in appetite
• Difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep; or sleeping excessively
• Feeling agitated or restless
• Feeling tired and lacking the energy
• Feelings of worthlessness or excessive guilt
• Difficulty concentrating or having trouble thinking
• Frequent thoughts of death or suicide

Hahaha. 2 weeks? I've been going through this for like at least 15 years! All of it! You mean it is not normal? You mean it is depression and not just sad? 

For many many years, I have been LIVING LIKE THIS. It is painful but I always thought it is normal. If I give in to it, I am just a softie. I talked about it to people and what did they say? I have no faith in God. I am emotional. I am emo. I am toxic. I am unfit. I am pessimistic. I am bad tempered. I am full of myself. I think too highly of myself. 

NO ONE ever told me that is depression. 

So how does anxiety and depression affects someone with “AS”? 

I guess it is the planning and masking. As mentioned in the previous post. A person with “AS” prepares. Prepare multiples of characters and memorising numerous rehearsed scripts to apply in different situations. 

Anxious on whether one is fully prepared. What if a situation comes and it is under rehearsed or worse, not even planned at all?

Depressed at failed masks and wonder what goes wrong. Why other people can behave a certain way in a particular situation but when I put on a mask to be like that, it doesn't work? It will lead to an accumulation of bad experiences and added on anxiety to make sure it doesn't happen again and if it does, am I prepared or rehearsed for it? 

Catastrophising. When things don't work or if something happens., the brain goes straight to catastrophising. Thinking of the worst case scenario or terrible scenarios that might happen that usually don't happen. I just found out about this too. Catastrophising. To me I was just planning for the worst and terrible scenarios to ensure that I know what to do in case it happens. Some people say it is overthinking so I believe them. I didn't know that it called catastrophising. Yes, all these infinite never ending scenario will fill up my brain which will ultimately lead to meltdown or outburst or simply extreme fatigue. 

I give you an example. A true example. I don't make this up. 

I see a person cross the road. I already have pictures of him slip and fall, twisting his ankle, a cat crossing the road and he got shocked, he got banged by a vehicle, a tree falls on him while crossing, a vehicle across the road and debris from its tyres hits him on the face, an earthquake before he reaches the other side of the road, etc. Yes I think of all these. Unprovoked. They pop in my mind. And I have to make sure that I have everything planned out in case any of these things actually happen.

And this is just someone crossing the road. Remember the last post? Imagine, how many things do I see everytime. Imagine how many things are going through my head every single time. How about the person behind him? The flickering traffic lights? The bus that won't stop for a person hailing and he is chasing for it? A vehicle driver that doesn't check his blindspot? The driver who is using his phone and his phone drops.

I am not even pausing to think about all these. They just flow from my head.

So yes. Anxiety. Depression. Catastrophising. 

They all link to each other. Do include these three thing s with the things from my previous posts. The masking. The sensory overload. 

Avoiding people make me feel better. I even perspire less now. I never thought that perspiring was a sign of anxiety. I thought it was just my metabolism burning and me being dehydrated. Yes they do play a part. I still perspire but slightly less now due to me being able to realise anxiety. 

As for the depression. It is still there. 15 years and counting. It's worse in the morning and when I'm alone. You know that very heavy feeling in your chest and throat and face just before you cry? Yes I've been living with it for the past 15 years. Just that it never burst into a cry. It's just there. Sad, heavy and having to breathe hard everytime when I am not sleeping.

I am still anxious though. Even though I have been avoiding people. 

For example sometime ago. A slander about me happened. Even after I have been avoiding people for a year yet a slander can happen that adds to the depression. Worse, I cannot do anything about it. I don't have the proofs to prove that it is a slander and not a fact. I don't have the finances to engage a lawyer to file a suit. I just could only see it happen. Of course, after that I catastrophise. What will happen to the people around me? What will happen to my loved ones? Will I get removed from my job? Will I ever get a job? How many people were behind this slander? How many people will believe it? If I die, will it be better?

Do not forget the sensory overload and masking fatigue. Add them all up. I just want to sleep and not wake up.

I read articles.

When someone die, only then will people feel shocked or should have looked into one's mental health.

But when the person is alive, no one bothers. Even when one is screaming for help. 

Maybe if I die, people would feel shocked and regret too. But looking at the situation now, I don't think anyone would bother or even realise. Because to them I am toxic, angry, emotional, rude, pessimistic so maybe they'll be happy if I do die. 

So there you go. Anxiety. Depression. Catastrophising. 

Plus the “AS”.

I cannot afford to go for consultation or treatment or assessment. They are expensive. I don't trust polyclinics too. I don't think they will take me seriously. Even past friends say that I am of low faith, emo, pessimistic, bad tempered, attention seeker, toxic, crazy, black, buck teethed, ugly and whatever. So why would a doctor suddenly be so nice to say that I need medical help? They don't know me. Oh...maybe they would say that because they want to get paid? 

Anyway my religion don't allow suicide and I still have hopes of having a better life in the afterlife. 

So I'll just have to live with it.


Categories : Weirdly Wired

NEXT WEEK : The Brain That Won't Rest.

One of my many gripes of being posted to an army unit is that, on a superficial level, the knowledge gained there are not applicable to civilian life, as compared to be posted into a police or a civil defence unit. I tried asking to be posted to a driver unit and a medical unit so that I could gain some knowledge that I can use once I am out of NS but of course they were rejected. I don't want to talk about discipline and regimentation of the army and how it helps us in our civilian life. That is very generic as NS discipline is learnt in other units and vocations too. Heck! I hear that they have cleaners in camp now and the NSFs don't have to do area cleaning and clean toilets anymore.They have no idea how many times we had to book out later then planned just because there were dusts at the corner of a window frame or a polishing brush bristle at the corridor.

Well I guess, the only main takeaway I have from the army is just.... experience.

​So today I am going to share my experiences with things that I cannot get anywhere in my civilian life. “Call of Duty” is not counted. Our cool weapons. 

I am not going to share information about the weapons as you can always google them. I am going to share with you experiences that I had with them. 

​
​Our first wife. Being the last batch of the 2nd generation army, I still managed to get to use the M16 rifle. I still think that it is beautiful. I still prefer it to the SAR21 even though the SAR is a much better weapon. Why? Because army is wayang. And the M16 looks good to be in a wayang. It gave me the war feels. I felt like I was in some Hollywood war movie in Vietnam. The SAR21 has the modern feels. It made me feel like I am in a video game. So M16 is the weapon of choice for me. Especially when you get to hold it and ride a helicopter.

Another important reason. You can fix a bayonet in front of the M16. A brutal war feel. Ask all 2nd generation soldiers, what does a bayonet remind you of? We would say, “bayonet fighting”. Could have been super fun but with the use of SAR21 now, those training has become obsolete.

​I am going to share an experience that will make you all jealous. 

Since I am the last few batches of the 2nd generation army, there was a time of transition to 3rd generation. Some time during my NS days at Bedok Camp, we were told that we will transition from M16 to SAR21. So we said goodbye to our used and reused and I don't know how many batch has used, our M16 weapon. For your info, we were all officially assigned to our weapons, so that particular rifle was ours for months. 

One day, we were told to collect our SAR21. So in batches, we went to the collection point. We all had a new rifle each. It was given in an unopened box, sealed, and had our names on it. Imagine going to the collection point and they gave you a bow with your name on it like a parcel. We went back to our company line and opened it like a new toy. It was really new. It was a very cool experience. At that time we didn't have online shopping so these kind of unboxing things were special. Imagine a new SAR21 delivered especially for you. How cool is that.

​A mini machine gun. Cool right? Yes it looks cool. It's specifications sounds cool too. But when you use it to fire blank rounds, it becomes a sniper rifle. 1 cock 1 shot. When you hear someone shouting “IA!” (Immediate Action) during a firefight, it is most definitely the SAW gunner.

​Attached below the barrel of an M16 or a SAR21, this thing is powerful. On paper. It can propel a grenade to an intended target. How powerful is that. But since we are all training to be soldiers, we hardly got to use it. I think in my whole army life, I only experienced an M203 live firing twice. So the soldier who was assigned to be an M203 gunner only had the experience of firing it twice while the rest of his army life, he had to carry that extra weight in his hands. Those things get heavier the further we walk. Sometimes we are told to simulate the use of an M203 during our mission exercises. But most times, they are not feasible because we would be walking in thick forests. The “simulated grenades” would not have enough foliage clearance to propel anyway.
​

Unlike the SAW, this one works. It is a fun weapon. On paper. In real life, it is a trouble. This gun needs a 3 men team to operate. Well actually, the idea of a 3 men team is fun. 1 commander, 1 assistant to carry the rounds and 1 gunner to carry the gun. Sounds good, if you're an infantry unit. There are other items that are associated with the team. For an infantry unit, these items would be placed in a “combat train”, a truck that will rendezvous with you upon reaching your objective. But for a Guards unit that is inserted behind enemy lines, we had to carry the items ourselves. So what are the items? 

Extra box of rounds. Spare barrel. Cleaning kit. Camouflage net. Tripod with Anti Aircraft attachment. Night vision binoculars with spare batteries. Normal binoculars. 

It was terrible I tell you. The tripod is a nightmare. I have permanent back damage because of this load and still experience pains till today.

​For most guns, we use the 5.56mm ball. For the GPMG we use the 7.62mm. There are the live rounds and also the blank rounds for training. For night shoots, we would also use a “Tracer” round. 1 tracer after every 4 normal rounds. We all really enjoyed looking at tracers leaving red trails during these night live range. You can google to see how these tracer rounds look like when they are fired. 

And how can we forget the “Universal Rounds”. Magic bullets that can kill any enemy. All you had to do was shout “Bang! Bang!” as you charged towards your enemies.

​We had the Armbrust Light Anti Tank (LAW) weapon. But again, just like the M203, I think we only fired it twice. Quite fun because when we watch movies, these “bazookas” pack explosions when fired. But these LAW weapons are recoilless. There was no explosion when fired too. Only a cool air splitting sound... like “shiiiuuuuuuuu.....”. The explosion only happens when then round hits the target.

Pretty much similar for the heavier 84mm Recoilless Rifle. Urrghh... these things are heavier. I cannot complain when I was assigned to be in a GPMG team because it was still luckier than being assigned to an 84mm team.

​These are my personal favourites. Pen flare, rocket flare and trip flare. The closest I could get to fireworks. 

There was once when we had rocket flare training, one guy had a faulty flare. Instead of firing forward, it got stuck a while and exploded backwards. Luckily it was just a flare so we just had to put the fire out.

One interesting experience I had with a trip flare was in Thailand. So I set up a trip flare around or platoon defence area. The point of a trip flare is, when the enemy accidentally step on a cable, the flare will burst and burn for 40 seconds for us to see and locate the enemy. Of course these things are for enemies that try to creep to our area at night. 

But it was in the day and suddenly the flare tripped and exploded. At that time I was just assigned to platoon 9 from platoon 8. It was my first overseas mission with them. One of the funny thing for platoon 9 is that there is this guy named “Foo”. Every time something goes wrong, the other guys will say, “Must be Foo!” even on times that he wasn't involved. So it was a joke and it was rather funny. I never saw anything wrong that he did. But on that day (yes in the day) when the trip flared, the guys around me immediately shouted “Must be Foo!”. And you would have guessed it by now, he meekly appeared from behind the bushes and said, “sorry sorry.....” It was really him! I still remember that moment and how I laughed so hard seeing this “Must be Foo!” thing actually happened.
​

Just like the LAW and M203. We only got to experience these explosive devices maybe twice or thrice in our life. The rest of the time, we had to carry the dummies of these things. Nevertheless those few moments of using the real thing were pretty fun.

​When we didn't have enough stocks for dummy grenades, we were told to create a few for ourselves. And also so that it won't be expensive for us to replace them if we lose them. So we filled empty yakult bottles with sand and taped them up using blue gaffer tapes.

Of course who can forget our roots. The traditional parang and cangkul. We had to bring them everywhere we go. To clear vegetation and to dig the ground. These things were never sharp when you need them. I think they are cursed to never be sharp. They work though but somehow, always not how we would want them to be. 

Just sharing, there was once during an mission exercise in Marsiling, I led my platoon at night. There were vegetation in front of me and I wanted to clear it with my hands and then suddenly there was a loud snap. I thought the plants snapped my fingers. It hurt for a while but I continued walking. Then I felt my rifle being wet sticky. I asked my platoon commander to help me shine a small torch to check. My rifle barrel and my hand was soaked in blood. We washed off the blood and the middle finger in my left hand was split clean missing the bone. So I was sent to stitch it up. I still believe it was a parang that snapped because it was a clean split. But who did it, I don't know and I don't want to know. 

So that's it. I don't know how they can be applied in civilian life. Maybe you can ask me for advice on what weapon to choose for your Call of Duty games. Now only if I can get paid for that.

Categories : The Army Series

​Hello. Late to post this but it is important and I put a lot of thoughts in it hoping not to forget anything. It is important because this is one of the most (unknowingly) significant thing in my life.

I am always tired.
People say I look tired
I can sleep more than 12 hours a day and still be tired.
I may wake up after a 12 hours sleep and yet people say i look tired.

I thought I was unfit or lazy. But when I was fresh, people still say I look tired. Maybe the face and the eyes has gone weary over the years.

​I always thought that it was called “adapting to situations”. Like how parents tell you to behave properly in various situations. And in more serious occasions you have to conform to the decorum. It is something that everyone has to do. Like when, “Being in Rome, do as the Romans do.” or “Di mana bumi dipijak, di situ langit dijunjung”.

I have also attended many courses where I was taught and trained to act in different situations. You know those confidence speech courses, frontline staff courses, grooming and gentlemen courses, table manners courses, speaking, behaving, etc. There were many others who attended the courses so I thought that it is normal to “behave properly”.

Even though I felt extremely uncomfortable at times.

I thought i was just shy or an introvert or an ambivert or just lazy.

Those who know me well enough would know that I cannot make phone calls. I have to force myself to make phone calls. Given a choice, I would never answer a phone call. I would never call the food delivery hotline to order food many years back. Thank god for food ordering applications.

I cannot order food at counter. Fast food counter or hawker centre or restaurants. Someone else would order for me. For the longest time in my life when I started becoming independent, it was always the same meal every time I eat out. Chicken rice and coke. Nasi padang was always appetising but I don't know how to order them. Yong tau foo is a nightmare. Now we have self ordering kiosks at the fast food outlets. It is god's gift from heaven. Finally I can drink soft drinks for breakfast and not getting stuck with coffee or tea.

Being in front of the counter is already terrible, imagine being behind one. I hated it. I hated answering queries from people. I hated not being to answer them and had to trouble my colleagues who would later chided me and say something like, “so simple also cannot answer.” I hated the stammering and mumbling as I try to answer while forming sentences that keep getting distracted and jumbled with other information in my head.
​

​It basically means, applying a character. Act out a character to hide the real you. To suppress discomfort and awkwardness. Or simply to prevent yourself from behaving inappropriately. Even in simple situations like having a smoke break. 

So in my 40 years of life, I developed a repertoire of characters and scripts for various situations. These scripts and characters are extremely well rehearsed in my head and I am always ready to use them once the situation happens. 

Currently it has been a long time since i met people that i didn't plan much scripts for certain situations. There was once a foodpanda deliveryman sent food to me after I gave specific instructions to pass the food directly to me and not to be hung at the door. I didn't expect him to ask me “why?” and I didn't prepare a script to answer that. My quick reaction was to answer “if you hang it at the door, people along this corridor will take it.” Yup. That is how someone with “AS” will answer in a conversation and it will be socially incorrect but that was really the first thing in my mind. Even though no one in the corridor would take it. I just said it because my head was imagining a ghetto neighbourhood corridor at that time. In some way, I ended up lying and I hated it and it lingers in my head till today even though this happened many weeks ago.

I guess a proper script to the food deliveryman would be, “So that I am sure that you didn't send the food to the wrong place and the food wont drop when I turn the door handle to open the door.” But I couldn't think of a socially correct answer on the spot. 

I have to create these scripts and characters to not just survive and be socially not awkward but also because people make fun of me when I answer things truthfully. One example would be about the MRT track in 1988 which I mentioned in a previous post.

A recent example is during a rehearsal early this year. A co-actor asked me if I was trained in Silat. I answered yes. But I wasn't trained in competitive fighting. I was trained in Silat for stage performance. It was a truthful answer. 

There was this lady in the room. Obviously she heard my answer though I didn't know that she did because she was sitting some distance away. Some moment later I heard her saying to a friend while sniggering about my answer. Something like, “People asked him if he is Silat trained, and he answered that he is only trained in silat for performance.” I have no idea why she was sniggering. I don't know if she was mocking me, or my answer was funny or what. This was a good 8 months ago and it is still bothering my mind. So I have to always curate my answers so that I will not be bothered for years or decades to come. I am 41 this year and I can feel that my brain is filled with all these “unnecessary” information and wonder from all the past years.
​

​The lady reminds me of another situation. Sidetracking a bit to how people with “AS” prefer a rigid set of routine. 

During the rehearsals at that time, a co actor shared with us some silat movement routine. I analysed and took note of her every step. And because I took note of it, I realise that she changes it every now and then. Maybe some of them are general steps with minor changes but I got annoyed with the changes. One time she was facing this way, the other time when she did the same step again, she was facing another way. I got annoyed because the same lady just now was laughing at me. I was very sure I didn't do anything wrong. The first few times, the co actor was facing, say northwards. I followed and faced north too. Gradually she changed to north east while I maintained north. How would I know that she would change directions at any random moment right? It may seem very very insignificant but these small changes in directions will accumulate to a very obvious difference. 

So the first few times we did the routine, she ended up facing south. Those small changes accumulated, she ended up facing north west which was almost north. And she ended up saying that we will end where we started which is north. But initially she ended south. So when I followed her original routine, I end up facing south which means the opposite of where she is facing. I was very annoyed how no one realise that she has changed directions every time she showed us the routine. Maybe because it was very small. But like I said, accumulatively it would be obvious. So I ended up being the “wrong” person and being the one doing things “wrong” and facing the “wrong” direction. And yes, the lady mentioned just now, she continued laughing at me.

This has happened many times along the course of my life. I particularly hate dancing. Not only can I not coordinate my hands and legs (also mentioned in a previous post), but the choreographers somehow never realise that they keep changing their initial movements for us to follow. They somehow do not realise. Worse thing is, many others who were practicing do not realise as well. Maybe they do but they keep it to themselves because whenever I mention these to others, most of the time they will just say, “Ikut aje....” (Just follow...)
​

​​When i was younger, after national service and facing the world, i picked up human behaviours to blend in, without realising that I was masking. 

There were things that I realised which were uncomfortable or wrong or weird but at that time I thought I was adapting and behaving properly according to situations. 

This also included trying to be part of social circles. Times that I have to like what they like, or behave how they behave or eat what they eat or say how they say. I didn't like some things but I adapted to the way the world works. If you don't behave a certain way or dislike certain things or just simply put, different, they won't acknowledge you to be part of the circle. I had to play catch up to different people just so I am part of the circle. I wasn't trying to be in their good books or sucking up to them. I just thought that is how the world works and I have to behave properly like how you are in Rome.

I remember clearly, I hated the movie “Watchmen” but everyone in the circle loved it. They chided me because I didn't like it. And then they all hated “Merong Mahawangsa” but I loved it and got chided too. It was really very tiring.

As years go by, I realise, people like me when they just met me. Once they got to know me, they start to hate me or avoid me. I slowly realise I wanted to be my own self and stop masking though I still didn't know that I was masking. I thought I was being a hypocrite by behaving differently with different people. Once I became my ownself or accidentally dropped my mask due to fatigue or unplanned scenarios, people started disliking or avoiding me.

This includes circles, friends and relationships. I really felt like a hypocrite but I don't know what is going on. Why can't I suddenly say I dislike “Watchmen”? or I liked “Merong Mahawangsa?” 

As for relationships, I got comfortable and trusting that I drop my masks. I am not a serial killer or kidnapper or some criminal. But without the mask, they can see my “socially inappropriate” responses. I trusted them so much that I don't have to hide my anxiety and depression and sensory overload and meltdowns. But to them, they just think that I am crazy. That I am always angry and stuff. I have to say again, I didn't know that I was masking. This also means, I didn't know that I was dropping my masks to people I trust. 

I think these people just think that I am crazy or a hypocrite or finally showing my “true colours”.
​

​​Because I took it up naturally, I guess it helped me with my acting. Again I have to say, this is without me realising that I am masking. 

An actor found out that he has “AS” at the age of 77. He has won numerous acting awards and known to be able to memorise long lines word for word. I only found out that he could memorise many lines while I was typing this post when I got distracted and googled about him. 

I told you before, this “AS” makes sense in my life as I realise now that I could always memorise quite easily if I want to. Isn't that what actors are suppose to do? I understand that some may have difficulty memorising but I get very annoyed when actors choose adlibing because they cannot memorise. I always that it's not that they cannot but because they are lazy to do so. 2 years ago I did a stageplay with a musician friend who has worked with me for many years and he still asked, “what computer chip did I install in my brain?”

I also enjoyed mimicking. When I just started acting and had many friends, they enjoyed seeing me do impersonations. I enjoyed doing them too. With years of being an actor, I have a repertoire of characters in my brain that I have observed from people that I can mimic, ready to apply them to the next role that I would act in.

As i typed this very sentence i did another google search

And yes.... it says exactly what I have been typing above while remembering my life though i have NEVER been to this site before. It says

Masking, which is also called camouflaging or compensating, is a social survival strategy. How it looks will vary from person to person, but masking can include behaviors like these:

• forcing or faking eye contact during conversations
• imitating smiles and other facial expressions
• mimicking gestures
• hiding or minimizing personal interests
• developing a repertoire of rehearsed responses to questions
• scripting conversations
• pushing through intense sensory discomfort including loud noises
• disguising stimming behaviors (hiding a jiggling foot or trading a preferred movement for one that’s less obvious)

People may mask “AS” for a variety of reasons, such as:
​

• feeling safe and avoiding stigma
• avoiding mistreatment or bullying
• succeeding at work
• attracting a romantic partner
• making friends and other social connections
• fitting in or feeling a sense of belonging

​​Masking causes anxiety and depression. I will explain this even more in the next post. 
But generally, it is depression because after many years, some masks don't work and you don't know what to do and wonder why things don't work out.

Anxious to get out of the house or the safe place because I don't know if I have enough scripts and characters pre planned in case I need them along the way in the day. And if I do, have I rehearsed them enough. 

Can you imagine how many characters are in my head and still anxious if I don't have the right one in a sudden situation. (Remember the foodpanda guy) Rehearsing them over and over again in my head 24/7. I realise now that it is also the cause of my excessive perspiration which then lead up to dehydration. 

And so apparently all these causes fatigue. Include all these with the sensory overload that I shared in the previous post.

Seriously, you may have no idea how much energy i have to put to say an enthusiastic “hi!” in an online class. Imagine how it would be when it is done in physical class. The small talks. The socialising. The quickly running through the files in my head and to choose which script to say whenever someone i don't know says “hi”. 

​A few months ago, a lady attended my online class. I have never met her before. A few weeks ago I met her in person. By now I have already accepted that I have “AS” so I don't bother to mask or prepare social scripts. So we met and we said “hi”. I didn't plan any script or mask and just be myself. I couldn't look at her in the eye. I couldn't say anything else other than “hi”. I just smiled without looking at her eyes. She said that it was awkward. I said, “I guess I am an awkward person.”

On a personal note, it felt good not to mask anymore. But on a social note, I don't think she would talk to me again unless it is important. Which is the initial reason why people with “AS” mask.
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I avoid people now and I feel so much fresher. I still enjoy sleeping. I don't have to mask. Unless foodpanda or online meetings and classes and rehearsals. But i've been keeping quiet during rehearsals and only open my mouth to say my lines, so it's not so bad. 

Avoiding people than being avoided is less painful too. How many people I have trusted and opened up to. How many people I have put up the wrong masks when interacting or making friends or socialising. Now I am just left with myself and maybe a handful of persons that I can talk different topics about. 

At least no one (or less persons) would see my “hypocrisy” now, so it is good for us. So let's just do ourselves a favour and stay away.

NEXT WEEK : Anxiety Depression and Catastrophising

​CATEGORIES : Weirdly Wired