WEIRDLY WIRED : STIMMING

At 40 years old, I found out that I might have been having a neurological condition, though I cannot (yet) afford an official assessment and diagnosis. In the meantime I shall call this condition “AS”. I spent time reading about “AS” and it made me realise that the signs and symptoms were prevalent throughout my life. It is like these writers know exactly how I have been living my life though we have never met before. I start this “Weirdly Wired” series to document about my life experiences with the symptoms which all these while I thought were “normal”.

​In my whole life, I thought they were “bad habits”. My parents always told me that those are “habits” and they would tell me off. They would tell me to stop. 

I watched a video of a person sharing her experiences with “AS” and she mentioned the same thing. We would then try very hard to stop these “bad habits” but would then move on to another “habit”.

As for me, this is particularly true. Even though I have grown older and manage to suppress them, I still realise the importance of them and do them whenever needed or whenever I am subconscious about it.

I find these things extremely soothing and apparently the only thing that is socially acceptable. I have them everywhere. I also make sure that I have at least one of them in every bags that I have in case I forget to bring them.

​STIMMING

​Quoted from a website:

“The word “stimming” refers to self-stimulating behaviors, usually involving repetitive movements or sounds. Everybody stims in some way. It’s not always clear to others.

It’s a coping mechanism that can serve a variety of purposes.
For example, a person with “AS” may be trying to:

• stimulate the senses or decrease sensory overload
• adapt to an unfamiliar environment
• reduce anxiety and calm themselves
• express frustration, especially if they have trouble communicating effectively
• avoid certain activities or expectations”

To me they are soothing. This activity calms me down even though temporarily. The moment I stop stimming, I will start getting anxious and depressed again.

​(Yes I am still nursing a depressive period due to that stupid slander. I have been depressed and anxious and oversleeping for at least 2 months now, on top of the normal depressive trait that I have been having for the past 15 years. I still cannot financially afford to go for “medical treatments”. I am still alive until now so I guess I am good at living with it already. I believe it will go away one day.)

As far as I can remember, I had a lot of so called “bad habits” as I grew up from a boy. Some of the things are mentioned in various websites. It is like these websites know exactly how I have been living. 

Some things that I found on the internet that I have done in my life are:

Biting your fingernails. Drumming your fingers.
I remember being scolded for these. Even when I wasn't tense or anxious, I just did them when I was young and enjoyed them. 

Pulling hair / Twirling your hair around your fingers.
I enjoyed this when I had long hair. 

Cracking your knuckles or other joints.
I've stopped doing this when I realised that my fingers started to become crooked.

Whistling
Was told me that this is a way to call the devil.

Punching or biting.
I wanted to be a boxer or just box some things but I cannot find a safe way to do them. I bite safe things now. Usually my clothes, handkerchiefs and my lips.

Excessive rubbing or scratching at skin / picking at scabs or sores.
I do these till now. My sense of touch is especially sensititive to itch. I can scratch non stop even though there is no feeling of itch. I also enjoy picking scabs. 

Listening to the same song or noise over and over.
People say it is an ear worm. But whenever I feel depressed I would sing. And I would listen to it over and over again. Sometimes for days or even to almost a month.

Blinking repetitively.
This is the most obvious. I didn't realise it until one day when I had a shoot and the director told me to not blink too much. I still do it, but I don't see the point of stopping because it has been ingrained and I don't even realise it. Plus I don't act on screen anymore. 

Rearranging or moving things.
I would just rearrange things the same way again. Like the stuff on my table.

Rocking.
I loved rocking chairs. I used to rock my chair in primary school. Of course got scolded for it.

Walking or pacing on tiptoes.
I stopped when I wanted to be an actor. I still walk on tip toes when I don't realise. 

Staring at moving or rotating objects like a wheel or fan.
Or machines that move repetitively. Like tractors or factory machinery. Was always told off, saying that I “termenung” or “berangan”. But I wasn't. I really enjoy watching them.

Jumping, bouncing, or twirling repetitively.
Not socially acceptable. Seriously, if I am fitter and given the space where it is acceptable, i would. This one is quite easy to suppress as I get older but the urge is still there. The other day during rehearsals, I just rolled around for no reason. Ok, the reason was, I just felt like rolling. Then I realised people might think I was being childish so I just stopped and sat further away.

Currently the most common stimming that I do is just spinning and biting. I bite my shirt, my handkerchiefs and my pillow. I realise I enjoy spinning too. I used to have this spinning toy which I cried for 2 days when my cousin threw it away. I spun my school books in secondary school. I spun my handphones. Now we have a safer thing which is the fidget spinner. I guess I'll just stick to that. 

So yes. Stimming. What I thought and was told as “bad habits”. I still have the urge to do those mentioned above but they would be socially unacceptable. I hope one day in heaven, I can do the things I want without being called crazy. 

NEXT WEEK : Child like imagination

Categories : Weirdly Wired


Anyway, here is a bonus. It is a video of an interview I did. I've stopped masking and just being myself. Even though it was online, I cannot hold eye contact for long, my brain was running everywhere and I couldn't sit still. 

www.facebook.com/107835592603049/videos/170540915181673