At 40 years old, I found out that I might have been having a neurological condition, though I cannot (yet) afford an official assessment and diagnosis. In the meantime I shall call this condition “AS”. I spent time reading about “AS” and it made me realise that the signs and symptoms were prevalent throughout my life. It is like these writers know exactly how I have been living my life though we have never met before. I start this “Weirdly Wired” series to document about my life experiences with the symptoms which all these while I thought were “normal”.
I have to emphasise again that these posts in my “Weirdly Wired” series is not intended to gain sympathy or attracting attention or whatsoever.
My blog has very low readership therefore there is no point in attempting attention seeking. The people who read these are most probably people who really care to read in the first place and not like people who swipe Instagram stories, so most probably they already know me. Thank you for reading anyway, whoever you are.
If you happen to bump into this and you think this is crap, the internet is filled with crap anyway so what difference does it make?
For me, I want to document all these before I die and loved ones can use it as a reference tool.
ANXIETY DEPRESSION CATASTROPHISING
I don't know why anxiety and depression are related to “AS”. I have been reading and there are ano clear answers. It says that people with AS are more prone to it and most of them are on children. I think they have forgotten about adults or adults do not matter and we can fend for ourselves. (Yeah right. And then feel guilty after a suicide.)
As for me, I don't think that I have anxiety or depression. I mean, everyone feels anxious or apprehensive and sad every now and then right? So I read up and see what it means.
Common symptoms of an anxiety attack include:
After seeing this, I actually feel most of these all the time for as long as I can remember. So this anxiety is not normal? You mean you don't feel it all the time? You all are the weird ones.
Ok how about depression?
Signs and Symptoms
The following are some of the common symptoms which surface during bouts of depression. A person who experiences five or more of these symptoms for more than two weeks may have a depressive illness:
Hahaha. 2 weeks? I've been going through this for like at least 15 years! All of it! You mean it is not normal? You mean it is depression and not just sad?
For many many years, I have been LIVING LIKE THIS. It is painful but I always thought it is normal. If I give in to it, I am just a softie. I talked about it to people and what did they say? I have no faith in God. I am emotional. I am emo. I am toxic. I am unfit. I am pessimistic. I am bad tempered. I am full of myself. I think too highly of myself.
NO ONE ever told me that is depression.
So how does anxiety and depression affects someone with “AS”?
I guess it is the planning and masking. As mentioned in the previous post. A person with “AS” prepares. Prepare multiples of characters and memorising numerous rehearsed scripts to apply in different situations.
Anxious on whether one is fully prepared. What if a situation comes and it is under rehearsed or worse, not even planned at all?
Depressed at failed masks and wonder what goes wrong. Why other people can behave a certain way in a particular situation but when I put on a mask to be like that, it doesn't work? It will lead to an accumulation of bad experiences and added on anxiety to make sure it doesn't happen again and if it does, am I prepared or rehearsed for it?
Catastrophising. When things don't work or if something happens., the brain goes straight to catastrophising. Thinking of the worst case scenario or terrible scenarios that might happen that usually don't happen. I just found out about this too. Catastrophising. To me I was just planning for the worst and terrible scenarios to ensure that I know what to do in case it happens. Some people say it is overthinking so I believe them. I didn't know that it called catastrophising. Yes, all these infinite never ending scenario will fill up my brain which will ultimately lead to meltdown or outburst or simply extreme fatigue.
I give you an example. A true example. I don't make this up.
I see a person cross the road. I already have pictures of him slip and fall, twisting his ankle, a cat crossing the road and he got shocked, he got banged by a vehicle, a tree falls on him while crossing, a vehicle across the road and debris from its tyres hits him on the face, an earthquake before he reaches the other side of the road, etc. Yes I think of all these. Unprovoked. They pop in my mind. And I have to make sure that I have everything planned out in case any of these things actually happen.
And this is just someone crossing the road. Remember the last post? Imagine, how many things do I see everytime. Imagine how many things are going through my head every single time. How about the person behind him? The flickering traffic lights? The bus that won't stop for a person hailing and he is chasing for it? A vehicle driver that doesn't check his blindspot? The driver who is using his phone and his phone drops.
I am not even pausing to think about all these. They just flow from my head.
So yes. Anxiety. Depression. Catastrophising.
They all link to each other. Do include these three thing s with the things from my previous posts. The masking. The sensory overload.
Avoiding people make me feel better. I even perspire less now. I never thought that perspiring was a sign of anxiety. I thought it was just my metabolism burning and me being dehydrated. Yes they do play a part. I still perspire but slightly less now due to me being able to realise anxiety.
As for the depression. It is still there. 15 years and counting. It's worse in the morning and when I'm alone. You know that very heavy feeling in your chest and throat and face just before you cry? Yes I've been living with it for the past 15 years. Just that it never burst into a cry. It's just there. Sad, heavy and having to breathe hard everytime when I am not sleeping.
I am still anxious though. Even though I have been avoiding people.
For example sometime ago. A slander about me happened. Even after I have been avoiding people for a year yet a slander can happen that adds to the depression. Worse, I cannot do anything about it. I don't have the proofs to prove that it is a slander and not a fact. I don't have the finances to engage a lawyer to file a suit. I just could only see it happen. Of course, after that I catastrophise. What will happen to the people around me? What will happen to my loved ones? Will I get removed from my job? Will I ever get a job? How many people were behind this slander? How many people will believe it? If I die, will it be better?
Do not forget the sensory overload and masking fatigue. Add them all up. I just want to sleep and not wake up.
I read articles.
When someone die, only then will people feel shocked or should have looked into one's mental health.
But when the person is alive, no one bothers. Even when one is screaming for help.
Maybe if I die, people would feel shocked and regret too. But looking at the situation now, I don't think anyone would bother or even realise. Because to them I am toxic, angry, emotional, rude, pessimistic so maybe they'll be happy if I do die.
So there you go. Anxiety. Depression. Catastrophising.
Plus the “AS”.
I cannot afford to go for consultation or treatment or assessment. They are expensive. I don't trust polyclinics too. I don't think they will take me seriously. Even past friends say that I am of low faith, emo, pessimistic, bad tempered, attention seeker, toxic, crazy, black, buck teethed, ugly and whatever. So why would a doctor suddenly be so nice to say that I need medical help? They don't know me. Oh...maybe they would say that because they want to get paid?
Anyway my religion don't allow suicide and I still have hopes of having a better life in the afterlife.
So I'll just have to live with it.
Categories : Weirdly Wired
NEXT WEEK : The Brain That Won't Rest.
Web logs of art activities on a regular basis (hope).