At 40 years old, I found out that I might have been having a neurological condition, though I cannot (yet) afford an official assessment and diagnosis. In the meantime I shall call this condition “AS”. I spent time reading about “AS” and it made me realise that the signs and symptoms were prevalent throughout my life. It is like these writers know exactly how I have been living my life though we have never met before. I start this “Weirdly Wired” series to document about my life experiences with the symptoms which all these while I thought were “normal”.
I found this online about what people say about obsession that is from our side of the view.
Many “AS” people have intense and highly-focused interests, often from a fairly young age. These can change over time or be lifelong. It can be art, music, gardening, animals, postcodes or numbers. For many younger children it's Thomas the Tank Engine, dinosaurs or particular cartoon characters.
“AS” people might also become attached to objects (or parts of objects), such as toys, figurines or model cars – or more unusual objects like milk bottle tops, stones or shoes. An interest in collecting is also quite common.
“Instead of encouraging “AS” people away from their obsessions, recognise them as actual legitimate interests which may be secretly doing them a world of good.”
“Normal people have interests. “AS” people have obsessions.”
This is going to be an incoherent post. I can see the links between the things I am going to talk about. But I am not sure if anyone can see it too or at least see it in my point of view or the very very least, understand what I am going to talk about.
Basically, today is about connection with specific objects or “obsession” as it is often put as.
It is easy to say that people are “obsessed” with things when you don’t go through it yourself. You might have an interest yourself that to others can be seen as an obsession.
To me it’s all about making myself happy. What do people do to make themselves happy? Meet friends. Meet family members. Doing things with people. Whatever and whoever kinds of people. Go movies, picnic, karaoke, watch football, online games…. Etc etc…… what is the keyword here? People.
A little back story.
I used to have a lot of friends. I had friends for every activity. But as I grow older, one by one left. For many and whatever reasons, they all left. Some just disappeared. Some left angrily. Some just ignored and left.
And because people leave me so easily, I thought that it is normal to leave. And when I do leave certain people, they don’t look for me after that so I guess they are happy that I’m gone.
Initially, people would call me smart, witty, funny, interesting, etc.
But when they got to know me, most of the time, they called me angry, pessimistic, negative, toxic, weird, crazy.
They do not understand me. I didn’t understand why they couldn’t understand me.
At least now I know that, before this, I didn’t understand myself too. I didn’t know that I am different. They didn’t know that I am different. It’s just two different people thinking that all man are created equal and then realise that there are differences without knowing that there could be such differences.
I understand now. There were no diagnosis then. No one knew.
But now I know that I have “AS”. And I found out that people without “AS” are called “Neurotypicals”.
It is ok. Now we know. At least, now I know.
So everyone has left. I don’t bother to find anyone because Neurotypicals won’t understand anyway. So I am just doing my own things happily on my own.
I am in a few new environments now. I don’t feel belong there. As I have never feel belonged anywhere actually. But at least now I have stopped masking and stopped trying to blend in. I just keep quiet and speak whenever I am told. I don’t bother if my talks are incoherent or I don’t make eye contact or I stammer or I blabber. I feel more at ease now. Last week a lady who have stopped talking to me laughed at what I was sharing with people. A lady beside me kept cutting whatever I wanted to say. I used to get annoyed because why wouldn’t you see it from my point of view or at least let me finish what I want to say. But now I don’t care because they are neurotypicals and they are not designed to understand an “AS”. So…. Let it be…. Pergi jahanam.
So what do people with “AS” do?
We have obsessions, that neurotypical call “obsessions”.
I have a number of them. Anyway, they change with times. But some still sticks with me for as long as I can remember and up till today.
Some of them are
Personal computing gadgets such as hp ipad laptop ipods palmtop and computer games.
I have a collection of them and I keep them and I love looking at them and I love getting new ones and I love arranging them and I love making use of them and I love how they look like.
Of course I still have my “Bantal Busuk” (Smelly Pillow) like many others out there.
And a recent obsession is Jennie. I have photos of her everywhere. I mean Kpop fans do this all the time right? I think they are more obsessed with them than me. Just look at some of their behaviours. Well I don’t like Kpop. I just like Jennie. I don’t even like Blackpink. I just like Jennie.
Someone said, I am obsessed with her.
Now, look at it from my point of view.
Having people around you who makes you happy once in a while but constantly hurt you.
Having things around you that will never hurt you and constantly make you happy.
Which one would you choose?
Well it’s up to every individual.
I choose the latter.
NEXT WEEK : OBSESSION / INTEREST ON CERTAIN TOPICS
Categories : Weirdly Wired
Web logs of art activities on a regular basis (hope).