At 40 years old, I found out that I might have been having a neurological condition, though I cannot (yet) afford an official assessment and diagnosis. In the meantime I shall call this condition “AS”. I spent time reading about “AS” and it made me realise that the signs and symptoms were prevalent throughout my life. It is like these writers know exactly how I have been living my life though we have never met before. I start this “Weirdly Wired” series to document about my life experiences with the symptoms which all these while I thought were “normal”.
Finally I'm going to write and post something that is not depressing. Something that can flow like water from a broken tap but yet very tiring to filter and keep them in some coherent order.
Today's post is about how my brain goes all over the place whenever I need to talk.
Here is a video of me answering 2 questions regarding my play early this year. I had to keep my answers within 1 minute. You have no idea how many takes it took me to record that video in 1 minute. I had so much to talk about and I have to trim it down to the most accurate answer. And while I was saying the answers, my brain gets disrupted by possible new answers or information that I think would be worthy to share and I had to consider whether it is worthy and how to say it while exactly at the same time when my mouth is saying the answers that I have already planned to answer.
Oh and also, do notice the wayward eye contact and movements.
It is said that people with with “AS” have terrible eye contact. This I agree. But I guess, the cause of the lack of eye contact is because our brain is processing information from everywhere. I notice that the people with “AS” who share their youtube videos will also have their eyes darting everywhere and have a lot of cuts in their videos. I'm sure it is because they edit it to make the information shared, coherent.
If you read my previous posts in this series, you would have known by now that my brain processes information from everything I see, hear, smell, taste, imagine and remember. They will all fight for my attention like someone photobombing a photograph.
Even when I write, I will jot down points first before I write them in some coherent order. If I let my brain run on its own, my posts would be all over the place. Even now, I think all my posts are pretty much in some disorderly fashion and a professional writer would consider my writings as trash.
And this is me writing. Imagine me talking. I have no time to jot the notes down to filter, arrange, process and disseminate them without getting overwhelmed by incoming information.
Thus, I actually dislike live interviews or talkback sessions.
I actually love to talk. I love having conversations. I love sharing my thoughts. I love having someone to talk to. I really do. But I avoid all these because it is very difficult;
trying to not get out of point.
trying not to be incoherent and arrange them so that people can understand.
trying to make sure that they understand.
trying to filter off all other information that are zooming in my head.
trying to make people see from my point of view.
It is hard and sometimes stressful to arrange these thoughts and information while doing it live. I can feel my brow, forehead and eyes cramping, definitely energy sapping
My command of language is actually quite good, but usually at these times, i will blabber and stammer and mumble as my mouth tries to keep up with my brain.
Ok let me try this activity for this post. It is a freestyle writing activity.
I will choose something random. Set a timer for 2 minute and talk (type) about it until the timer ends. It is important to write whatever that comes to mind during this 1 minute without stopping.
I always do this activity during my play writing classes and the students would be cracking their brains, thinking what to write when in actuality, you don't have to think. Just write whatever that comes to mind. But then again, people are always taught to think before they speak so I guess this activity is unusual for them.
But the point of me sharing this is for you to see how my brain works. I'm not going to hide or edit or filter or whatever.
1 random object
2 minutes to write anything that comes to mind, without stopping.
Ok let me set my timer.
Ok now a random thing on my table.
I choose : Mask (hahhahaha how apt. “AS” and mask.)
Ok 2 minutes start now.
I have blue mask, black mask. Black mask sounds like black mass a johnny depp movie. Black masks are nicer. Cloth masks are ugly. I use to want toys thats called mask in the 80s but they are expensive. I wanted the green bike one called condor. Now i have a green bike because of that toy. It needs to go for servicing. I service the bike at a shop in Woodlands. The guy there is nice but he got a job in another placce already and will be leaving in 2 weeks. My bike is green. Hulk is green. Avengers is no fun already. Whatever is shang chi? I want x men back. But wolverine is dead. Dc movies sucks. I like movies.
Ok so there you go. 2 minutes. Imagine asking me to talk about a mask on my table. Imagine what I would talk about if I do not filter and arrange my thoughts. It will go all over the place. Worse, if I let the other things such as information from sight, smell, hearing, touch and taste get into my brain. The 2 minute typing above was just from my head and not from my 5 senses.
Cool or not?
NEXT WEEK : ORDER, ROUTINES AND HABITS
Categories : Weirdly Wired
Web logs of art activities on a regular basis (hope).