WEIRDLY WIRED : HYPERSENSITIVITY

At 40 years old, I found out that I might have been having a neurological condition, though I cannot (yet) afford an official assessment and diagnosis. In the meantime I shall call this condition “AS”. I spent time reading about “AS” and it made me realise that the signs and symptoms were prevalent throughout my life. It is like these writers know exactly how I have been living my life though we have never met before. I start this “Weirdly Wired” series to document about my life experiences with the symptoms which all these while I thought were “normal”.
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​HYPERSENSITIVITY

This I have to explain. If you have been following my posts, you would know that I had no idea about having AS. I know that for 40 years of my life, I just cannot fit in. I cannot fit in with people and people just drift away from me. Most of them become evil.

I haven’t been posting because life has been difficult. I spent most of my time either working or sleeping. I have been very tired and I embrace it better now. Especially with the most recent project that has just ended. I spent most of my time alone and just keeping silent. I am not arrogant. I just want to keep my peace and to be able to sleep soundly at night. 

There were some things that annoyed me to the cells but I shall not talk about that. People will not like it. They also cannot take the truth from me. So if you are really interested to know, we can always talk verbally with each other. But then again, I have trust issues with people now, so we’ll see if you’re lucky. But anyway, just forget about it. 

Anyway it is still somewhat linked to today’s post. 


Hypersensitivity. 
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It is not like super sensitive as you might imagine. Like, hearing a sound and it makes my ears hurt. Or a touch to the skin and it makes me squirm and run or a smell can make me pass out or a taste of some food will make me puke and fall sick. Some things do of course but it does not happen all the time. Like people look at me in disbelief when I say I do not eat seafood and I am not allergic to them. They will say that I am losing the best things in life. I do not see what is the difference with people who adamantly not eat vegetables. It just don’t taste good right? Yes, so seafood sucks to me. They taste like yellow thick mucus and phlegm when you have flu. It makes me gag. Yes that’s how seafood taste to me. Try eating your mucus. The yellow one. 

So what hypersensitivity are we talking about here?

Only recently when I found out about AS do I piece things up to make sense. I did not know how to explain before this. I just know I am different but I always thought that it is normal for everyone. 
Now just a reminder again that the spectrum is not of 2 extremes like a ruler. It is more of a sphere and no two persons with AS are on the same part of the spectrum. It is different with everyone but with some basic similarities.

One symptom is the way our brain works. For me at least. My brain cannot stop working. I mean all of our brains do not stop working until we are dead. But what I mean here is that, my brain is on hyperdrive 24/7. Even when I sleep. What do I mean? You remember the introduction visuals of Marvel movies where there would be flipping comic strips and very fast image changes? Yes. That is the closest I can try to relate to you about how my brain works. It is a constant flipping of pictures I see in my head that will never stop and it is that fast. Very fast. What pictures? It can be anything. Anything at all. Just pictures after pictures flipping. 

Basically, a brain of someone with AS do not filter things that are considered unimportant. It processes everything.Every sound light smell taste touch everything.

There is an itch on your back but you don’t realise it because your brain filters out these unnecessary information. Now that I mention it, you will suddenly realise, yes there is a tiny itch somewhere. But for an AS brain, we do not filter them out.

The sounds of the fan, breeze on the window, the hanger the knocked on the door, someone sniffing their nose downstairs, a lorry that pass by, I hear them all. Oh yes, the constant itch on every inch of the skin.

Sidetrack.

There is a theatre exercise. We used to do it quite often. The facilitator would tell the participants to lie down and relax. Clos your eyes. Leave all worries outside of the door and just relax. Do not think of anything. Do not imagine anything. Just the black screen from the closed eyelid. 

It never worked on me. I do not understand this activity. I close my eyes and I will never see black. I will see colours, those bacteria looking dust on the cornea and pictures and pictures and many many pictures flipping. 


Back to our topic. So what are the pictures?


Senses. Let me give some examples. 

I the train passing by. I have images of the cabin, the colour, the people in it, the lady in black blouse and white skirt, the uncle dozing off, the driver looking out the windscreen, the spilt brown coffee stain on the floor, the mask up advertisements, yes all these images. And while these images are playing in my head, I would have already hearing another set of sounds and felt another set of sensation on my skin from the wind from my fan and the door that just closed. I see images of the fan with collected dust and it has sleepy eyes and a hand that covers its mouth to yawn. Yes my fan becomes a cartoon character. The door was brown, there was a bronze and rusty handle. 

I don’t know if you understand me saying all these. I just want to say them.

Imagine meeting me in person. 

You are looking at me and say a simple, “Hi. How are you?”

A normal person would say, and most probably lie by saying, “I am fine thank you.” because it is socially acceptable. 

My brain would be telling me things to answer like. “I am fine but I didn’t get any fine because I didn’t park my motorbike haphazardly and I parked it at proper place but maybe I accidentally littered a piece of paper somewhere and maybe I’ll get fined for it. But why would I be fine? I am hungry, the weather is hot, I don’t have a proper job, the workplace was toxic, they didnt renew my contract, people are spreading slanders about me. But I am ok because I am still healthy, I haven’t pooped for 3 days but I am still healthy maybe…….” and so forth…. I can just go on. And I have to suppress all these by saying, “I am fine thank you.” 

It is hard work. Really. It is very tiring. 

Here’s the best thing. 

While I am trying to suppress all those thoughts, a bus passed by. I couldn’t see it. I just hear it and I see images of the bus, the driver, the passengers, the white tissue on the floor, the people tapping out, the indian auntie tapping her ez link card, the china lady boarding the bus, it just goes on….

The itch on the back of my shoulder. I cannot reach it as I have my bag strap and why am I itching? Is it the sweat or the strap? Maybe I should change my bag. But it’s just an itch, maybe I should wear singlet inside next time or change my powder and images of all these playing simultaneously with the other things I mentioned above. Oh another itch on my right sole, in between my toes, behind my ears, armpit. Shoudl I scratch? It will look awkward.

And the smell of curry. I cannot see it but I can smell it and it triggers the images of zamzam and the pseudo drive through and their uniform and I prefer zamzam to victory and the pot is so big and the colour is so nice and the smell is so nice and I had venison there before but it tasted like beef so it could just be beef and they lied to us saying it was venison and charging us a different price and ……. it goes on….

You know what. Let’s suppress all these and concentrate and I finally managed to say…..

“Hi. I am ok.”

By the time I said that, I will be tired already. 

These pictures in my head. They can be a curse but also a gift. Basically, the brain do not filter out unnecessary information input. It processes everything. 

You know, I really hope people can understand more about all these AS things. Especially that there are more portrayals of these things in the media. Attorney Woo is quite popular. Do know that it is not the same for everyone but at least be aware that we exist. We do not need your sympathy. We just need you to understand that we are different. I am not looking at you because I am rude or distracted or bored. I am not looking at you because I am trying hard to to filter the information processes in my brain.

Categories : Weirdly Wired