​Hello. Late to post this but it is important and I put a lot of thoughts in it hoping not to forget anything. It is important because this is one of the most (unknowingly) significant thing in my life.

I am always tired.
People say I look tired
I can sleep more than 12 hours a day and still be tired.
I may wake up after a 12 hours sleep and yet people say i look tired.

I thought I was unfit or lazy. But when I was fresh, people still say I look tired. Maybe the face and the eyes has gone weary over the years.

​I always thought that it was called “adapting to situations”. Like how parents tell you to behave properly in various situations. And in more serious occasions you have to conform to the decorum. It is something that everyone has to do. Like when, “Being in Rome, do as the Romans do.” or “Di mana bumi dipijak, di situ langit dijunjung”.

I have also attended many courses where I was taught and trained to act in different situations. You know those confidence speech courses, frontline staff courses, grooming and gentlemen courses, table manners courses, speaking, behaving, etc. There were many others who attended the courses so I thought that it is normal to “behave properly”.

Even though I felt extremely uncomfortable at times.

I thought i was just shy or an introvert or an ambivert or just lazy.

Those who know me well enough would know that I cannot make phone calls. I have to force myself to make phone calls. Given a choice, I would never answer a phone call. I would never call the food delivery hotline to order food many years back. Thank god for food ordering applications.

I cannot order food at counter. Fast food counter or hawker centre or restaurants. Someone else would order for me. For the longest time in my life when I started becoming independent, it was always the same meal every time I eat out. Chicken rice and coke. Nasi padang was always appetising but I don't know how to order them. Yong tau foo is a nightmare. Now we have self ordering kiosks at the fast food outlets. It is god's gift from heaven. Finally I can drink soft drinks for breakfast and not getting stuck with coffee or tea.

Being in front of the counter is already terrible, imagine being behind one. I hated it. I hated answering queries from people. I hated not being to answer them and had to trouble my colleagues who would later chided me and say something like, “so simple also cannot answer.” I hated the stammering and mumbling as I try to answer while forming sentences that keep getting distracted and jumbled with other information in my head.
​

​It basically means, applying a character. Act out a character to hide the real you. To suppress discomfort and awkwardness. Or simply to prevent yourself from behaving inappropriately. Even in simple situations like having a smoke break. 

So in my 40 years of life, I developed a repertoire of characters and scripts for various situations. These scripts and characters are extremely well rehearsed in my head and I am always ready to use them once the situation happens. 

Currently it has been a long time since i met people that i didn't plan much scripts for certain situations. There was once a foodpanda deliveryman sent food to me after I gave specific instructions to pass the food directly to me and not to be hung at the door. I didn't expect him to ask me “why?” and I didn't prepare a script to answer that. My quick reaction was to answer “if you hang it at the door, people along this corridor will take it.” Yup. That is how someone with “AS” will answer in a conversation and it will be socially incorrect but that was really the first thing in my mind. Even though no one in the corridor would take it. I just said it because my head was imagining a ghetto neighbourhood corridor at that time. In some way, I ended up lying and I hated it and it lingers in my head till today even though this happened many weeks ago.

I guess a proper script to the food deliveryman would be, “So that I am sure that you didn't send the food to the wrong place and the food wont drop when I turn the door handle to open the door.” But I couldn't think of a socially correct answer on the spot. 

I have to create these scripts and characters to not just survive and be socially not awkward but also because people make fun of me when I answer things truthfully. One example would be about the MRT track in 1988 which I mentioned in a previous post.

A recent example is during a rehearsal early this year. A co-actor asked me if I was trained in Silat. I answered yes. But I wasn't trained in competitive fighting. I was trained in Silat for stage performance. It was a truthful answer. 

There was this lady in the room. Obviously she heard my answer though I didn't know that she did because she was sitting some distance away. Some moment later I heard her saying to a friend while sniggering about my answer. Something like, “People asked him if he is Silat trained, and he answered that he is only trained in silat for performance.” I have no idea why she was sniggering. I don't know if she was mocking me, or my answer was funny or what. This was a good 8 months ago and it is still bothering my mind. So I have to always curate my answers so that I will not be bothered for years or decades to come. I am 41 this year and I can feel that my brain is filled with all these “unnecessary” information and wonder from all the past years.
​

​The lady reminds me of another situation. Sidetracking a bit to how people with “AS” prefer a rigid set of routine. 

During the rehearsals at that time, a co actor shared with us some silat movement routine. I analysed and took note of her every step. And because I took note of it, I realise that she changes it every now and then. Maybe some of them are general steps with minor changes but I got annoyed with the changes. One time she was facing this way, the other time when she did the same step again, she was facing another way. I got annoyed because the same lady just now was laughing at me. I was very sure I didn't do anything wrong. The first few times, the co actor was facing, say northwards. I followed and faced north too. Gradually she changed to north east while I maintained north. How would I know that she would change directions at any random moment right? It may seem very very insignificant but these small changes in directions will accumulate to a very obvious difference. 

So the first few times we did the routine, she ended up facing south. Those small changes accumulated, she ended up facing north west which was almost north. And she ended up saying that we will end where we started which is north. But initially she ended south. So when I followed her original routine, I end up facing south which means the opposite of where she is facing. I was very annoyed how no one realise that she has changed directions every time she showed us the routine. Maybe because it was very small. But like I said, accumulatively it would be obvious. So I ended up being the “wrong” person and being the one doing things “wrong” and facing the “wrong” direction. And yes, the lady mentioned just now, she continued laughing at me.

This has happened many times along the course of my life. I particularly hate dancing. Not only can I not coordinate my hands and legs (also mentioned in a previous post), but the choreographers somehow never realise that they keep changing their initial movements for us to follow. They somehow do not realise. Worse thing is, many others who were practicing do not realise as well. Maybe they do but they keep it to themselves because whenever I mention these to others, most of the time they will just say, “Ikut aje....” (Just follow...)
​

​​When i was younger, after national service and facing the world, i picked up human behaviours to blend in, without realising that I was masking. 

There were things that I realised which were uncomfortable or wrong or weird but at that time I thought I was adapting and behaving properly according to situations. 

This also included trying to be part of social circles. Times that I have to like what they like, or behave how they behave or eat what they eat or say how they say. I didn't like some things but I adapted to the way the world works. If you don't behave a certain way or dislike certain things or just simply put, different, they won't acknowledge you to be part of the circle. I had to play catch up to different people just so I am part of the circle. I wasn't trying to be in their good books or sucking up to them. I just thought that is how the world works and I have to behave properly like how you are in Rome.

I remember clearly, I hated the movie “Watchmen” but everyone in the circle loved it. They chided me because I didn't like it. And then they all hated “Merong Mahawangsa” but I loved it and got chided too. It was really very tiring.

As years go by, I realise, people like me when they just met me. Once they got to know me, they start to hate me or avoid me. I slowly realise I wanted to be my own self and stop masking though I still didn't know that I was masking. I thought I was being a hypocrite by behaving differently with different people. Once I became my ownself or accidentally dropped my mask due to fatigue or unplanned scenarios, people started disliking or avoiding me.

This includes circles, friends and relationships. I really felt like a hypocrite but I don't know what is going on. Why can't I suddenly say I dislike “Watchmen”? or I liked “Merong Mahawangsa?” 

As for relationships, I got comfortable and trusting that I drop my masks. I am not a serial killer or kidnapper or some criminal. But without the mask, they can see my “socially inappropriate” responses. I trusted them so much that I don't have to hide my anxiety and depression and sensory overload and meltdowns. But to them, they just think that I am crazy. That I am always angry and stuff. I have to say again, I didn't know that I was masking. This also means, I didn't know that I was dropping my masks to people I trust. 

I think these people just think that I am crazy or a hypocrite or finally showing my “true colours”.
​

​​Because I took it up naturally, I guess it helped me with my acting. Again I have to say, this is without me realising that I am masking. 

An actor found out that he has “AS” at the age of 77. He has won numerous acting awards and known to be able to memorise long lines word for word. I only found out that he could memorise many lines while I was typing this post when I got distracted and googled about him. 

I told you before, this “AS” makes sense in my life as I realise now that I could always memorise quite easily if I want to. Isn't that what actors are suppose to do? I understand that some may have difficulty memorising but I get very annoyed when actors choose adlibing because they cannot memorise. I always that it's not that they cannot but because they are lazy to do so. 2 years ago I did a stageplay with a musician friend who has worked with me for many years and he still asked, “what computer chip did I install in my brain?”

I also enjoyed mimicking. When I just started acting and had many friends, they enjoyed seeing me do impersonations. I enjoyed doing them too. With years of being an actor, I have a repertoire of characters in my brain that I have observed from people that I can mimic, ready to apply them to the next role that I would act in.

As i typed this very sentence i did another google search

And yes.... it says exactly what I have been typing above while remembering my life though i have NEVER been to this site before. It says

Masking, which is also called camouflaging or compensating, is a social survival strategy. How it looks will vary from person to person, but masking can include behaviors like these:

• forcing or faking eye contact during conversations
• imitating smiles and other facial expressions
• mimicking gestures
• hiding or minimizing personal interests
• developing a repertoire of rehearsed responses to questions
• scripting conversations
• pushing through intense sensory discomfort including loud noises
• disguising stimming behaviors (hiding a jiggling foot or trading a preferred movement for one that’s less obvious)

People may mask “AS” for a variety of reasons, such as:
​

• feeling safe and avoiding stigma
• avoiding mistreatment or bullying
• succeeding at work
• attracting a romantic partner
• making friends and other social connections
• fitting in or feeling a sense of belonging

​​Masking causes anxiety and depression. I will explain this even more in the next post. 
But generally, it is depression because after many years, some masks don't work and you don't know what to do and wonder why things don't work out.

Anxious to get out of the house or the safe place because I don't know if I have enough scripts and characters pre planned in case I need them along the way in the day. And if I do, have I rehearsed them enough. 

Can you imagine how many characters are in my head and still anxious if I don't have the right one in a sudden situation. (Remember the foodpanda guy) Rehearsing them over and over again in my head 24/7. I realise now that it is also the cause of my excessive perspiration which then lead up to dehydration. 

And so apparently all these causes fatigue. Include all these with the sensory overload that I shared in the previous post.

Seriously, you may have no idea how much energy i have to put to say an enthusiastic “hi!” in an online class. Imagine how it would be when it is done in physical class. The small talks. The socialising. The quickly running through the files in my head and to choose which script to say whenever someone i don't know says “hi”. 

​A few months ago, a lady attended my online class. I have never met her before. A few weeks ago I met her in person. By now I have already accepted that I have “AS” so I don't bother to mask or prepare social scripts. So we met and we said “hi”. I didn't plan any script or mask and just be myself. I couldn't look at her in the eye. I couldn't say anything else other than “hi”. I just smiled without looking at her eyes. She said that it was awkward. I said, “I guess I am an awkward person.”

On a personal note, it felt good not to mask anymore. But on a social note, I don't think she would talk to me again unless it is important. Which is the initial reason why people with “AS” mask.
​

I avoid people now and I feel so much fresher. I still enjoy sleeping. I don't have to mask. Unless foodpanda or online meetings and classes and rehearsals. But i've been keeping quiet during rehearsals and only open my mouth to say my lines, so it's not so bad. 

Avoiding people than being avoided is less painful too. How many people I have trusted and opened up to. How many people I have put up the wrong masks when interacting or making friends or socialising. Now I am just left with myself and maybe a handful of persons that I can talk different topics about. 

At least no one (or less persons) would see my “hypocrisy” now, so it is good for us. So let's just do ourselves a favour and stay away.

NEXT WEEK : Anxiety Depression and Catastrophising

​CATEGORIES : Weirdly Wired

​When I was a boy, I thought I was a superhero. Just like every other children think. But they didn't look like they think that they were. They only became superheroes or superhuman when they play. They didn't believe that they were during normal times like reading times, eating times, napping times etc. But I did.

I thought I had super senses. Like Superman or Spiderman. I could see things that people couldn't. I could hear things that people didn't. I could smell things that they didn't. 

And then I checked with them. “Can you see that?” “Can you hear that?” Can you smell that?”

And they said yes.

So I guess it is just normal and I was imagining things. I grew up thinking everything is normal.

​I was disappointed that I am not superhuman and I cannot emulate a superhero. I am just another dispensable person. 

But only recently when I read about “AS”, I found out that all those sights, sounds, smell, taste, texture all make sense. Yes everyone can sense them too but how the brain of someone with “AS” process them is different. 

And some of it can actually been very, and have been, disturbing all my life.

​SIGHT

When I became myopic at the age of 8, I resigned to the fact that I am not a superhero. As it worsen over the years, I had no choice to put on spectacles and keep changing them every year. My “degree” went up to 350 by the time I reached 12 years old.

Like I said, it's not that I can see things that people couldn't. It is how my brain process the things (and information) I sense. 

When I was 34, I went for Lasik treatment and have almost perfect eyesight till today. From then on, it reminded me of what I have been seeing. 

Let me try to explain. 

Have you ever tried taking a photograph of a friend. And while you are trying to get the best composition, other friends try to photobomb. Behind, beside, in front of the subject and they cannot stop moving. They come in and out of the frame. Jump in and out. Making noises and screaming for attention? I'm sure you had. 

That is the best analogy I can think of. That is how I see things everywhere around me. At first I thought I was easily distracted. Some people keep saying that I am easily distracted. Some people say I cannot make eye contact. 

Yes. Everything around me just jump in and out, screaming for attention. Not in a ghostly or weird manner but.... let's say I am walking along a pavement, I will see a squirrel, a crow, a mynah, a finch, a cockroach, a rat, a lizard, a person crossing the road, a piece of cloth being dried at a nearby block, a flying plastic bag, a car with a dent, a policeman in a car adjusting his spectacles, it just go on. And EVERYTHING is demanding for my attention just like someone trying to photobomb a photo. All of them seem to say, “Look at me!” It is very tiring to ignore that I end up not ignoring. I'll just look at them, let my brain process them and even remember them for minutes, sometimes hours and days. By the time I've finished a few hundred metres of walk, my brain will be overloaded with images and information. Most of the time I get tired, close my eyes and massage my head. 


HEARING

Very similar to my sight. Every little thing that I hear is screaming for attention. It is not that I can hear a pin drop from a kilometre away like a superhuman. It is just that every sound that any other person would ignore, screams for my brain's attention. 

Let me try this analogy. 

Say you are driving down a road in Singapore. Windows all wound up. You turn on the radio and drive on happily. Actually there are sounds around you that you can hear but you ignore. The engines of other vehicles, the motorbike engines, the pebbles that you drive on, the friction of the road and the tires, the sound of your own engine, the wind, the trees ruffling, construction works, bumps on the road, etc. All these slightly masked by the music from the radio. And then you hear the sound of a horn from somewhere which got your attention and you became alert for that moment of time to see what the horn was about. 

You see, there were other sounds but you ignore. Once you hear a horn, your senses heightened. Even though the sound of the horn may not be louder than your radio's volume. 

So that is what I am hearing. Every sound around me is like a horn. All sounds jolt me or heightened my alertness to some degree. Every sound screams for attention. While I'm driving, I hear everything that I mentioned above without being able to ignore them. Let me copy and paste. 

The engines of other vehicles, the motorbike engines, the pebbles that you drive on, the friction of the road and the tires, the sound of your own engine, the wind, the trees ruffling, construction works, bumps on the road, etc. 

But they cannot be masked by the sounds from the radio. 

It made me realise also that I don't actually listen to music. I thought I just didn't enjoy it. I realise that they are just more distractions and more sounds screaming for attention. Imagine while driving and with the sounds that I mentioned plus the music, my brain will pick up extra sounds and information from the music such as the bass drums, the bass, the cymbals, the strings, the screeching of the guitar plectrums, the singer's breath, etc.

This is only an example during a drive. Combine the hearing and the sights while driving. I don't know if you can imagine the chaos in my head and how tired I get.

I am not even going to share my experiences on sleeping.

Ok I share a bit.

I get tired so I become sleepy but I keep getting woken up by sounds. I hate the army because of this. The whole bunk is noisy. Worse during reservist. 40 years of getting tired but not able to get good sleep all the time. Imagine living in an HDB flat, 3rd floor, beside a street, a carpark, a coffee shop, a market. I really really badly want to have my own quiet place to stay to finally get a good sleep. But then again I am a peasant in my own country so I most probably end up in another noisy HDB flat. 

Just to sum up this part. I cannot ignore any sound and every sound screams like a vehicle horn that begs for attention.

SMELL TOUCH TASTE

I guess you would be able to imagine by now how everything screams for attention. Sight and hearing are hard to control but the other 3 senses can be controlled so I don't really have much issue with them. I don't want to smell, I can cover my nose. I don't want to feel then I don't touch. I don't want to taste then I don't eat. 

But I'll just share what I think can be interesting. 

SMELL

I can remember smells. I can associate smells to the last thing I remember of it. The person, the place, the situation. Some very generic ones like, this perfume reminds me of someone. The smell of concrete reminds me of some homes I went. The smell of haze reminds me of the worse haze in 1997 and 2013. 

When I was working with ACT3 and I travelled to schools all over Singapore, I remember sharing with my colleagues that certain areas have its own smell. I cannot explain what they smell like but if I smell them again, I can remember. Areas with the most distinct smells are Jurong, Tampines, Bedok, Yishun, and Bukit Batok. 


TOUCH

I always thought that I am ticklish. I remember when people tickle me, I would squirm. The sensation will stay with me for hours and I hate it. The only way for me to fight off the ticklish feeling is by screaming and beating the person who tickle me. I would feel this balance in my head and body and I can forget about the tickle. So if anyone tickled me, I would beat the person up immediately. 

Some people with “AS” says that they get disturbed by things like clothes label at the collar or the inside of the shirt. For my body, I can feel the constant itch. Everything gets itchy and I just need to scratch or else I won't feel satisfied. Anything can cause an itch. A wind blow, a twitching eye, a person's touch, the clothes label brushing the skin. I've learnt to ignore them but if I have a choice, I would scratch every itch.

Also, when I touch something with my left, I must make sure my right will touch it also or I will feel an unexplainable imbalance. If I touch a lift button with the forefinger of my left hand, I will touch it again with the forefinger of my right hand. If I kick a football with my right foot, I make sure I'll kick it again with my left. If I scratch my right shoulder, I must scratch my left shoulder too. 

TASTE

As for taste, I don't have much issue because as I get older and with certain habits, I am slowly losing my sense of taste. But similar to the sense of smell, I can remember certain tastes and what it reminds me of. 

WHEN ALL THE 5 SENSE COMBINE

That's pretty much I can say about my 5 senses. Previously I thought that all these are normal and I am just a weakling and a spoilt brat. I cannot sleep unless it's quiet. I get tired easily. I get distracted. 

After reading about “AS”, all these make perfect sense. Just imagine one drive from home to work. All the information that is screaming for attention. I get tired when I reach my destination even though the day has just started. The information that was crammed in my head during the drive get stuck in my head for hours and imagine how many more information get forced into my head from the other hours. Everything I see hear and smell. The annoyance I experience when the things I touched are not balanced. I get tired when I reach home. I cannot have a good sleep because HDB flats have noisy surroundings and then tomorrow is another day. 

These are just tiredness from the senses. “AS” terms it as Sensory Overload. 

Next week I am going to share about another thing that apparently causes fatigue too.

NEXT WEEK : Masking and Fatigue

Categories : Weirdly Wired

At 40 years old, I found out that I might have been having a neurological condition, though I can yet afford an official assessment and diagnosis. In the meantime I shall call this condition “AS”. I spent time reading about “AS” and it made me realise that the signs and symptoms were prevalent throughout my life. It is like these writers know exactly how I have been living my life though we have never met before. I start this “Weirdly Wired” series to document about my life experiences with the symptoms which all these while I thought were “normal”. ​

​I always wondered. Is it because I am ugly? Just like the ugly duckling? Was I physically weaker? Was I not smart enough? I somehow could not fit in. And when I tried, it all felt just weird. 


LEGS

My mother said I started walking when I just reached one year old. She said it was faster than normal. Yet, I walked on tip toe. I remember this. I walked on tip toe till I was maybe 5 when I was in kindergarten. I always got scoldings to walk properly. I finally did, but walking on tip toe still feels more natural till today. It feels more comfortable and I have more control. Which made me realise too that I have a weird gait until today. Every time I watch a video of myself walking, it look weird. Like I don't stride my legs forward but rather push them backwards. I had problems running long distance during the army and my mates would always say that I am lazy to stride forward. Tried as I might but they still say that I didn't. Apparently, gait and tip toe are symptoms. 

Another thing about legs that I kept getting scolded about was, swinging my legs when sitting on a chair. I don't understand this. Why was I not allowed to swing them? People say that it is a bad habit. But swinging and rocking felt normal. It may have been therapeutic but at that time, it was just fun. 

A trivia for legs, I cannot skip. As in skip with a skipping rope. I cannot dance. I cannot play the drums when the pedals are involved. Basically I cannot coordinate my legs with my body at the same time. I can play football though as I don't need to coordinate my legs with my hands. 

TOYS

I don't really like many children toys. Like figurines or cars or kites or guns. I liked toys that I can arrange. I had a lot of those small toy soldiers. I would arrange them in order or arrange them like they are in a battle formation. I had small toy animals too that I would arrange them in some manner like in a zoo or in a jungle. I liked blocks too and arrange them to look like buildings or in some order. Basically I liked arranging things. But most importantly, they must make sense. You cannot put a recce soldier with binoculars in front of the formation. There must be some people covering him. You cannot put a tiger beside a polar bear. Things like that. When I was slightly older, I had table soccer toys. I didn't actually like playing them. I just liked arranging them in various formations and admire them. 

But I like stuffed toys till today. Not all kinds. Just those that I feel I can trust and I can talk to.

This is where I realise, I don't fit in with people my age at that time. I really don't like playing with them or with my cousins. I hated the games they play. They make up their own rules as and when they liked. There was no order and I hated them. We played outdoor games like in the playground or void decks or beaches or parks and I realise I always got bullied because I didn't understand their sudden change in rules. While I was questioning myself, why should there be only scissors paper and stones in a game when there are many things in the world that can break a pair of scissors instead of a rock or a blunt scissors cannot cut a thick vanguard sheet, they would change it to black and white palms and before I knew it, I would be the one assigned to chase after them or look for them as they hide. It was tiring and utter nonsense. Not to mention, always confusing. And I hated running. 

SYMMETRY AND PATTERNS

I was obsessed with symmetry. I looked forward for symmetry lessons in school for me to understand how symmetry works. Everything has to be in order. There must be symmetry and balance. Put 2 soldiers to the left, there must be 2 other on the right. I get disturbed when I don't see symmetry. Even till now, I get disturbed when my students cannot see symmetry and 2/3 rules when taking photographs. 

But there are things that are not symmetrical. I had to find a way not to be disturbed by it. And that is by looking for patterns and pictures and images. Like a carpet with some non symmetrical design in my room. My mother said that they were leaves but I saw clearly in the design that there were 3 medieval Chinese soldiers in full armour. Or if I see tree bark designs (which are obviously not symmetrical), I would see them as a maze or road networks for ants to pass through.

READING

I read everything. I started reading before I was 2 years old and had my library card at 2. I just could not stop reading. I read everything that I could see. I prefer the Malay language as the pronunciation is as how it is spelt. I hated the English and Arabic language as there is no order and consistency. When I was in madrasah and we learnt to write and read Jawi scripts, I always get annoyed with the teachers as there was always no consistency in spelling. As for English, things like why “bus” is spelt with a “u” in the middle and not “a”? Any why is “busy” pronounced as “beezeey” and not “baseey”?

Anyway I read everything. Books, newspapers, sign, captions, wordings on things like shoes, toothpastes, plastic bags etc. I personally enjoyed reading history, facts and maps. I love them. I love the details in them. I memorised maps and proudly share them with my parents and uncles and aunties. Of course my parents would agree with me. But I remember that everyone else never took me seriously. 

There was once when I was 8 years old. A bunch of old folks were talking about the upcoming MRT plans. This was in 1988. I was just sitting and playing alone but I could hear them talking. They were wondering why the Jurong East station had 3 tracks. They came out with various reasons like one of the tracks lead to the depot, a spare track, an emergency track etc. I couldn't take it and told them that it was for a northward extension to three more stations, ie. Bukit Batok, Bukit Gombak and Choa Chu Kang. 

The whole living room roared with laughter. I remember this very clearly. They laughed at me. They said... what Gombak? You think this is Malaysia? Gombak is in Selangor! I was very upset. Little did they know that I memorise the map of Malaysia and Selangor too. But I was only 8 in a room of adults and I couldn't say anything back.

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​THINGS THAT I HEAR

Not only did I memorise maps. I could memorise things that I hear. I would repeat them when I hear them. I thought it was just a habit. But I found out that it is also a symptom. Repeating things that I hear. Either loudly or muttering them. Thus with constant repeating, I could memorise lines from movies and songs. I would say them over and over again, word by word, with its exact intonation. Initially it was funny to my relatives but soon they got annoyed of it. I can say out every line in P Ramlee movies down right to the tone, speech pattern and voice register. I memorised songs I hear on the radio and TV. I was actually repeating them. I wasn't like really singing them. I was just repeating. But since they were songs, it sounded like I was singing them. My father always said then, “Ini semua pandai, ngaji tak boleh.” (Good at memorising all these but I cannot read the Arabic words in Quran lessons.) It was not that I could not read them. I just dislike them because there is no order. How can one letter sound differently at different times? But if you let me hear them, I can memorise with ease. Father realised this and sometime later, he bought cassettes of Quranic verses for me to memorise.

Anyway I didn't particularly enjoy my childhood years unless I was at home. I enjoyed being at home. Travelling, mixing with cousins, going to school, trying to mix with people, trying to make people understand me, disorder in people's behaviour are all very very disturbing. But I thought that they were all normal and I just have to adapt and not be a troublesome brat.

There are many other symptoms that are prevalent throughout my life that are not exclusive to when I was a child. Maybe from next week onwards, I will post things according to symptoms rather than the age period. 


NEXT WEEK : Sensory Overload

​I am starting this new series just for fun. I don't know how it will be an entertaining read. I don't know how it would be useful. I don't know how it would benefit anyone. But then again there are a lot of crap contents on the internet nowadays, and there are people who actually like them. As for me, I can use it as a source of reference in the future as I live the last half of my life. 

People say, life starts at 40. I was honestly looking forward to it. But as I turned 40 in 2020, life was terrible. We were made to coop up as incomes drop while we protect ourselves from some flying virus. 

So while sitting quietly during the 2020 Circuit Breaker, not knowing what to do, not knowing where life is heading to, I spent my time reading and watching movies online.

It started with watching one particular movie which triggered my realisation. I have a liking to this movie because there were parts of it that I can relate. Then I remember that there are other movies that I like and I like them because I can relate to them too. That's when I realise that these movies have the same thing in common. And these are the movies that I like. And it is all about the main character and I realise I like them because I can relate. 

No big deal right? We all like movies and stories that we can relate to.

Then I did readings on the characters which were actually based on real people. I found out that these people all have one thing in common. They all have a particular neurological condition. So, I can relate to them because of this condition? I did more readings (just like in movies where the main character found out something and he goes on researching with fast cuts and dramatic music) and suddenly everything made sense.

I am not going to name the movies because you will know the characters. Because if you do, you will know what is the neurological condition that they are having. 

Why am I not mentioning all these? 

Because... why do i feel that I can relate to these characters? Why do suddenly everything make sense? Because, i realise that i may have the same neurological condition as them. I cannot say for sure because I would need to go for an assessment and diagnosis to confirm that I have the condition too but as for now I cannot afford to do so. Will explain this later in the post. But for now and the rest of this posts and series, let's call this condition “AS”.

Such a long introduction. Let's summarise.

1) Life starts at 40. Turned 40 in 2020. It was Circuit Breaker.
2) Watched movies and realise I can relate to the main characters
3) Found out that they all have “AS”
4) Read about “AS” and realise that I might have the condition too.

And then my whole life all these while made sense. I read about the signs and symptoms of “AS”. I did those free “AS” tests online. And my past 40 years of life made perfect sense. Everything from reading at 2 years old, walking on tip-toe, how I see things, how I made friends (and lose them), the constant fatigue, meltdowns and outbursts. And many many other things. All make perfect sense. 

All these while I thought it was normal. And apparently, there is a condition for this? You mean most people do not experience these?

One cool thing that happened in 2009, which I got reminded of while reading about “AS” was when I wrote a play that I would later acted in myself. I took the opportunity to create one character (that I was going to act as) to be as myself. I was happy because I just had to be myself. The things that I would say, the things that I would do, things that I like, things that I play, how I would say them, were all in that character. Just me being my comfortable self. (I didn't know about masking then. I thought I was just adapting to situations. Apparently I have been masking my whole life and playing that character was such a relief to be my own self. More about masking in other posts.) During the preview of that play, an acquaintance said that my character has “AS”. 

At that time I was annoyed. That was the time when “AS” came into light and I felt that it was a “mainstream” thing. Being born in 1980, there was no such thing as “AS” diagnosis. So I thought the acquaintance was generalising new mainstream things into characters. I felt annoyed because I was just being myself. What do you mean I have “AS”?

Well, of course the next step is to go for assessments and diagnosis right? Unfortunately, they are expensive and I cannot afford them. Especially during these period of financial uncertainty. 

I tried asking a government institution. The price quoted was cheaper but the next assessment will be in 7 months time and I have to get a referral from a polyclinic. 

I have doubts with polyclinics to be honest. With the number of people in queue for consultation, I feel that they will brush minor things aside. Most probably give me a 2 days MC to sleep and think it over. I don't know. But I have a feeling that they will not take me seriously. So I am going to shelf this assessment idea aside for the moment. Plus I am not a child anymore and have lived with this condition for 40 years, I realise that no one cares and no one will believe me. So I don't think it's worth to spend thousands on an assessment and diagnosis that will not change my life or employability. Worse if I have spent that amount only to be diagnosed negative, I would have wasted that much money only to know that I am crazy.

So what is going to be in this series of posts? 

Once a week, (I'm aiming for 1 post every Wednesday) I will share a symptom / sign of “AS”. I will also share life experiences or situations where these symptoms were prevalent or happened in my life. Things that I thought were normal but apparently not for everyone.

Why am I doing this? My readership is low, so asking for sympathy is out of the question. I would want to document all these for future reference in case I die and anyone wondered why I live my life as such, or if I need them for future assessments. A friend also encouraged me to document them. Maybe I can compile them into a book in the future. There are a lot of videos on youtube by people with “AS” sharing their experiences and advices. I will not do that. I'd rather write. But the purpose is somewhat similar. How it relates to you or benefit you, is entirely up to you.


NEXT WEEK : When I was a boy.