​​I went to the course with Martin. Well actually his name is Paul. Martin is his surname. But we all call him Martin. He was assigned as the GPMG team commander for platoon 8.

​​There were about 20 trainees in the course. I cannot remember the exact numbers. Let's just say 20. 10 trainees from the SAF and there were 10 trainees from the Brunei army. It's cool to meet soldiers from another country, as mentioned in the previous post. 

To be honest, the most memorable experiences I have from this course, is the interaction with the Bruneians. They were cool.  They were regular soldiers who signed up to be in the military. They were in their early to late 30s. Older than us. They were from a reconnaissance squad. “Pasukan Pemantau” they called it. The highest ranking personnel was a corporal. The rest were lance corporals and privates. Just like the Malaysian army, they were surprised to see sergeants who are so young. 

What was it about them that were cool? 

They were quiet and very disciplined. They didn't talk much. They were nice but they didn't talk much. Unlike these noisy Singapore boys in the bunk next door, the 10 of them had this “air of military” about them. They walk, talk and move quietly. Their faces were rugged and fierce. They had focused eyes. They were lean. They looked like real disciplined soldiers. And they were all also quite small. Lean, fit and strong but very small built. I think the tallest among them was 1.7metres tall.

On the final week of our course, we had a one night in the forest for an exercise. Yup. That was the only night that we were out in the field throughout the course. That night, I saw the coolest things that I have ever saw in the army and I still remember the images till today.

We went out to the forest in Pasir Laba. The idea of the exercise was for us to dig a GPMG trench in the hills and pretend that we have to defend the area. 

One of the topics in the course was learning about creating a GPMG trench (or foxhole) and that night, we would be having a practical lesson and had to dig a real trench.

A GPMG foxhole is bigger than a normal 2 men trench (last I dug a trench was during “Exercise Nutcracker”. A Guards unit do not dig foxholes as we are always on the move. We only dig a much shallower ditch called a “shellscrape”.) If the 2 men foxhole was called a 3 room flat, the GPMG trench was called a “5 room flat”.

So in the afternoon, we broke into 2 teams. The SAF boys in one team and the Bruneians in one team. We were supposed to dig a trench each. A GPMG team comprises of 3 men but we had 10 guys to dig one trench. Should be easy right? Nope. Digging a foxhole with just that mini “cangkul” was not easy. It took hours for us to dig them. The bigger and normal cangkul was too big for us city boys to control and the smaller cangkuls are too small to dig more earth quickly. 
​

​I was tasked to chop down 4 trees. So I chopped a tree with a parang. I don't remember how many times I swung the parang and hit a tree. It was a very very slow process with that semi blunt parang. The other trainees had problems cutting down their part too. 

Then one Brunei soldier came over to me. It was the last week so we were already talking and chatting and got to know each other since 3 weeks ago. Though I have forgotten their names.

One of them, I remember how he looked like, he was the smallest guy there. He came and asked in Malay if we needed help as they were already done with their trenches and it was getting dark. I said, my parang was blunt and I have been swinging till my arms ache and yet not one tree has fallen. He said, the parang was purposely made blunt for our training but there is always a way. You need to strike the tree stem at the right angle. 

He took my parang and stood in front of the tree I was hacking. Two big swoops to the right of the tree, two swoops to the left of it and the tree has already a V shape cut. That was 4 swings and he pushed the tree down. My mouth and eyes opened wide. 

“Berapa lagi?” (How many more?)”

“Three more....” I said in Malay. 

He chose 3 trees in front of us and asked if they were ok? I said that they were. And again, 4 swoops and 1 tree fell. He did it again to the other 2 more trees and in less than 5 minutes, I had 4 trees down compared to like maybe 1 hour hacking at the same tree. 

He then moved on to hack down all the other 8 trees that were being “scratched” by the other SAF boys. 

Unbelievable. 4 swings, 1 tree, with a blunt parang. 12 trees in total for us. And he was the smallest of the Bruneian army there. Really unbelievable.

Another cool experience. 

After our trench was done, we were supposed to stay there for the night. So basically it was just like camping in our 5 room flat. There were 10 of us, so we just slept around the area.

I couldn't sleep. We kept getting bitten by mosquitoes. Somehow, Pasir Laba mosquitoes have sharper and deeper bites compared to Tekong mosquitoes. We all had to use a generous amount of insect repellant but still they would bite through our clothes.

I couldn't sleep. I walked over to the Bruneian side to chat and smoke hoping the smokes would shoo the mosquitoes away. Most of them were sleeping heavily. I went to the corporal who was drinking coffee. It was in the night, it was dark but not so dark that we could not see. We could still see everyone but we couldn't see the mosquitoes. 

So I sat with him and talked. He asked why I wasn't asleep yet. I said I couldn't because of the mosquitoes. I saw most of them sleeping and I asked if maybe there weren't much mosquitoes in their area. He said, it's the same. They just sleep even with mosquitoes. 

To me that was cool enough. They could sleep with mosquitoes buzzing around. But I didn't smell any insect repellant. I asked, if they got used to be bitten by mosquitoes. He said, the mosquitoes don't bite. I didn't understand. Even as I was talking to him in the dark, I was constantly getting bitten. 

Then he said and showed me this cool thing. 

He said in Malay, “This is their place. We are humans entering their place. We have to respect their place. Mosquitoes are God's creation, just like us. We are not here to kill them. We are here to do our work. So, talk to them nicely... mosquitoes, please do not bite me. I am here to work and when I'm done, I will leave. Remember, we are in their place. Ask them nicely. Mosquitoes, please do not bite me. And then they won't.”

And then he turned on his torchlight and shone in front of him, between me and him. There were mosquitoes all over my limbs and body but none of them were on him. There were so many mosquitoes I could see so clearly in the light but they were all flying in front of him and none on him at all.

He said, “See.... say nicely...”

It was so cool. After our chat and smokes, I went back to my trench. I tried. I talked to the mosquitoes nicely and then tried to sleep. I didn't get bitten the whole night and slept soundly till morning. Maybe I was tired and didn't realise anymore. But here is a secret I'm sharing with you, from that night onwards, I continued doing what he told me to. Say nicely.... and I never used any insect repellant throughout my army days from that night all the way till I completed my reservist cycle 13 years later.

I remember these 2 experiences very clearly. Even more than the rest of the times I had in the course. 

1 blunt parang, 1 man, 12 trees.

1 man. Say nicely, and no insect repellant until I'm done with army.

Super cool. 

Some things are never taught in textbooks or courses. We may have a high education standard but there are many more things that our education will never understand or attempt to cover.

NEXT WEEK : WE'RE THE MARINES!

Categories : The Army Series
​

I've been putting this off because I don't know what to write about. I guess it is going to be a short post. 

Today's topic is about “Silent Shutdown”. It is just an opposite of an angry outburst or meltdown and I think almost everyone will experience these in some form of another. I do see people who doesn't seem to be angry. They get upset but don't seem to be angry. Or maybe they get angry when I don't see them or the way they cope with anger is different.

One thing for sure is, I am always angry. I didn't know why I am always angry but now I do. It is the combination of all stress factors such as depression, anxiety, sensory overload, script and character plannings and masking. These are all mentioned in the previous posts but like I said, I thought they are all normal and everyone goes through them somehow or rather.

I have students who say that I am always angry and scary and they don't know what will trip my wire at anytime. I had relationships with people who say the same things too. I thought I was just an angry person. Like The Hulk. 

So when people have meltdowns, they will have an outburst of emotions. There were many times that I got angry and I have my own way of releasing them. 

But what about “Shutdowns”?

What is a shutdown?

Both shutdowns and meltdowns are the response to intense stress. It is the body’s attempt to try and protect itself from situations that have become too overwhelming. Like a computer might shut down if there isn’t enough power, in autistic shutdowns the body tries to prioritise the basic functions and stop all other processes. The ability to process information drastically reduces.

There are other responses like this that everyone experiences. For example, the ‘fight or flight’ response. To explain it in basic terms, the body feels as though there is a threat and prepares to respond in one of these two ways – to face the threat head-on or to flee from it. When a shutdown occurs, the body will freeze instead of adopting a fight or flight response.

Situations that may contribute to a shutdown include:

• High demand situations – whether the demand is emotional, physical or social
• Stress
• Situations that require a lot of thinking
• Lack of sleep
• Sensory overwhelm

There may be one event that triggers a shutdown. On the other hand, things could build up over time, with one event tipping the balance and causing things to become too overwhelming.

​What are the signs of a shutdown?

Everyone’s experience of shutdowns is different. But if someone is having a shutdown you may notice they:

• Become withdrawn
• Make less eye contact or none at all
• Speak less or not at all
• Leave the area or room
• Move to a quiet or dark place, or one that feels safe
• Move away from people
• Have a blank expression
• Appear to be staring into space
• Cover parts of their face or body
• May not be able to move

The person may not be able to communicate in the moment or explain what is happening. They may appear to go through the motions while appearing more detached and withdrawn, or they may withdraw completely.

​What I can share in this post is that I experience this shutdowns mostly with close friends who disappoint me and in my relationships.

I remember I just kept quiet. 

I always thought that I kept quiet because I'm tired. Well actually I am tired, now that I read its descriptions. Other than tired, I feel that I don't know what to say anymore or what to react or what to do. I just feel tired and I cannot say anything. It just feels that whatever I am going to say will be wrong. 

Just that. 

Shutdown. Quiet. Sleep.

Most of the time, people just think that I am irresponsible and don't want to talk it out. At other times, they think I am being selfish for not sharing my thoughts. Another time, they think I'm sulking. I hate it. I hate when they say that I sulk (merajuk). I don't. I just don't know what to say, nothing I say will matter, too many things in my head, instead of a meltdown, instead of going full hulk mode, I just shutdown. 

As I grow older, I keep quiet when I am angry because people won't like me when I am angry. It gets frustrating when people make me angry and when I do show my anger, it will be my fault. It will be me in the wrong. So I avoid people. Or when I'm angry I will keep quiet. And when i suppress these anger, a shutdown will happen. 

Just like I mentioned in previous posts, I avoid people now and one reason is because I know, they don't understand these shutdowns.

NEXT WEEK : INCOHERENT TALKS

Categories : Weirdly Wired

I cannot remember the year. Definitely in 2001 or 2002. Our unit was part of Exercise Semangat Bersatu. A joint mission with the Royal Malaysian Armed Forces. I think it lasted maybe about 2 weeks. Soldiers from Malaysia came to our camp for an exchange programme. It is an on going cooperation between SAF and RMAF. It's either they come here or soldiers from SAF will go there. So lucky for us, they came to Bedok Camp when it was our turn. We had enough overseas trips already so I really did not mind not going to another country.

Exercise Semangat Bersatu. Funnily always pronounced as “Segamat Bersatu” by some people. 

About a company plus size number of soldiers came. The soldiers that came to our place were from the Johor base. At that time, there was a film called “Leftenan Adnan” (now playing on Netflix) and they used the soldiers from that base in the film. So they looked familiar. We asked them if it was true and they proudly said yes. It was a good movie to me. 

So it was a simple exchange programme. They came here, settled down to stay at Bedok Camp for around 2 weeks. We started off with orientation, getting to know each other, getting to know each other's doctrine, had a mission exercise together, ended it with some cohesion where we had friendly games together and that was it. It was quite fun to be honest. At least, for the 2 weeks, we had some sort of out of the norm activities.

When they came here, we had some Malay guys selected to be liaison officers. You know, people to be attached to them, talk to them, help them settle down, share things. That kind of stuff. I wasn't selected to be one and it was ok. It would be nice but I honestly didn't want to either. One of the sergeants in my platoon, Fardlie was selected and he shared this with us during the settle down process. It was funny.

So he liaised with the soldiers to be settled down in one of the bunks. He told them about the orientation of the place, where the toilets are, where the showers are, where the smoking areas are. He told them specifically that smoking in the bunks are not allowed. 

When he passed by the bunk again later, he saw them smoking. He told them not to and they obliged. 

A second time he passed by the bunk, he saw them smoking again. They were soldiers of lower rank than Fardlie and he said, “I told you that you cannot smoke here.”

They apologised and said “Sorry sergeant”. But they didn't extinguish the burning cigarettes and just hid them behind their backs.

Fardlie was annoyed and then he pointed to them to the thing on the ceiling. He said, “You see that? That is a smoke detector. If it detects smoke, it will be activated, sound an alarm and it will sprinkle water all over the room.”

Immediately they extinguished their cigarettes and told each other, “Eh stop stop! The place will get wet all over.”

Fardlie left and shared this with us laughingly. There were no sprinklers in the room. There wasn't even a smoke detector. It was a circular emergency light on the ceiling which would turn on in times of a blackout. Though there were already smoke detector and sprinkler technology then, it was not installed in Bedok Camp at that time.

​EXCHANGE

We then had this exchange activity where they displayed their uniforms, food rations and weapons. We displayed ours also. It was like an old school expo. We walked around to view their booths and so did they to ours. I was stationed at the GPMG booth. It was fun. It was an expo atmosphere. Like a school funfair. We could ask questions pertaining the items displayed. We could also handle and play with some of them. Now that I type this, it reminds me of the Army Open House. When this COVID is over, maybe there will be another open house in the future.

The finale of the exchange programme was an assault demonstration. My platoon was selected to do the demonstration. We had our equipment ready and used blank rounds and did a simulated assault at the camp's stadium. The guests watched from the stands. 

After we finished the demonstration, the guests could come down to the field and ask us questions about our doctrine and SOP. There was nothing much to ask as the procedures were pretty much similar. They were more interested with our new SAR21 rifle. But most of the questions raised at us were, “how old are we?” The difference here was, they are regular soldiers who signed up to be soldiers while we were conscript soldiers. Some of us were 18 year olds. Most of us were in our early twenties. I was only 21 or 22. They were much older than us. 

They were also bewildered by our rank structure. It would take them years to be promoted from a private to a lance corporal. Their sergeants were already in their late 30s, while the sergeants here were only 21. They asked us, how long did we take to become a sergeant? We said, our SISPEC course was 5 months. They were really bewildered. “5 months to become a sergeant? Would you be experienced enough to lead men within 5 months and at this age? Doesn't experience play a part in rank promotion? Are you mature enough to be leading your troops?” They would ask these questions and gave us scenarios in a battlefield. What would we do, what would we consider and what are our SOPs in various scenarios. I can proudly say, we all could answer the questions confidently. They were still bewildered but were convinced with our answers.

​MISSION EXERCISE

Well here is the time for them to see our combat effectiveness. Unfortunately but understandably, the soldiers were not mixed. We would still complete the missions within our own companies. I mean, we walked in the forest together towards our objectives but once the assault happens, they have their own objective to capture while we had ours. 

Anyway we walked together. Just for your info, even though Singapore is small and almost everywhere is accessible by vehicles, our training include this thing called “Movement to Contact”. It means we have a starting to point to walk from until we reach the place that we are supposed to “attack”. In the army, even though some places are accessible to vehicles, the enemy would be able to detect moving vehicles from a distance, especially the sounds of helicopters or planes and such. So we would be dropped off at a starting point that is “beyond range” and walk towards our enemy. This walk would be kilometres long from at least 5 kilometres to 20kilometres. These walk usually happens in the dark of the night, usually starting at 7pm after last light, walk in the forest and reach the objective just before daybreak. That's about 12 hours of walking. 

Of course there would be short breaks during the walk. When a place is deemed “safe”, we would take a short break to rest our legs and have a drink or snack. It would still be a “tactical break” where we would have friends being on guard while the other take a break and then take turns. These breaks usually last about 10 to 15 minutes. Too short for us to fall asleep. But we would doze off anyway. 

But during this exercise, there were a lot of breaks during the walk. We were pleasantly surprised. The Malaysian army really value their breaks. Their breaks would be on specific times like once every hour, regardless whether the place was “safe” or not. And they did not have “tactical” breaks. They just break away and rested with snacks, food, hot drinks from their thermos. We were still required to maintain our tactical breaks though and we really enjoyed the breaks to have short naps as their breaks were longer than 15 minutes. Some even lasted an hour. Personally I understand where they were coming from. I had no complaints. I slept too.

​The first assault was fun. Ok we were tired but it was fun because it was an assault on a build up area. We were bored of attacking hills and mountains. To once in a while attack a building is fun. We called it “counter strike” based on a popular computer game of the same name at that time. Similar to Call of Duty now. 

After my platoon managed to overrun our building, my GPMG team was tasked to walk further down the road and secure the entry point of that area. Meaning, if the enemy would bring in reinforcement troops via the road entering that area, my team would fire at them. 

As we walked towards the road via the forested area beside it, we bumped into a Malaysian section overseeing another assault in the area. As it was still very early morning and very dark in the forest vegetation, they halted us and asked us who we were. There is a standard procedure on how to “challenge” people who we meet in the dark using passwords and stuff. Once we were considered as “friendly forces” we were allowed to pass. 

As I walked past them, I heard them giving instructions on their signal sets. It was cool to hear instructions in Malay. It was like in a movie. I remember this clearly,

“Bola satu kepada Bola dua. Bola satu kepada Bola 2. Berikan tembakan perlindungan kepada banguna A dan B. Saya ulangi, berikan tembakan pelindungan kepada bangunan A dan B.”

Translated : “Bravo one to Bravo two. Bravo one to Bravo two. Provide covering fire to buildings A and B. I repeat. Provide covering fire to building A and B.”

Super cool...


COHESION

After a few days in the forest, we came back to camp to rest and have our cohesion activities. I think it was fun but I cannot remember what we did. I think we had some kind of sports day type of activities, you know those telematch races or something. I really cannot remember. I remember we had sports games though. I think some went to play basketball or tennis or something. I went to play street soccer.

Typical Singapore boys will shout out “Ours!” when the ball is out of play, regardless what race you are. The Malaysians would say “Bola kami!”. It was odd to hear but my Malay friends wondered why we never speak in Malay even though we play with Malay friends. 

One interesting view that we witnessed was when they fall in at the parade square to go for Friday prayers. They would be clad in complete Baju Melayu with songkok and samping. The mosque is just across the road so it was quite a pretty and colourful sight to see especially Singaporeans do not wear a complete costume set to go for Friday prayers. Heck, most of us don't even go for Friday prayers. 

All in all I think it was a fun exchange exercise. Like I said earlier, luckily for us, we did not have to travel to Malaysia for this exercise as we have enough travelling already. Next week I will share another experience where I had the opportunity to train with a visiting foreign army.

NEXT WEEK : GPMG LEADER COURSE 

Categories : The Army Series

​At 40 years old, I found out that I might have been having a neurological condition, though I cannot (yet) afford an official assessment and diagnosis. In the meantime I shall call this condition “AS”. I spent time reading about “AS” and it made me realise that the signs and symptoms were prevalent throughout my life. It is like these writers know exactly how I have been living my life though we have never met before. I start this “Weirdly Wired” series to document about my life experiences with the symptoms which all these while I thought were “normal”.

​A bit late with this post. Haven't been feeling well the past few days. Since late 2018, I have been falling sick very easily. Really need to be happy again soon. Anyway, thank you if you have been looking forward for new posts in this series.

​

​I found out that one of the symptoms of “AS” is childlike imagination. I don't know how this is defined but maybe I can relate to it somehow. Again, as mentioned in previous posts, I have always thought that many things are normal. Let's see how this one has been prevalent in my life so far.

Maybe for most of my life, I thought that I am immature rather than child-like. I still think that I am immature. There are many things that I find difficult in “adulting”. I see IG posts and stories of how my former students, who are way much younger than me, seem to ease into adulthood easily. Their complicated jobs, their marriage, their parenthood. Whereas for me, I dread going out of the house unless it is a routine. I see humans as evil creatures and are out to make trouble for everyone and I am always ready to jump into a fight.

I also don't understand why many people can get away with many things. I see videos of traffic offences, people fighting and arguing. How can they live like that? I would have burst out in violent rage if I were to be in those situations and I would definitely not be able to get away with that. 

I also don't understand how people can say many things and are deemed acceptable, knowing that if I were to say the exact same things, I would be penalised somehow. 

To me, adulting is too difficult. 

But being a child is easy. Of course, not socially acceptable.

When I was in my 30s, when I had no idea that I have “AS”, I tried so hard to be an adult. I remember clearly that the moment I became “myself” people would tell me to “act my age”. I never understood why I should. I had a lot of relationship problems because I cannot “act my age”. I remember arguing about this. What does acting my age means? How do you define acting your age? What are you suppose to do when you come to a certain age? How do you define age? Do I have to act differently when I am 30 years 2 months old, compared to 30 years 1 month old? Is it defined by years or months or weeks or hours or minute? Why is there no textbooks or guidebooks by age for me to read and know how I am suppose to behave?

I remember I was a very angry person. I hate it that I am always wrong. I hate it that I am always told to act my age. All I wanted was to be happy by playing football and computer games and eat and sleep and run and play in playgrounds or play games. But I am not allowed to because I have to “act my age”. Worse... being a Malay, I am socially expected to be married and have 237 children by the age of 30. 

Anyway, I avoid people for a number of years and still working on it. I am happier without having people around me telling what to do. I can exercise my “child-like imaginations” almost freely.

What is imagination? In a previous post, I mentioned that I have this ability to see vivid images without even trying to imagine them. So I guess, imagination is me consciously activating my brain to see and imagine things. So, combine these 2 things together, my imagination is extremely fast. So fast that I sometimes I cannot catch up with them. So fast that I sometimes cannot believe that I can actually imagine them. 

I give you an example. 

Since I have been avoiding people, I have been making friends with animals such as cats, dogs, lizards, flies, ants, birds, etc. I enjoy talking to them though I know they won't talk back to me. I realise that my conversation with them are very fast and also very child-like.

I also have stuffed toys. Some I don't like. Some I like. I have this favourite set of toys. I call them my “flens”. I enjoy talking to them when I get home. I guess you can say that this behaviour is “child-like”.

​But, combine this behaviour with how fast my brain works, it can be very entertaining and it makes me happy. 

I remember this conversation. Just one of the many I had with my flens. I got home and talked to “Bear”. I said to him (in Malay)

Me: Why are you all not asleep yet?
Bear: Because you're not home yet.
Me: Waah... is it because you want me to sleep together?
Bear: No. Because we need someone to turn the lights off.

I burst out laughing. Really. It was so funny. I didn't expect him to say that. Even though it was all my imagination and me playing, talking to a stuffed toy (a very cute one), all the words were actually me talking... but because it was too fast, I actually didn't even expect “him” to say that. It was so fast that I actually really laughed. And that was just one example. I have countless hours of talking to my “flens” and they come out with funny retorts that really make me laugh and make me happy. 

So is that considered “child-like imagination”? Maybe it also includes the moments when I imagine people I see around me, when I'm travelling or walking, to do funny things. I imagine people tripping on themselves or being chased by dogs or an elephant appears from their car boot and many other things.

Maybe. Just maybe. 

Anyway, since I am avoiding people unless it is about work, it reminds me of something as I type this. 

Without masking, I actually dislike talking about adult things with people. Please do not strike chats with me about adult things. Don't talk to me about the world, the government, the people, the cost of living in Singapore, the price of cars and houses, how arts should be displayed, what kind of theatre performances are good and what are not, etc. I actually get annoyed inside when I know you don't know what you're talking about and you will get annoyed if I correct you and it is extra annoying that I have to hold it in from correcting you. 

Talk to me about chickens wearing army uniforms to attack KFC or dolphins eating stingray at Newton or sliding down rainbows or riding a bus that can fly or accompanying a millipede to buy shoes at Mustafa. Things like that and I can talk to you until the cows come home. 

NEXT WEEK : SILENT SHUTDOWNS

Categories : Weirdly Wired

​Hello and welcome back!

As mentioned in the previous post, most of my takeaway from the army is “experience”. Experiences that I can never encounter as a civilian. To be honest, though the experience of going through it was depressing, but the experience of having the chance to do it is memorable and quite fun. Today I am going to share my experiences with the vehicles that I got to ride on while I was in the army.

​FASTCRAFT

Almost every Tekong boy first ride. Being enlisted in the year 2000, I was the lucky first few batches to be able to ride a proper ferry to Pulau Tekong. Just a few years before me, one would have to ride an RPL to travel to Pulau Tekong. You can google, Tekong RPL. Lucky me, the fastcraft is exactly like one you would ride to Batam. It is even managed by the same companies. 

​I still remember that depressing view and feeling on my first ride to Pulau Tekong. When I was in SISPEC, my platoon sergeant told us that we have to leave camp earlier to book out as we had to travel to the ferry terminal. He told us to not be late as he would want to book out also. The ferries depart once every hour, so he said that if we miss it, “1 minute late is 1 hour late.”

THE TRUCKS

Our first truck was a 3 tonner. It somehow can fit 30 soldiers squeezed to the brim. If you get to sit on the seats, it was comfortable enough. Sit on the floor and be ready to have your spine bent from the bumps on the mud tracks. But a soldier can always sleep in it no matter how bumpy the ride is.

The 3 tonner was then phased out to make way for a bigger 5 tonner truck. Lucky 3rd generation army. There's aircon in the driver compartment and there are sponges on the seats together with seatbelts. You can google the images of these trucks. Anyway they are a common sight on our roads.

When I was in Taiwan, I also got the chance to ride a slightly smaller 2.5 tonner.

​HELICOPTERS

I was “lucky” to be posted to a Guards unit. When I got posted there and was briefed about Guads operations, I was told that a Guards unit can be a seaborne unit or a heliborne unit. (The Guards Creed mentions, “Land warriors from air and sea.”) The unit that I was posted to was a heliborne unit. The next batch would be a seaborne unit. I was happy. Personally I would rather be flying than riding boats because I think riding helicopters would be a rarer experience.

​SUPER PUMA

I first rode a super puma in SISPEC. It was just once. When I was in Guards, I rode it numerous times that I cannot remember how many. Though it was fun, it was squeezy. I didn't like the sound of the rotors as they sound mechanical like a “wheeeeeeeee wheeeeeeee” sound. 

The flights in Singapore would at most take 5 minutes per flight. There was once when I was in Australia and we boarded a super puma for a mission, the flight took 1 hour and 10 minutes. We thought it would be about 5 minutes just like in Singapore. Remember it was squeezy. We slept, woke up, slept, woke up and we were still flying. Ok it was fun. It would be more fun if it's in the day and we can see the surroundings but most flights were at night. Anyway, imagine 1 hour 10 minutes on a helicopter. How long would it take to drive back? Yup. We took a tonner back to base and it was a 4 hours journey.

CHINOOK
​
​The chinook was fun. Not squeezy and we faced each other like riding an MRT train. Very noisy though.

​Now this is the helicopter that I have always wanted to ride. I managed to ride it just once in my life. It was for a heli rapelling training. The pilot lifted off and went on a short 5 minutes flight before we rapelled down. 

Why I like this one? It sounds like a helicopter. It has the chopper sound like those you see from vietnam war movies. It is also less bulky so you can feel the thrill of it turning, banking and being blown in the wind. 

I really love riding these helicopters. I really wish I can do it again.

​LAND WARRIORS FROM AIR AND SEA

Though my unit was a heliborne unit, we still got the chance to try an amphibious assault, ie. a seaborne mission. We did this just once but it was really a fun experience.

The whole lot of us boarded this huge navy ship. I cannot remember its name. It is either the RSS Endurance or RSS Endeavour. You can try googling them. We sailed from Changi Naval Base to Pulau Sudong. 

We were in the belly of the ship all the time so we could not see the view outside the ship during the journey. We mostly slept or chatted. The ride took a few hours, I cannot remember exactly. Maybe about 6 hours. 

Inside this ship, there were smaller fast crafts. It was cool. When we were told that the time has come for our assault, we boarded these small fast crafts that were in the ship. The rear part of the bigger ship then opened up and sea water gushes in. It was really really cool. Once the door was fully opened and there was enough seawater to float the fast crafts, the crafts then zoomed out from the rear of the ship bringing us to Pulau Sudong from the middle of the sea. It was very exciting. It was like a “Saving Private Ryan” moment or a D-Day Normandy landing moment.

The fast craft then reach the beaches of Pulau Sudong and the soldiers storm out to charge at the enemy. Super cool...

After the assault, we were supposed to be airlifted out from the island via a helicopter. It was a combined mission with the US Marines and we were supposed to ride a US helicopter. But somehow on that day, the helicopter was grounded when it was my platoon's turn to board it. So we had to board a Super Puma. I cannot remember the model of the US helicopter though. I can only remember that it looks very similar to a Super Puma and was blue in colour.

​LIGHT STRIKE VEHICLE

The LSV is unique to the Guards Unit. Unfortunately it was only used by the Support company. For the infantry like us, we didn't get to ride it.

​BUT, I managed to ride it just once. It was once in Australia when me and some of my mates got lost in the jungle when we were retrieving our field packs after an assault. We couldn't find our way back. The surroundings looked the same. Our compasses spun around and we were stranded for a good 6 hours. A rescue team on LSVs finally found us and brought us back to the rest of the unit. I will share more details of this experience in another post. Hopefully I will remember. 

So yes. Those are the vehicles that I got the chance to ride. There is one more which is a boat. Like a motorboat. I didn't really ride it. Remember my post during GCC? Where we had to do a coastal swim? Yes, in the middle of the Serangoon Harbour, some of my men were struggling to catch up with the rest. It wasn't because they were weak swimmers but the currents were really no joke. The ships kept on passing by us and with every passing, the currents would push us away. So I had to stay with the straddlers and kept pushing them. This was until we were too far behind from the main group that the safety boat had to travel to us. We didn't board the boat. We held on the side of it as the boat zoomed forward and brought us to join the main group. Haha. That was fun too.

​Ok that's it for this post. I sound happier than the previous posts because I really had fond memories riding the helicopters and the fast crafts. 

Do look forward for the next post next week.

NEXT WEEK : EXERCISE SEMANGAT BERSATU

Categories : The Army Series.

At 40 years old, I found out that I might have been having a neurological condition, though I cannot (yet) afford an official assessment and diagnosis. In the meantime I shall call this condition “AS”. I spent time reading about “AS” and it made me realise that the signs and symptoms were prevalent throughout my life. It is like these writers know exactly how I have been living my life though we have never met before. I start this “Weirdly Wired” series to document about my life experiences with the symptoms which all these while I thought were “normal”.

​In my whole life, I thought they were “bad habits”. My parents always told me that those are “habits” and they would tell me off. They would tell me to stop. 

I watched a video of a person sharing her experiences with “AS” and she mentioned the same thing. We would then try very hard to stop these “bad habits” but would then move on to another “habit”.

As for me, this is particularly true. Even though I have grown older and manage to suppress them, I still realise the importance of them and do them whenever needed or whenever I am subconscious about it.

​Quoted from a website:

“The word “stimming” refers to self-stimulating behaviors, usually involving repetitive movements or sounds. Everybody stims in some way. It’s not always clear to others.

It’s a coping mechanism that can serve a variety of purposes.
For example, a person with “AS” may be trying to:

• stimulate the senses or decrease sensory overload
• adapt to an unfamiliar environment
• reduce anxiety and calm themselves
• express frustration, especially if they have trouble communicating effectively
• avoid certain activities or expectations”

To me they are soothing. This activity calms me down even though temporarily. The moment I stop stimming, I will start getting anxious and depressed again.

​(Yes I am still nursing a depressive period due to that stupid slander. I have been depressed and anxious and oversleeping for at least 2 months now, on top of the normal depressive trait that I have been having for the past 15 years. I still cannot financially afford to go for “medical treatments”. I am still alive until now so I guess I am good at living with it already. I believe it will go away one day.)

As far as I can remember, I had a lot of so called “bad habits” as I grew up from a boy. Some of the things are mentioned in various websites. It is like these websites know exactly how I have been living. 

Some things that I found on the internet that I have done in my life are:

Biting your fingernails. Drumming your fingers.
I remember being scolded for these. Even when I wasn't tense or anxious, I just did them when I was young and enjoyed them. 

Pulling hair / Twirling your hair around your fingers.
I enjoyed this when I had long hair. 

Cracking your knuckles or other joints.
I've stopped doing this when I realised that my fingers started to become crooked.

Whistling
Was told me that this is a way to call the devil.

Punching or biting.
I wanted to be a boxer or just box some things but I cannot find a safe way to do them. I bite safe things now. Usually my clothes, handkerchiefs and my lips.

Excessive rubbing or scratching at skin / picking at scabs or sores.
I do these till now. My sense of touch is especially sensititive to itch. I can scratch non stop even though there is no feeling of itch. I also enjoy picking scabs. 

Listening to the same song or noise over and over.
People say it is an ear worm. But whenever I feel depressed I would sing. And I would listen to it over and over again. Sometimes for days or even to almost a month.

Blinking repetitively.
This is the most obvious. I didn't realise it until one day when I had a shoot and the director told me to not blink too much. I still do it, but I don't see the point of stopping because it has been ingrained and I don't even realise it. Plus I don't act on screen anymore. 

Rearranging or moving things.
I would just rearrange things the same way again. Like the stuff on my table.

Rocking.
I loved rocking chairs. I used to rock my chair in primary school. Of course got scolded for it.

Walking or pacing on tiptoes.
I stopped when I wanted to be an actor. I still walk on tip toes when I don't realise. 

Staring at moving or rotating objects like a wheel or fan.
Or machines that move repetitively. Like tractors or factory machinery. Was always told off, saying that I “termenung” or “berangan”. But I wasn't. I really enjoy watching them.

Jumping, bouncing, or twirling repetitively.
Not socially acceptable. Seriously, if I am fitter and given the space where it is acceptable, i would. This one is quite easy to suppress as I get older but the urge is still there. The other day during rehearsals, I just rolled around for no reason. Ok, the reason was, I just felt like rolling. Then I realised people might think I was being childish so I just stopped and sat further away.

Currently the most common stimming that I do is just spinning and biting. I bite my shirt, my handkerchiefs and my pillow. I realise I enjoy spinning too. I used to have this spinning toy which I cried for 2 days when my cousin threw it away. I spun my school books in secondary school. I spun my handphones. Now we have a safer thing which is the fidget spinner. I guess I'll just stick to that. 

So yes. Stimming. What I thought and was told as “bad habits”. I still have the urge to do those mentioned above but they would be socially unacceptable. I hope one day in heaven, I can do the things I want without being called crazy. 

NEXT WEEK : Child like imagination

Categories : Weirdly Wired


Anyway, here is a bonus. It is a video of an interview I did. I've stopped masking and just being myself. Even though it was online, I cannot hold eye contact for long, my brain was running everywhere and I couldn't sit still. 

www.facebook.com/107835592603049/videos/170540915181673

As mentioned in the previous post, the only thing i can takeaway from the army is “experience”. Experiences that I can never get as a civilian. Experiences that are story topics during meet ups with other Singaporeans who served in the army. 

Today I am going to share the experiences I had that I can never have experienced if I wasn't in the army. The experience of being able to step foot on and see the views of locations within Singapore that are not accessible for the general public. The experience of being at the various army training area in Singapore. Not including Pulau Tekong.

Sorry not much photos. They are restricted areas. But, you can always google them.

​THE WESTERN CATCHMENT AREA

When I was in primary school, I enjoyed looking at the old street directory books and was always looking forward to the new edition every year. I still use street directory until today. You can download them on your phone. It is still to me much better than google maps. I don't understand why people rely on google maps to navigate when street directory is so much better.

So because I love reading the maps so much, at that time I memorised all the reservoirs in Singapore. We all know the common reservoirs but there are 4 reservoirs in the Western Catchment Area and they are not accessible to the public. Sarimbun, Murai, Poyan and Tengah. So I kind of wished that I can see them one day. And I did. When I was in the army. 

I felt truly lucky to be there to see the views. The western catchment area is beautiful. So beautiful that it hides the suffering of the soldiers camouflaged between the trees. 

The hills are beautiful. The views from on top of the hills are scenic. The reservoirs look like natural lakes. You would never imagine that such views are found in Singapore. Unfortunately I do not have pictures of them. They are just in my memories. But I think you can google them. Maybe there are some pictures. Actually I tried googling as I typed this. There are not many photos and even if you found them, and you've never been there, you wouldn't know that the pictures are of those places. I guess, the closest you can go is to fly there via Google Earth. Make sure you turn on 3D images. From the southernmost part of Pasir Laba and Raffles Country Club to the north tip of Sarimbun. All I can say, the view is beautiful. But if you ask me to go there again on a mission exercise, heck no. The place is huge. I am not walking there again with my full combat and GPMG load. No. No. But if I have an opportunity to visit the place as a civilian and take pictures, I would gladly go. 

​AMA KENG

The Ama Keng area has a training area that faces the Kranji Reservoir. I remember sitting there in a defence position looking at the Kranji river. Though nice, it was depressing. Seeing how near you are to civilisation but so far away from a book out day. 

There is also an abandoned HDB estate there. Now it is used for urban operations training. It was quite fun playing in real life HDB estate rather than mock up ones. And also playing in a building rather than in the jungle for a change. 

Anyway, recently they've made an urban operational training area just across the main road called the Murai Urban Training Facility. I still prefer the Ama Keng HDB. It was fun choosing the units and rooms to sleep in. You can see this area in the first movie of Ah Boys To Men.

​MARSILING

Finally somewhere nearer to home. Every time we hear that our next mission exercise would be in Marsiling, we would be very happy. Simply because the area is small. It's only about 4 square kilometres. It is has 2 very steep hills. Point 62 and Point 77. From the top of the almost botak Point 62, you can see Woodlands housing estate across the expressway with the skyscrapers of Johor Bahru looming in the background. I remember my PC giving us a pep talk about the importance of our service from on top of Point 62 overlooking the view.

​YISHUN 

We didn't always come here. But when we did, it was always a very short trip. The training area were not big so I guess, there was not much thing we could do. During that time, it was bigger than now though. Some of the areas has already been developed. The area between Yishun Avenue 6 and 8 are now housing blocks. The Yishun Dam area has also been developed for more traffic. 

It was fun to come here. It is even more depressing than what I mentioned at Kranji. Simply because it is so much closer to home. 

Some of the areas that we went to were, Yishun Avenue 6, Yishun Dam, Simpang and Seletar. 

I remember that the forested areas across Yishun Avenue 6 had an illegal prostitution den. When we were there one day, in the day, we walked through the area. Funny dinghy area. It was filled with trash and mosquitoes. There were huts and canvas sheets hung around to form partitions with mattresses in every “room”. It would be funny if we had walked there at night while the den was in service. 

There was also a mission that we did and after capturing the objective, my platoon was tasked to secure the Yishun Dam. Hard for you to imagine now that the dam is full of traffic. But at that time it was deserted but was still an accessible road for the public. I remember we got a scolding for falling asleep while securing a public road. 


PULAU SUDONG

I am now left with other smaller areas as most training was held either in Pulau Tekong or the Western Catchment Area. 

Pulau Sudong was fun. I will explain what we did there in another post. Maybe next week. 

The island is pretty but I guess it looks like another southern island such as St John's or Sisters or Kusu. Still, a civilian will not be able to go there so I was lucky. 

This one you can google how it looks like.


PUNGGOL

Way before Punggol became a housing estate, we were there for reasons I cannot remember. I remember it was still forested. Most probably for mission exercises but I cannot remember why we were there and not in other mentioned areas. 

What I can remember and I can share now is that, we were there for an airlift. I remember sitting beside the river, exactly where the Sumang blocks are now. We sat there from afternoon till evening and I remember seeing the place turned dark while waiting for our helicopter to arrive and brought us somewhere. I cannot remember much. I only remember sitting there and flying off. Obviously it was one of the training exercises where we were zombified.


CENTRAL CATCHMENT AREA

I had only been here twice. Once during active NS and once during reservists. Since it is a public area, we didn't have assault exercises in the area. We only did topography training here. Back then it wasn't as popular as now. Though the trails existed, you don't see the public cycling or walking there. 

I remember bashing through the forest and then suddenly I disappeared. My section mates said I just suddenly disappeared as I was leading them through the navigation exercise. Actually I fell into a hole. It was about 2 metres deep and circular, like a well. Luckily it wasn't a boar trap with spikes or something.

Another cool experience was during reservist. I was attached as an umpire for another unit. They had to walk through the area in the evening. So it was all forest with the BKE on our left. Then their section commander told us that we can have a break under a bridge. More accurately the Gali Batu Flyover. Ok, it was a decent and safe place to take a break especially since it was already night. Funny thing was, below the bridge and behind a pillar, were 2 black trash bags. One was filled with packets of chicken rice and another bag was filled with packed ice and canned drinks. Apparently the section had those delivered at precisely that time as the ice packs were still cold and the food warm. They even ordered a pack of rice and canned drink for me. That was cool.

These images are just in my head now and maybe I will forget them one day. I am a bit disappointed that I don't have photos of these areas and you cannot find much online. But that is understandable. Nevertheless, all I can say is... the views are beautiful.


NEXT WEEK : Our Vehicles

Categories : The Army Series

​So maybe you have read the previous post about depression, anxiety and catastrophising. No I didn't know before that I was experiencing all those and I think it was all normal. Plus, if I talk to anyone, no one would take it seriously. Yes I have been living with it. It's tiring but I am fine. Like I said, the depression is always very heavy in the morning and whenever I want to go out. The anxiousness on how to go through the day and also that heavy feeling in the chest throat and face always make me feel like I want to go back and sleep the day away.

Anyway life begins at 40 and I am figuring out and charting my life. Knowing about myself might help, as you cannot expect people to know about you. As for me, knowing about all these difficulties which I thought were normal, prepares me better for the future. For a start, I am learning to avoid people and interactions as much as possible. If you think that I have been a burden to your life all these while, do not worry, I won't meet or trouble anyone anymore after this. Let's do each other a favour and let's just stay away.

​
THE BRAIN THAT WON'T REST 

Isn't this normal too? Everyone's brain don't rest until they die. So I never take it seriously. How is this linked to “AS”? I don't know either. But I know it affects me and I have to live with it and make the best out of it. 

Maybe after writing this down, one can understand the constant fatigue especially when you add it up with other signs of “AS” that I have mentioned before that causes fatigue such as Masking and Sensory Overload. 

Or maybe one can understand me whenever you interact with me and notice that I am distracted or smile or laugh randomly or I get confused.

(Digress) Many times, I want to just take the leap and get myself a full time job but I worry that I cannot cope with the fatigue, the overload, the masking, among others. People say, don't be afraid. I am not afraid. I am not afraid of the jobs or the people. I am afraid of myself. With the number of stupid people around, I am afraid that I might flare up or have meltdowns.

As for the brain, I ever told some friends many years ago that, I am sure that my old age ailment will be “nyanyuk”. I don't know if it is dementia or alzheimer's or if there are any other terms. I'm very sure if I were to fall sick during old age, it would be because of “nyanyuk”.


DOES IT EVER TAKE A BREAK?

When I took up theatre works, one of the activities that we did was “relaxation exercise”. Everytime the facilitator would ask us to lie down or sit in a relaxed position, close our eyes and leave the mind “blank”. Do not think of anything, just relax. 

Is that even possible? You mean people can blank out their minds? I once had a colleague who didn't come out on stage when it was her turn, and when I asked her at the back stage, she said, she just “spaced”. Is that even possible?

A few months ago I finally shared this to a friend and I realise what I am experiencing and have been experiencing is not normal and he encouraged me to write about it. 

So to me, having a blank mind is not possible. Even as I close my eyes, I don't see the “black screen”. It has different colours depending on the lighting. And those weird unexplainable green pink blue “electrical patterns” that keeps changing shape and zipping everywhere. It's physically never blank.

As for mentally, I always have pictures and images in front of my eyes even when I close my eyes. It can never be blank. I always see things non stop.


IMAGES

The root word for imagination. The thing is, when you imagine things, you have to tell your brain to imagine things. Something like.... imagine a rainbow.... imagine a chicken wing.... DO NOT IMAGINE A WHITE ELEPHANT but you're imagining it anyway. 

But for my head, these images appear without me telling them. I see images everywhere. I can see things everywhere. Things that are not there yet they are vividly there in my mind. I grew to be able to control them now. I can't control what to appear and what not to appear. I can control them to do what I want. But still sometime random images will appear. At least now I can control them to go away.

When I was a boy, this was particularly distressing. My parents would say that I imagine too much. “Banyak berangan”. I know I wasn't. I avoided watching horror movies as the image will be stuck in my head for very long. Worse, they will manifest as images around me. I can see them sitting on my bed, cupboard, behind the door very very vividly. Sometimes they bring their friends along. Sometimes they mix with other images. It can be a party.

Let me give you an example. 

Let's say I am sitting in a park and looking at a tree. I can try to make myself imagine things. But most of the times, the images appear on their own. Vividly. I can see squirrels on the tree chasing each other, wearing clothes and hats, talking to each other in their own language. I can see a group of people with a 2 man saw coming to saw the tree down. I can see a helicopter getting stuck on the tree. I can see that the tree itself is alive with eyes and mouth. It is quite an imagination right? But remember I said, an imagination is when you imagine about it. But for me, I didn't intend for these images to appear. They just..... appear. 

When I was younger my cousins always called me a coward. I thought I was too. But I didn't know that no one else go through this, where images manifest in front of my eyes.

Sometimes I got confused. A few days later or even years later, I would be like, “I've seen it somewhere” but I don't know if it was my imagination or what I saw was real. 

“Anyway, my friend freaked out when I said I can see his youngest daughter in the car drinking from a water bottle and looking at us when we were both chatting outside his car. His daughter wasn't there of course. It was just another manifested image.”

And sleep. Never ever I got a blank sleep. I always dream of some things. I always look forward to sleep as I would be excited to find out what I will be dreaming about. The dreams will always be vivid. As I grow older, I have mastered the controls of lucid dreaming. I cannot control the dreams that appear but I can control the happenings in the dreams. I will know that I am dreaming and I can do whatever I want. Nowadays if I have nightmares about ghosts, I will just fight them with swords or guns or some cool hand held combat. I would freak out when I was a boy, but now, my dreams are in my own hand. 

The part that I hate would be when I am half asleep. You know when you're half asleep in a bus and you don't want to fall asleep in case you miss your stop. You know that kind of sleep. My eyes would still see the bus' interior while my brain already start dreaming and these images and dreams will fuse with the vision of the bus. I can see images, cartoon characters, people, whoever in the same bus as me. I am laughing as I type this because it is cool and funny at the same time. 

Anyway I can control them now. I cannot control to make them “not appear”. I can control them whenever they appear. I can push them aside, I can change their clothes or make them do funny things. An uncle on a bicycle appears and I know that it is a manifested image, I can make him ride up a tree or put wings on his bike and make him fly away. Those kind of things. 

I still look forward to sleep as these things take a toll on my head plus all the anxiety and depression and masking and sensory overload. But when I sleep I continue seeing images in forms of dreams but now I can control my dreams too. 

The point is, there are images everywhere. Either in my mind, or manifested, or they are just really there and photobombing for attention. 

My brain never rest and I was worried that I would be nyanyuk in the future. 

But I don't care now because I am avoiding people and enjoy seeing these images in front of me.

I realise that the masking helps me with my acting while these images has been the greatest contributor in my directing works.

I think I have covered the major signs and symptoms in my posts. Next week onwards I will share the smaller signs.

NEXT WEEK : Stimming

Categories : Weirdly Wired

So we have settled in Bedok Camp 2. A spanking new camp in the year 2001. I may not have much photos of the camp as cameras were not so accessible in those days. But I'll try to remember how life was in my home for 1 and 3/4 years. 

If you have been reading my “Army Series” posts, they were all about being in training schools. After about 10 months, I am out of schools and it was now a steady life of being a full time soldier.

​Life was still 5.5 days week. Even though it was more than a 44 hour work week. We wake up at 530am in the morning and sleep at about 12am every night. The lack of sleep was actually quite frustrating for me but I guess being young at that time, it was manageable. We book out every Saturday noon and back in camp on Sunday evenings, provided we were not assigned to weekend duties.

We had annual leave and off hours that we accumulate. Hearing from other friends undergoing NS, they were able to clear their offs and leave before they ORD. On the day I ORD from NS, I still had at least 10 days of off and 10 days of leave uncleared. I cannot remember the exact numbers but definitely no less than 10 each. I really felt angry at that time (until today actually). We are entitled to those rest days but were never allowed to clear them. I think it is very unfair and it is one of the reasons I hate the army very much.

Everyday it was just training after training. Physical training, military training, proficiency training. We just keep doing them over and over again. The idea was to keep us proficient but we got bored and it just went on to become a monotonous routine. 

So we had (at least for me) to look for things that could make our life there interesting for the rest of our active days in NS. I was still hoping that I could be posted out to a non combat unit though but you would have known by now that it was never achieved until I completely finished my army stint at the age of 37.


NIGHTS OFF


Well sometimes we had nights off. It didn't happen often. Maybe once in 3 weeks or so. Most of the times I went to meet my girlfriend. Most of us had girlfriends then so if you didn't have one, you won't have anyone to meet when you go for night off. 

Since we were on the mainland already, and in Bedok, it was easier to head to some place. Luckily we were not at Lim Chu Kang or Kranji. We could always go to Tampines and Bedok and sometimes head to town. The bus stop was just outside our camp and there were bus services to these places. It was quite convenient. 

Of course our hearts will sink again whenever we came back to camp. But upon alighting from the bus, we would see the Bedok Camp 1 first before walking to our camp behind it. We count ourselves lucky as our camp was a nicer and newer camp. Bedok Camp 1 at that time was an old run down camp and it was occupied by the 3rd SIR if I'm not wrong. In our minds was, ok lah... at least we were not posted there.

​BUNK

As we trudged back to our camps and bunk with very low morale, we had to make it into something that could make us feel better. A number of us picked up smoking. There were also smoking areas on every floor of the building so it wasn't as strict as it is now. Just walk out of the bunk and turn left to the end of the corridor. 

As for our bunks, we personalised it to make it more “welcoming”. We rearranged our beds to make it more interesting such as we had our own space. We even arranged our cupboards to create partitions like as if we had our own areas. We attached curtains to the windows, pasted posters on our cupboards, used our own bedsheet and pillowcases. We also brought our own extra pillows from home. We used our own non army towels and clothes when we're in the bunk. 

An interesting thing about our bunk was, somehow, some day, one of us actually brought a TV in. We were all very happy. The TV was placed at the end of the bunk. Slowly we started attaching a VCD player and a playstation. So we could watch TV, play games and watch movies. At that time there were a lot of pirated CDs so it was fun. A friend brought boxes of Korean drama series VCDs and we would watch it together. We also played the playstation console, mostly FIFA games and I remember there was a time when we watched the 2002 World Cup games in our bunk.

​FOOD

Honestly the cookhouse food in Bedok camp was nice. I was a more picky eater at that time but they were nice. Breakfast was a bit hard to swallow though. Maybe it was just me. I still feel that 530am is too early to eat breakfast. 

I would then eat a bit and then waited a while to maybe about 9am when I would go over to the canteen to get breakfast. Yes we had a canteen even though we have a cookhouse. My usual meals there then were half boiled eggs and toast bread.

There was also a barber too but most of us cut our own hair. The “guards” haircut was a simple crop at the sides and back and very short top so we could do that by getting our own hair clipper. There was also a guy who would offer to cut hair. He would set up a chair at the end of the corridor and some of the guys would ask him to help them cut their hair. 

We also had a “mess” where we could eat western food and chill in an aircon room. There was a TV there, some board games, a fussball table, a billiard table, a pool table and dart boards. We go there once in awhile but since we already had TV in our bunks, we just bought food there and bring them back to our bunks.


RECREATION

Well there were some recreation facilities in the camp but we hardly got the chance to use them. There were basketball courts and street soccer courts. Sometimes we did have time to play but I don't remember that we played that much.

Most of the time we were told to go for runs. Our common running routes were of course along the camp's perimeter. For planned group runs, we ran along the East Coast Park. Out of the camp from the back gate and cross the expressway via an underpass. Since we could not get nights off, sometimes we would say that we want to run outside of camp. We would then run in the evening to Bedok interchange, eat ice kacang at Hollywood and then go back to camp. 


BOOK OUT

And then it is a Saturday again. Book out day again. We would change to our civilian attire, ready for another short weekend. I mentioned in a previous post that we were allowed to book in and out wearing a minimum of polo t shirt, bermudas and sandals. It was a privilege that no other camps in Singapore at that time had. 

So we walked out of the gate heading towards the bus stop. One funny view that I can remember was, the bus stop was just at the doorstep of Bedok Corner food centre. At that time the design was different and you could see the stalls from outside. And on every Saturday, ALL the stalls, be it the drink stalls and all food stalls, would have a young lady working there. I remember this view very clearly. It was obvious that all the stall owners would get their daughters or nieces or whoever to help them out on Saturdays. It was funny. The attraction didn't work for me though because I just wanted to get out of there quickly because before you know it, it would be Sunday again and it was time be back in camp again.

NEXT WEEK : Training Areas

Categories : The Army Series

​I have to emphasise again that these posts in my “Weirdly Wired” series is not intended to gain sympathy or attracting attention or whatsoever. 

My blog has very low readership therefore there is no point in attempting attention seeking. The people who read these are most probably people who really care to read in the first place and not like people who swipe Instagram stories, so most probably they already know me. Thank you for reading anyway, whoever you are.

If you happen to bump into this and you think this is crap, the internet is filled with crap anyway so what difference does it make? 

For me, I want to document all these before I die and loved ones can use it as a reference tool.

ANXIETY DEPRESSION CATASTROPHISING

I don't know why anxiety and depression are related to “AS”. I have been reading and there are ano clear answers. It says that people with AS are more prone to it and most of them are on children. I think they have forgotten about adults or adults do not matter and we can fend for ourselves. (Yeah right. And then feel guilty after a suicide.) 

As for me, I don't think that I have anxiety or depression. I mean, everyone feels anxious or apprehensive and sad every now and then right? So I read up and see what it means.

Common symptoms of an anxiety attack include:

• feeling faint or dizzy
• shortness of breath
• dry mouth
• sweating
• chills or hot flashes
• apprehension and worry
• restlessness
• distress
• fear
• numbness or tingling

After seeing this, I actually feel most of these all the time for as long as I can remember. So this anxiety is not normal? You mean you don't feel it all the time? You all are the weird ones.

Ok how about depression?

Signs and Symptoms
The following are some of the common symptoms which surface during bouts of depression. A person who experiences five or more of these symptoms for more than two weeks may have a depressive illness:

• Persistent sadness; or feeling down or gloomy
• A loss of interest in activities previously enjoyed
• Weight loss or weight gain; or decrease or increase in appetite
• Difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep; or sleeping excessively
• Feeling agitated or restless
• Feeling tired and lacking the energy
• Feelings of worthlessness or excessive guilt
• Difficulty concentrating or having trouble thinking
• Frequent thoughts of death or suicide

Hahaha. 2 weeks? I've been going through this for like at least 15 years! All of it! You mean it is not normal? You mean it is depression and not just sad? 

For many many years, I have been LIVING LIKE THIS. It is painful but I always thought it is normal. If I give in to it, I am just a softie. I talked about it to people and what did they say? I have no faith in God. I am emotional. I am emo. I am toxic. I am unfit. I am pessimistic. I am bad tempered. I am full of myself. I think too highly of myself. 

NO ONE ever told me that is depression. 

So how does anxiety and depression affects someone with “AS”? 

I guess it is the planning and masking. As mentioned in the previous post. A person with “AS” prepares. Prepare multiples of characters and memorising numerous rehearsed scripts to apply in different situations. 

Anxious on whether one is fully prepared. What if a situation comes and it is under rehearsed or worse, not even planned at all?

Depressed at failed masks and wonder what goes wrong. Why other people can behave a certain way in a particular situation but when I put on a mask to be like that, it doesn't work? It will lead to an accumulation of bad experiences and added on anxiety to make sure it doesn't happen again and if it does, am I prepared or rehearsed for it? 

Catastrophising. When things don't work or if something happens., the brain goes straight to catastrophising. Thinking of the worst case scenario or terrible scenarios that might happen that usually don't happen. I just found out about this too. Catastrophising. To me I was just planning for the worst and terrible scenarios to ensure that I know what to do in case it happens. Some people say it is overthinking so I believe them. I didn't know that it called catastrophising. Yes, all these infinite never ending scenario will fill up my brain which will ultimately lead to meltdown or outburst or simply extreme fatigue. 

I give you an example. A true example. I don't make this up. 

I see a person cross the road. I already have pictures of him slip and fall, twisting his ankle, a cat crossing the road and he got shocked, he got banged by a vehicle, a tree falls on him while crossing, a vehicle across the road and debris from its tyres hits him on the face, an earthquake before he reaches the other side of the road, etc. Yes I think of all these. Unprovoked. They pop in my mind. And I have to make sure that I have everything planned out in case any of these things actually happen.

And this is just someone crossing the road. Remember the last post? Imagine, how many things do I see everytime. Imagine how many things are going through my head every single time. How about the person behind him? The flickering traffic lights? The bus that won't stop for a person hailing and he is chasing for it? A vehicle driver that doesn't check his blindspot? The driver who is using his phone and his phone drops.

I am not even pausing to think about all these. They just flow from my head.

So yes. Anxiety. Depression. Catastrophising. 

They all link to each other. Do include these three thing s with the things from my previous posts. The masking. The sensory overload. 

Avoiding people make me feel better. I even perspire less now. I never thought that perspiring was a sign of anxiety. I thought it was just my metabolism burning and me being dehydrated. Yes they do play a part. I still perspire but slightly less now due to me being able to realise anxiety. 

As for the depression. It is still there. 15 years and counting. It's worse in the morning and when I'm alone. You know that very heavy feeling in your chest and throat and face just before you cry? Yes I've been living with it for the past 15 years. Just that it never burst into a cry. It's just there. Sad, heavy and having to breathe hard everytime when I am not sleeping.

I am still anxious though. Even though I have been avoiding people. 

For example sometime ago. A slander about me happened. Even after I have been avoiding people for a year yet a slander can happen that adds to the depression. Worse, I cannot do anything about it. I don't have the proofs to prove that it is a slander and not a fact. I don't have the finances to engage a lawyer to file a suit. I just could only see it happen. Of course, after that I catastrophise. What will happen to the people around me? What will happen to my loved ones? Will I get removed from my job? Will I ever get a job? How many people were behind this slander? How many people will believe it? If I die, will it be better?

Do not forget the sensory overload and masking fatigue. Add them all up. I just want to sleep and not wake up.

I read articles.

When someone die, only then will people feel shocked or should have looked into one's mental health.

But when the person is alive, no one bothers. Even when one is screaming for help. 

Maybe if I die, people would feel shocked and regret too. But looking at the situation now, I don't think anyone would bother or even realise. Because to them I am toxic, angry, emotional, rude, pessimistic so maybe they'll be happy if I do die. 

So there you go. Anxiety. Depression. Catastrophising. 

Plus the “AS”.

I cannot afford to go for consultation or treatment or assessment. They are expensive. I don't trust polyclinics too. I don't think they will take me seriously. Even past friends say that I am of low faith, emo, pessimistic, bad tempered, attention seeker, toxic, crazy, black, buck teethed, ugly and whatever. So why would a doctor suddenly be so nice to say that I need medical help? They don't know me. Oh...maybe they would say that because they want to get paid? 

Anyway my religion don't allow suicide and I still have hopes of having a better life in the afterlife. 

So I'll just have to live with it.


Categories : Weirdly Wired

NEXT WEEK : The Brain That Won't Rest.